LET THE HEALING BEGIN!
by Romanticly tragic perfection
Summary: What If Charlie Had Confronted Bella Two Months Early? What If Bella Had Gone The Movies With Jacob Instead Of Jessica? What If She Never Saw Heard Edwards Voice Or Jumped Off That Cliff Alone? Would She Still End Up With Edward Or Would She Finally Be Able To Move On With Jacob?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: what if Charlie had confronted Bella two months early? What if Bella had gone the movies with Jacob instead of Jessica? What if she never saw heard Edwards voice or jumped off that cliff alone? Would she still end up with Edward or would she finally be able to move on with Jacob?

**Chapter one: TIME FOR A WAKE UP CALL!**

_Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over._

_-Octavia Butler _

_ TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me. _

Charlie's fist came down on the table. "THAT'S IT, Bella! I'm sending you home." I looked up from my cereal, which I was pondering rather than eating, and stared at Charlie in shock. I hadn't been following the conversation—actually, I hadn't been aware that we were having a conversation—and I wasn't sure what he meant. "I am home," I mumbled, confused. "I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville," he clarified. Charlie watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meaning of his words. "What did I do?" I felt my face crumple.

It was so unfair. My behavior had been above reproach for the past four months. After that first week, which neither of us ever mentioned, I hadn't missed a day of school or work. My grades were perfect. I never broke curfew—I never went anywhere from which to break curfew in the first place. I only very rarely served leftovers. Charlie was scowling.

"You didn't do anything. That's the problem. You never do anything." he said. "You want me to get into trouble?" I wondered, my eyebrows pulling together in mystification. I made an effort to pay attention. It wasn't easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stopped up. "Trouble would be better than this… this moping around all the time!" he shouted. That stung a bit. I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included.

"I am not moping around." I said. "Wrong word," he grudgingly conceded. "Moping would be better—that would be doing something. You're just… lifeless, Bella. I think that's the word I want." This accusation struck home. I sighed and tried to put some animation into my response. "I'm sorry, Dad." My apology sounded a little flat, even to me. I'd thought I'd been fooling him.

Keeping Charlie from suffering was the whole point of all this effort. How depressing to think that the effort had been wasted. "I don't want you to apologize." He said sounding frustrated. I sighed. "Then tell me what you do want me to do." I asked. "Bella," he hesitated, scrutinizing my reaction to his next words. "Honey, you're not the first person to go through this kind of thing, you know." He said sympathetically.

"I know that." My accompanying grimace was limp and unimpressive. "Listen, honey, I think that—that maybe you need some help." He said quickly. "Help?" I questioned. He paused, searching for the words again. "When your mother left," he began, frowning, "and took you with her." He inhaled deeply. "Well, that was a really bad time for me."

"I know, Dad," I mumbled. "But I handled it," he pointed out. "Honey, you're not handling it. I waited; I hoped it would get better." He stared at me and I looked down quickly. "I think we both know it's not getting better." He said. "I'm _fine_." I said putting emphasizes on the last word. He ignored me. "Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional." He explained.

"You want me to see a shrink?" My voice was a shade sharper as I realized what he was getting at. "Maybe it would help." He said softly. "And maybe it wouldn't help one little bit." I said angrily. I didn't know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn't work unless the subject was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truth—if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell. He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to another line of attack. "It's beyond me, Bella. Maybe your mother—" he started.

"Look," I said in a flat voice. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call Jacob or Angela." I said impulsively. "That's not what I want," he argued, frustrated. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try harder. I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch." He said pained. I pretended to be dense, looking down at the table. "I don't understand, Dad. First you're mad because I'm not doing anything, and then you say you don't want me to go out." I was confused. "I want you to be happy—no, not even that much. I just want you not to be miserable. I think you'll have a better chance if you get out of Forks." My eyes flashed up with the first small spark of feeling I'd had in too long to contemplate.

"I'm not leaving," I said. "Why not?" he demanded. "I'm in my last semester of school—it would screw everything up." I explained. "You're a good student—you'll figure it out." He reasoned. "I don't want to crowd Mom and Phil." I tried. "Your mother's been dying to have you back." He said shooting that down. "Florida is too hot." I lied quickly.

His fist came down on the table again. "We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you." He took a deep breath. "It's been months. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him." I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quite, reached my face. It had been a long time since I'd blushed with any emotion. This whole subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware. "I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything," I said in a low monotone.

"Bella—," Charlie began, his voice thick. "I have to get to school," I interrupted, standing up and yanking my untouched breakfast from the table. I dumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out. I couldn't deal with any more conversation. "I'll make plans with Jacob," I called over my shoulder as I strapped on my school bag, not meeting his eyes. "Maybe I won't be home for dinner. We'll go to Port Angeles and watch a movie." And I was out the front door before he could react.

In my haste to get away from Charlie, I ended up being one of the first ones to school. The plus side was that I got a really good parking spot. The downside was that I had free time on my hands, and I tried to avoid free time at all costs.

Quickly, before I could start thinking about Charlie's accusations I changed my thoughts to my plans with Jacob. It had been weeks, maybe months, since I talked to Jacob. I knew he came over a couple of times with Billy after _he _left. I felt a sharp pain in my chest at that thought. I don't remember whether I spoke back. I hope I hadn't offended him with my anti-social behavior. I weighed my options carefully as I loitered outside.

I wasn't about to face Charlie again without some kind of social interaction to report. I knew I couldn't lie, though the thought of driving to Port Angeles and back alone—being sure my odometer reflected the correct mileage, just in case he checked—was very tempting. Jacob's dad was my dad's best friend, and Charlie was bound to talk to him sooner or later. When he did he would no doubt mention the trip so lying was out. With a sigh I pulled out my cell phone that Charlie bought me. After that incident in the woods he didn't want to take any chances. "Hello?" Jacob said.

"Hey Jacob" I said nervously. "Bella?" he asked confused. "I wanted to know if you would like to go to the movies with me tonight." The words were stiff like a badly delivered line from a script. "Sure Bella" he said happily. "What movie do you want to see?" he asked. "I'm not sure, what's playing?" I hedged. This was the tricky part.

"Is there anything you'd like to see?" I asked. "Well, there is this zombie movie out 'Dead end' that I want to see. There is also a new romantic comedy that's out." He said. "Dead end sounds perfect" I'd rather deal with real zombies than watch a romance. "Okay" he said surprised. I tried to remember if I liked scary movies, but I wasn't sure. "Do you want me to pick you up around 7:00?" I asked remembering Jacob's car wasn't up and running yet. "Sure" he said then we hung up.

Realizing that school still hadn't started I pulled out my Calculus book. I flipped it open to the section we should be starting today, and tried to make sense of it. Reading math was even worse than listening to it, but I was getting better at it. In the last several months, I'd spent ten times the amount of time on Calculus than I'd ever spent on math before. As a result, I was managing to keep in the range of a low A. I knew Mr. Varner felt my improvement was all due to his superior teaching methods. And if that made him happy, I wasn't going to burst his bubble.

I forced myself to keep at it until the parking lot was full, and I ended up rushing to English. We were working on Animal Farm, an easy subject matter. I didn't mind communism; it was a welcome change from the exhausting romances that made up most of the curriculum. I settled into my seat, pleased by the distraction of Mr. Berty's lecture. Time moved easily while I was in school. The bell rang all too soon. I started repacking my bag.

"Bella?" someone called from behind me. I recognized Mike's voice, and I knew what his next words would be before he said them. "Are you working tomorrow?" he asked. I looked up. He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression. Every Friday he asked me the same question. Never mind that I hadn't taken as much as a sick day.

Well, with one exception, months ago. But he had no reason to look at me with such concern. I was a model employee. "Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" I said. Having just had it pointed out to me by Charlie, I realized how lifeless my voice really sounded. "Yeah, it is," he agreed. "See you in Spanish." He waved once before turning his back.

He didn't bother walking me to class anymore. The rest of the day passed quickly, my thoughts focused on tonight but soon the thick haze that blurred my days took over. The thick haze was sometimes confusing. I was surprised when I found myself in my room, not clearly remembering the drive home from school or even opening the front door. But that didn't matter. Losing track of time was the most I asked from life.

I didn't fight the haze as I turned to my closet. The numbness was more essential in some places than in others. I barely registered what I was looking at as I slid the door aside to reveal the pile of rubbish on the left side of my closet, under the clothes I never wore. My eyes did not stray toward the black garbage bag that held my present from that last birthday, did not see the shape of the stereo where it strained against the black plastic; I didn't think of the bloody mess my nails had been when I'd finished clawing it out of the dashboard. I yanked the old purse I rarely used off the nail it hung from, and shoved the door. I swiftly transferred my wallet from school to my purse. I glanced in the mirror before I opened the door and headed to my truck.

I called Jacob back before I started my truck. "Hey Bells" he said answering on the first ring. "I just wanted directions to your place. I'm not sure I can remember the way." I said. When Jacob spoke again it was much happier. "Okay Bells, do you have a pen?" the directions he gave were very simple. While I drove, I worried a little bit about Billy's reaction to seeing me. He would be too pleased.

In Billy's mind, no doubt, this had all worked out better than he had dared to hope. His pleasure and relief would only remind me of the one I couldn't bear to be reminded of. Not again today, I pleaded silently. I was spent. The Blacks' house was vaguely familiar, a small wooden place with narrow windows, and the dull red paint making it resemble a tiny barn. Jacob's head peered out of the window before I could even get out of the truck. No doubt the familiar roar of the engine had tipped him off to my approach. Jacob had been very grateful when Charlie bought Billy's truck for me, saving Jacob from having to drive it when he came of age.

I liked my truck very much, but Jacob seemed to consider the speed restrictions a shortcoming. He met me halfway to the house. "Bella!" His excited grin stretched wide across his face, the bright teeth standing in vivid contrast to the deep russet color of his skin. I'd never seen his hair out of its usual ponytail before. It fell like black satin curtains on either side of his broad face. Jacob had grown into some of his potential in the last six months. He'd passed that point where the soft muscles of childhood hardened into the solid, lanky build of a teenager; the tendons and veins had become prominent under the red-brown skin of his arms, his hands.

His face was still sweet like I remembered it, though it had hardened, too—the planes of his cheekbones sharper, his jaw squared off, all childish roundness gone. "Hey, Jacob!" I felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm at his smile. I realized that I was pleased to see him. This knowledge surprised me. I smiled back, and something clicked silently into place, like two corresponding puzzle pieces. I'd forgotten how much I really liked Jacob Black. He stopped a few feet away from me, and I stared up at him in surprise, leaning my head back to stare up at him.

"You grew again!" I accused in amazement. He laughed, his smile widening impossibly. "Six five," he announced with self-satisfaction. His voice was deeper, but it had the husky tone I remembered. "Is it ever going to stop?" I shook my head in disbelief. "You're huge." I said. "Still a beanpole, though." He grimaced.

"You want to come inside for a minute?" he asked. I shook my head. "Let's just go." I said. Jacob nodded and he led the way to my truck, twisting his hair in his big hands as he walked. He pulled a rubber band from his hip pocket and wound it around the bundle. "I'll drive" he said and I shook my head. "Are you legal yet?" I asked. Jacob smirked and I realized how that sounded.

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" I said stomping my foot. Jacob laughed. "Okay whatever you say Bells, but I will be in two months. January 14." He said with a shrug. "Well then in two months you can drive my truck." I told him. He smiled and got in the passenger seat. "Did the stereo break?" he wondered. "Yeah," I lied surprised his comment on the gaping hole in my dashboard, didn't send me into a panic like it should have.

He poked around in the cavity. "Who took it out? There's a lot of damage…" he asked trailing off. "I did," I admitted. He laughed. "Well I can fix it if you want." He offered. "Okay thanks" I said. "So how have you been?" he asked.

I didn't want to think about Charlie's accusation again so I turned the conversation around. "Good, how about you?" Jacob chattered happily, needing only the lightest of nudges from me to keep the conversation rolling. He updated me on the progress of his sophomore year of school, running on about his classes and his two best friends. "Quil and Embry?" I interrupted. "Those are unusual names." Jacob chuckled. "Quil's is a hand-me-down, and I think Embry got named after a soap opera star. I can't say anything, though. They fight dirty if you start on their names—they'll tag team you." He said. "Good friends." I raised one eyebrow.

"No, they are. Just don't mess with their names." He explained. "No problem." I said. The movie was playing early so Jacob thought we should hit the twilight showing and eat later. When we got to the theater, Jacob handed me a ten-dollar bill. "What's this?" I objected. "I'm not old enough to get into this one," he reminded me. I laughed out loud.

"I forgot. Is Billy going to kill me if I sneak you in?" I joked. "No. I told him you were planning to corrupt my youthful innocence." Jacob said smiling. I snickered as I went to get our tickets. Jacob and I joked around during the previews, so I wasn't bothered. But I got nervous when the movie started. A young couple was walking along a beach, swinging hands and discussing their mutual affection with gooey falseness. I resisted the urge to cover my ears and start humming.

I had not bargained for a romance. Jacob seemed to have the same thoughts. "When is someone going to get eaten?" he asked passing the popcorn he had bought before the show. Someone shushed us from behind. I nodded in agreement. "I thought we picked the zombie movie," I said. Jacob and I spent half of the movie talking about how stupid it was to put romance in scary movies.

When we finally started paying attention almost everyone was zombie. After that, I really watched the show. The rest of the movie was comprised of gruesome zombie attacks and endless screaming from the handful of people left alive, their numbers dwindling quickly. I would have thought there was nothing in that to disturb me. But I felt uneasy, and I wasn't sure why at first. It wasn't until almost the very end, as I watched a haggard zombie shambling after the last shrieking survivor, that I realized what the problem was. The scene kept cutting between the horrified face of the heroine, and the dead, emotionless face of her pursuer, back and forth as it closed the distance.

And I realized which one resembled me the most. I stood up. "Where are you going?" Jacob asked rising out of his seat. "I need a drink." I muttered. "You don't have to come. Get your eight bucks worth of carnage," I insisted as I raced for the exit. I sat down on the bench outside the theater door and tried very hard not to think of the irony. But it was ironic, all things considered, that, in the end, I would wind up as a zombie.

I hadn't seen that one coming. Not that I hadn't dreamed of becoming a mythical monster once—just never a grotesque, animated corpse. I shook my head to dislodge that train of thought, feeling panicky. I couldn't afford to think about what I'd once dreamed of. It was depressing to realize that I wasn't the heroine anymore that my story was over. I hadn't noticed Jacob sitting beside me during my depressing thoughts. He waited patiently for me to notice him then gave me a soft smile. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded not ready to speak. He wrapped his arm around me and led me away from the theater. "Let's get something to eat" Jacob suggested. "Okay" I said. Jacob talked about the movie, bringing me out of my depression. Soon we were talking normally again. Jacob didn't bring up my weirdness which was good.

Jacob stopped talking for a minute after he glanced toward something to my right. His eyes darted quickly to the right, across the road, and back again. I glanced around myself for the first time. We were on a short stretch of unlit sidewalk. The little shops lining the street were all locked up for the night, windows black. Half a block ahead, the streetlights started up again, and I could see, farther down, the bright golden arches of the McDonald's she was heading for. Across the street there was one open business.

The windows were covered from inside and there were neon signs, advertisements for different brands of beer, glowing in front of them. The biggest sign, in brilliant green, was the name of the bar—One-Eyed Pete's. I wondered if there was some pirate theme not visible from outside. The metal door was propped open; it was dimly lit inside, and the low murmur of many voices and the sound of ice clinking in glasses floated across the street. Lounging against the wall beside the door were four men. I glanced back at Jacob. He was whistling and holding tightly to my hand.

He didn't look frightened but I could see that he was tense, like he was ready for a fight. I paused without thinking, looking back at the four men with a strong sense of déjà vu. This was a different road, a different night, but the scene was so much the same. One of them was even short and dark. As I stopped and turned toward them, that one looked up in interest. I stared back at him, frozen on the sidewalk. "Bella?" Jacob called.

"Are you alright?" he asked concerned. I shook my head, not sure myself. "I think I know them…" I muttered. What was I doing? I should be running from this memory as fast as I could, blocking the image of the four lounging men from my mind, protecting myself with the numbness I couldn't function without. Why was I stepping, dazed, into the street? It seemed too coincidental that I should be in Port Angeles with Jacob, on a dark street even.

My eyes focused on the short one, trying to match the features to my memory of the man who had threatened me that night almost a year ago. I wondered if there was any way I would recognize the man, if it was really him. That particular part of that particular evening was just a blur. My body remembered it better than my mind did; the tension in my legs as I tried to decide whether to run or to stand my ground, the dryness in my throat as I struggled to build a decent scream, the tight stretch of skin across my knuckles as I clenched my hands into fists, the chills on the back of my neck when the dark-haired man called me "sugar." There was an indefinite, implied kind of menace to these men that had nothing to do with that other night. It sprung from the fact that they were strangers, and it was dark here, and they outnumbered us—nothing more specific than that.

But it was enough that Jacob's voice calm as he took a glance toward the men and back at me. "You really know them" he asked raising an eyebrow. I nodded, walking slowly forward without ever making the conscious decision to move my feet. I didn't understand why, but the nebulous threat the men presented drew me toward them. It was a senseless impulse, but I hadn't felt any kind of impulse in so long… I followed it. Something unfamiliar beat through my veins. Adrenaline, I realized, long absent from my system, drumming my pulse faster and fighting against the lack of sensation.

It was strange—why the adrenaline when there was no fear? It was almost as if it were an echo of the last time I'd stood like this, on a dark street in Port Angeles with strangers. I saw no reason for fear. I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of, not physically at least. One of the few advantages of losing everything. I was halfway across the street when I realized Jacob was still holding my hand and following me. "Bella you want to go into a bar?" he asked confused. "I'm not going in," I told him.

"I just want to see something…" I trailed off. Jacob nodded looking toward the men narrowing his eyes. "Okay, if you really want to go talk to those guys I'll go with you." He said. I looked in his eyes and realized that he was serious. I shook my head. "Go eat," I encouraged him, waving toward the fast food. I felt the adrenaline start to fade as fear and worry for Jacob took over.

"I'll catch up in a minute." I turned away from him, back to the men who were watching us with amused, curious eyes. If those men were dangerous I couldn't let Jacob follow me. He might get hurt. "No Bella, if you're going over there I'm coming with you" he said. Looking into Jacob determined eyes I felt a rush of emotion I couldn't name. "Never mind, let's go get something to eat." I said squeezing Jacob's hand and pulling him toward McDonald's. We walked to McDonald's in silence, once inside Jacob led us to the seating area.

"What do you want?" he asked pointing to the counter. I shrugged. "You pick." I said. He nodded and went to get our food. While Jacob made or order I sat quietly and waited for the numbness to return, or the pain. Because the pain must be coming. I'd broken my personal rules.

Instead of shying away from the memories, I'd walked forward and greeted them bring Jacob along for the ride. I felt terrible about that. Jacob came back a few minutes later with two trays of food. "I got you a double cheese burger, some fries, a milkshake, and an apple pie." He said handing me my tray. I smiled and began to eat. I was surprised by how hungry I was all of a sudden.

I looked up from my burger and stared at Jacob in amazement. Jacob had double the food on his plate and was already half finished. "What?" Jacob asked when he noticed my staring. "How can you eat all that?" I asked. Jacob shrugged "For some reason I've been extremely hungry for the last couple of months. Like all the time." He said shoving more food into his mouth. I nodded unable to think of a response. Jacob finished his food first and began telling me stories of pranks he pulled on his friends.

Soon we had finished our meal and were heading back to my truck. The drive was enjoyable. I was surprised when we reached Jacob's house. "You think you'll visit again anytime soon?" he wondered, trying to be casual about it. "Can I come back tomorrow after work," I asked. "Sure, sure" he said, trying to disguise his satisfaction. After he left I went home.

I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth of Jacob's presence was fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger. Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall when I got home. "Hey Dad," I flashed Charlie a grin as I ducked around him, heading for the stairs. Shock flitted across his face before he pulled his expression together. "Hey, honey," he said, his voice uncertain.

"Did you have fun with Jacob?" he asked. "Yeah, I did." I said smiling. "Well, that's good." He was still cautious. "What did you two do?" I looked at my dad, surprised. "I went to a movie in Port Angeles with Jacob. I told you this morning." "Alright," he grunted.

"Is that okay?" I asked unsure, He studied my face, his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected. "Yeah, that's fine. Did you have fun?" he asked relaxing." Sure," I said. "We watched zombies eat people. It was great." His eyes narrowed. "'Night, Dad." I said. He let me pass.

As I climbed the stairs, I felt the last of the afternoon's abnormal sense of well-being drain from my system, replaced by a dull fear at the thought of what I was going to have to live through now. I wasn't numb anymore. Tonight would, no doubt, be as horrific as last night. I lay down on my bed and curled into a ball in preparation for the onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut and… the next thing I next I knew, it was morning. I stared at the pale silver light coming through my window, stunned. For the first time in more than two months, I'd slept without dreaming.

Dreaming or screaming. I couldn't tell which emotion was stronger—the relief or the shock. I lay still in my bed for a few minutes, waiting for it to come back. Because something must be coming. If not the pain, then the numbness. I waited, but nothing happened. I felt more rested than I had in a long time. I didn't trust this to last.

It was a slippery, precarious edge that I balanced on, and it wouldn't take much to knock me back down. Just glancing around my room with these suddenly clear eyes—noticing how strange it looked, too tidy, like I didn't live here at all—was dangerous. I decided I needed to redecorate. Maybe I could ask Jacob to help. I pushed that thought from my mind, and concentrated, as I got dressed, on the fact that I was going to see Jacob again today. The thought made me feel almost… hopeful. Maybe it would be the same as yesterday.

Maybe I wouldn't have to remind myself to look interested and to nod or smile at appropriate intervals, the way I had to with everyone else. Maybe… but I wouldn't trust this to last, either. Wouldn't trust it to be the same—so easy—as yesterday. I wasn't going to set myself up for disappointment like that.

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**AUTHOUR'S NOTE: Hi, so i've written yet another twilight story. this is my take on how new moon should have went! please pm or review your thoughts and ideas! no flames please. constructive critism welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: what if Charlie had confronted Bella two months early? What if Bella had gone the movies with Jacob instead of Jessica? What if she never heard Edwards voice or jumped off that cliff alone? Would she still end up with Edward or would she finally be able to move on with Jacob?

Chapter Two: A Dinner and a Nightmare!

_"After you find out all the things that can go wrong, your life becomes less about living and more about waiting." _

_― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke_

At breakfast, Charlie was being careful, too. He tried to hide his scrutiny, keeping his eyes on his eggs until he thought I wasn't looking. "What are you up to today?" he asked, eyeing a loose thread on the edge of his cuff like he wasn't paying much attention to my answer. "I'm going to hang out with Jacob again after work." I told him. "That's good, I might join you guys later." He said. I nodded and didn't look up from my plate. Charlie stared at me during breakfast, and I tried to ignore him.

I supposed I deserved it. I couldn't expect him not to worry. It would probably be weeks before he stopped watching for the return of the zombie, and I would just have to try to not let it bother me. After all, I would be watching for the return of the zombie, too. One afternoon was hardly long enough to call me cured. I went to work and tried my best to concentrate but all I could think about was going to see Jacob. "Bella, why don't you take off," Mike suggested, his eyes focused off to the side, not really looking at me.

I wondered how long that had been going on without me noticing. It was a slow afternoon at Newton's. At the moment there were only two patrons in the store, dedicated backpackers from the sound of their conversation. Mike had spent the last hour going through the pros and cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them. But they'd taken a break from serious pricing to indulge in trying to one-up each other with their latest tales from the trail. Their distraction had given Mike a chance to escape. "I don't mind staying," I said but in truth I couldn't wait to leave.

I still hadn't been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears. I tried to tune out the laughing hikers without success. "I'm telling you," said the thickset man with the orange beard that didn't match his dark brown hair. "I've seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone, but they had nothing on this brute." His hair was matted, and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days. He looked like he was fresh from the mountains. "Not a chance. Black bears don't get that big. The grizzlies you saw were probably cubs." The second man was tall and lean, his face tanned and wind-whipped into an impressive leathery crust. "Seriously, Bella, as soon as these two give up, I'm closing the place down," Mike murmured.

"If you want me to go…" I shrugged trying to act like I was reluctant. "On all fours it was taller than you," the bearded man insisted while I gathered my things together. "He was Big as a house and pitch-black. I'm going to report it to the ranger here. People ought to be warned—this wasn't up on the mountain, mind you—this was only a few miles from the trailhead." He said. Leather-face laughed and rolled his eyes. "Let me guess—you were on your way in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?" he said mockingly. "Hey, uh, Mike, right?" the bearded man called, looking toward us. "See you Monday," I mumbled rushing for the door.

"Yes, sir," Mike replied, turning away. "Say, have there been any warnings around here recently—about black bears?" he asked "No, sir. But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food correctly. Have you seen the new bear-safe canisters? They only weigh two pounds…" mike trailed off. The doors slid open to let me out into the rain. I hunched over inside my jacket as I dashed for my truck. The rain hammering against my hood sounded unusually loud, too, but soon the roar of the engine drowned out everything else. I had to drive more slowly than I wanted to; I could hardly see a car length in front of the truck.

But I finally made it through the muddy lanes to Jacob's house. Before I'd killed the engine, the front door opened and Jacob came running out with a huge black umbrella. He held it over my door while I opened it. "Hey, Bella," he called. I smiled in relief. "Hey, Jacob," I said. Jacob led me toward the house.

"Hey, Dad," he called as he ducked to get through the front door. "Look who stopped by." Billy was in the tiny square living room, a book in his hands. He set the book in his lap and wheeled himself forward when he saw me. "Well, what do you know? It's good to see you, Bella." He said. We shook hands. Mine was lost in his wide grasp. "What brings you out here? Is everything okay with Charlie?" he asked and I shook my head.

"Yes, absolutely, I just wanted to see Jacob." I told him. Jacob's eyes brightened at my words. He was smiling so big it looked like it would hurt his cheeks. "Can you stay for dinner?" Billy was eager, too. "No, I've got to feed Charlie, you know." I said not wanting to over stay my welcome. "I'll call him now," Billy suggested. "He's always invited." He said rolling over to the phone.

I laughed to hide my discomfort. "It's not like you'll never see me again. I promise I'll be back again soon—so much you'll get sick of me." I said laughing. Billy chuckled in response. "I don't think so." He said glancing at Jacob. "Besides I remember my dad saying he'd stop by." I said. "So, Bella, what do you want to do?" Jacob asked. "Whatever. What were you doing before I interrupted?" I was strangely comfortable here. It was familiar, but only distantly.

There were no painful reminders of the recent past. Jacob hesitated. "I was just heading out to work on my car, but we can do something else…" he paused. "No, that's perfect!" I interrupted. "I'd love to see your car." I said excited. "Okay," he said, not convinced. "It's out back, in the garage." He said heading out the door.

I waved at Billy as I followed him. "See you later." I told him. A thick stand of trees and shrubbery concealed his garage from the house. The garage was no more than a couple of big preformed sheds that had been bolted together with their interior walls knocked out. Under this shelter, raised on cinder blocks, was what looked to me like a completed automobile. I recognized the symbol on the grille, at least. "What kind of Volkswagen is that?" I asked.

"It's an old Rabbit—1986, a classic." He said proudly. "How's it going?" I asked. "Almost finished," he said cheerfully. And then his voice dropped into a lower key. "My dad made good on his promise last spring." He muttered. "Ah," I said. He seemed to understand my reluctance to open the subject.

I tried not to remember last May at the prom. Jacob had been bribed by his father with money and car parts to deliver a message there. Billy wanted me to stay a safe distance from the most important person in my life. It turned out that his concern was, in the end, unnecessary. I was all too safe now. He opened up the passenger door of the Rabbit so I could sit on the seat instead of the ground. While he worked, Jacob chattered happily about pranks he pulled on his friends Quil and Embry. I listened carefully enjoying the sound of his voice.

Just then a call echoed in the distance. "Jacob?" someone shouted. "Is that Billy?" I asked. "No." Jacob ducked his head, and it looked like he was blushing under his brown skin. "Speak of the devil," he mumbled, "and the devil shall appear." I just looked at him. "Jake? Are you out here?" The shouting voice was closer now.

"Yeah!" Jacob shouted back, and sighed. We waited through the short silence until two tall, dark-skinned boys strolled around the corner into the shed. One was slender, and almost as tall as Jacob. His black hair was chin-length and parted down the middle, one side tucked behind his left ear while the right side swung free. The shorter boy was burlier. His white T-shirt strained over his well-developed chest, and he seemed gleefully conscious of that fact. His hair was so short it was almost a buzz.

Both boys stopped short when they saw me. The thin boy glanced swiftly back and forth between Jacob and me, while the brawny boy kept his eyes on me, a slow smile spreading across his face. "Hey, guys," Jacob greeted them halfheartedly. "Hey, Jake," the short one said without looking away from me. I had to smile in response, his grin was so impish. When I did, he winked at me. "Hi, there," He said lowering his tone.

"Quil, Embry—this is my friend, Bella." Jacob said introducing me. Quil and Embry, I still didn't know which was which, exchanged a loaded look. "Charlie's kid, right?" the brawny boy asked me, holding out his hand. "That's right," I confirmed, shaking hands with him. His grasp was firm; it looked like he was flexing his bicep. "I'm Quil Ateara," he announced grandly before releasing my hand. "Nice to meet you, Quil." I said trying to hide my snickers.

"Hey, Bella! I'm Embry, Embry Call—you probably already figured that out, though." Embry smiled a shy smile and waved with one hand, which he then shoved in the pocket of his jeans. I nodded. "Nice to meet you, too." I said smiling back. "So what are you guys doing?" Quil asked, still looking at me. "Bella and I are working on the rabbit" Jacob explained inaccurately. But rabbit seemed to be the magic word. Both boys went to examine Jacob's project, drilling him with educated questions.

Many of the words they used were unfamiliar to me, and I figured I'd have to have a Y chromosome to really understand the excitement. They were still immersed in talk of parts and pieces when I decided that I needed to head inside and see if Billy needed help with dinner. With a sigh, I slid out of the Rabbit. Jacob looked up, apologetic. "We're boring you, aren't we?" he asked. "No." And it wasn't a lie. I was enjoying myself—how strange.

"I just have to go help Billy cook dinner." I explained. Jacob nodded and said he'd meet me inside in a moment. Billy was grateful for the help and let me take over the kitchen. "The Clearwater's are coming over for dinner to." He said as he rolled out of the kitchen. There wasn't much in the fridge so I decided to run into town and get some groceries. "Where are you going?" Jacob asked once he came in the house. "I'm going to the store to get something for dinner." I told him. "I'll go with you" Jacob said.

The trip to the grocery store was quick. I decided to make Roast chicken with Apples & Onions. Jacob volunteered to help me in the kitchen. "Okay Jacob we need 1/3 cup orange juice, 1/3 cup maple syrup, 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar, 1-1/2 teaspoons Dijon mustard, 1 teaspoon salt, divided, 3/4 teaspoon pepper, divided, 1 tablespoon minced fresh basil, or 1 teaspoon dried basil, 1/2 teaspoon grated orange peel, 6 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (6 ounces each)." I told him. Jacob stared at me confused. I repeated what I said and then Jacob gave me the items. In a small saucepan I combined the orange juice, syrup, vinegar, mustard, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper.

Then I brought it to a boil and cooked it until the liquid was reduced to 1/2 cup. That took about 5 minutes. I stirred in the basil and orange peel. Then Removed from the heat and set it aside. I turned around to face Jacob. "Sprinkle the chicken with the remaining salt and pepper." I told him. We grilled the chicken over medium heat for 5-7 minutes on each side and basted frequently with orange juice mixture. After that Jacob made dinner rolls and I got started on a cake.

"How did you learn to cook like this?" Jacob asked me. I shrugged "I watched a lot of cooking shows and used to practice after school." I said. Jacob laughed. "Why?" he asked. I raised an eyebrow. "If you tasted my mom's cooking you would have done the same." I told him. Jacob shuttered.

I guess he remembered the meals my mom used to make when he came over for dinner when we were kids. "So how did you learn to cook?" I asked him. Jacob looked uncomfortable. "After my mom died and my sisters left I had to make sure me and my father ate." He said then looked at his feet. "After all, we couldn't survive on fast food and take out for ever." He joked. I laughed but inside I felt bad. I forgot about that.

"How old were you when they left?" I asked. Jacob turned his back to me. "I was thirteen. Rachel ran off to Washington State and Rebecca went to Hawaii and got married." He said. "They still visit right?" I asked. I tried to hide the concern in my voice but it leaked through anyway. "Rebecca hasn't been home once since she got married, though she does have a good excuse. Plane tickets from Hawaii are pretty pricey. Washington State is close enough that Rachel doesn't have the same defense. She takes classes straight through the summer semesters, and works double shifts over the holidays at some cafe on campus." He said. "Oh Jake, I'm so sorry." I said putting my hand on his shoulder.

Jacob shrugged "It doesn't matter anymore." He said but he grabbed my hand and held it. I was about to say something when I noticed four figures standing on in Jacob's backyard. I couldn't tell from the distance how old they were, but I assumed they were men. Despite the chill in the air today, they seemed to be wearing only shorts. As I watched, the tallest person stepped closer to the house. I saw Jacob's dad wheel himself over to them and they started talking. "What's wrong?" Jacob asked noticing my attention was elsewhere.

"Who are they?" I asked. He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. "They are the La Push gang." He said. "You have a gang?" I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed. He laughed once at my reaction. "Not like that. I swear, they're like hall monitors gone bad. They don't start fights, they keep the peace." He snorted.

"There was this guy from up somewhere by the Makah rez, big guy too, scary-looking. Well, word got around that he was selling meth to kids, and Sam Uley and his disciples ran him off our land. They're all about our land, and tribe pride… it's getting ridiculous. The worst part is that the council takes them seriously. Embry said that the council actually meets with Sam." He shook his head, face full of resentment. "Embry also heard from Leah Clearwater that they call themselves 'protectors' or something like that." He explained. Jacob's hands were clenched into fists, as if he'd like to hit something. I'd never seen this side of him. I was surprised to hear Sam Uley's name. I didn't want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, so I made a quick observation to distract myself. "You don't like them very much." I stated.

"Does it show?" he asked sarcastically. "Well… It doesn't sound like they're doing anything bad." I tried to soothe him, to make him cheerful again. "They are just sort of annoyingly goody-two-shoes for a gang." I said. "Yeah, Annoying is a good word. They're always showing off—like the cliff thing. They act like… like, I don't know. Like tough guys. I was hanging out at the store with Embry and Quil once, last semester, and Sam came by with his followers, Jared and Paul. Quil said something, you know how he's got a big mouth, and it pissed Paul off. His eyes got all dark, and he sort of smiled—no, he showed his teeth but he didn't smile—and it was like he was so mad he was shaking or something. But Sam put his hand against Paul's chest and shook his head. Paul looked at him for a minute and calmed down. Honestly, it was like Sam was holding him back—like Paul was going to tear us up if Sam didn't stop him." He groaned. "Like a bad western. You know, Sam's a pretty big guy, he's twenty. But Paul's just sixteen, too, shorter than me and not as beefy as Quil. I think any one of us could take him." he said irritated. "Tough guys," I agreed. I could see it in my head as he described it, and it reminded me of something… a trio of tall, dark men standing very still and close together in my father's living room.

The picture was sideways, because my head was lying against the couch while Dr. Gerandy and Charlie leaned over me… Had that been Sam's gang? I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. "Isn't Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?" I asked. "Yeah, He was supposed to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any crap about it, either. The whole council pitched a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong." He said angrily. His face was set in unfamiliar lines of outrage—outrage and something else I didn't recognize at first. "It all sounds really annoying and… strange. But I don't get why you're taking it so personally." I peeked over at his face, hoping I hadn't offended him.

"Jake…"I hesitated. "Yeah?" he said looking at me. "What's really bothering you? About the Sam thing, I mean? Is there something else?" I asked and watched his face. He grimaced, but he didn't seem angry. He looked at the floor and kicked his shoe against the counter again and again, like he was keeping time. He sighed. "It's just… the way they treat me. It just really creeps me out." The words started to rush out now.

"You know, the council is supposed to be made up of equals, but if there was a leader, it would be my dad. I've never been able to figure out why people treat him the way they do. Why his opinion counts the most. It's got something to do with his father and his father's father. My great-grandpa, Ephraim Black, was sort of the last chief we had, and they still listen to Billy, maybe because of that." He quiet for a second. "But I'm just like everyone else. Nobody treats me special… until now." He said darkly. That caught me off guard. "Sam treats you special?" I asked. "Yeah," he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. "He looks at me like he's waiting for something… like I'm going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it." Jacob looked really upset. "You don't have to join anything." My voice was angry.

This was really upsetting Jacob, and that infuriated me. Who did these "protectors" think they were? "Yeah," he mumbled. His foot kept up its rhythm against the counter. "So what did you do today?" he asked changing the subject. We talked for a while joking and laughing. Charlie's familiar voice echoed from outside. "Bella?" he called. Both our heads snapped up.

"Coming" I yelled. Jacob followed me continuing the story of the time he stole Quil's underwear and replaced them with women's panties. So we were also both laughing when the house came into view. I wasn't used to laughing, and it felt right and also very wrong at the same time. I hoped Jacob wouldn't notice the faint hint of hysteria in my tone. Charlie was standing under the little back porch, and Billy was sitting in the doorway behind them. "Hey, Dad," we both said at the same time, and that started us laughing again.

Charlie stared at me with wide eyes that flashed down to note Jacob's hand around mine. "Billy said you made dinner," Charlie said to us in an absentminded tone. I nodded. "Jacob and I made orange chicken and Jacob made dinner rolls. For dessert I'm making a cake." I told him. By the time we finished making dinner the house was crowded. Harry Clearwater was there, too, with his family—his wife, Sue, whom I knew vaguely from my childhood summers in Forks, and his two children. Leah was a senior like me, but a year older.

She was beautiful in an exotic way—perfect copper skin, glistening black hair, and eyelashes like feather dusters—and preoccupied. She went and got on Billy's phone when we she came in, and she never let it go. Seth was fourteen; he hung on Jacob's every word with idolizing eyes. There were too many of us for the kitchen table, so Charlie and Harry brought chairs out to the yard, and we ate chicken off plates on our laps in the dim light from Billy's open door. The men talked about the game, and Harry and Charlie made fishing plans. Sue teased her husband about his cholesterol and tried, unsuccessfully, to shame him into eating something green and leafy. Jacob talked mostly to me and Seth, who interrupted eagerly whenever Jacob seemed in danger of forgetting him.

Charlie watched me, trying to be inconspicuous about it, with pleased but cautious eyes. It was loud and sometimes confusing as everyone talked over everyone else, and the laughter from one joke interrupted the telling of another. I didn't have to speak often to anyone but Jacob, but I smiled a lot, and only because I felt like it. I didn't want to leave. This was Washington, though, and the inevitable rain eventually broke up the party; Billy's living room was much too small to provide an option for continuing the get-together. Harry had driven Charlie down, so we rode together in my truck on the way back home. He asked about my day, and I told the truth—that I'd hung out with Jacob and then watched him work on his car in his garage.

"You think you'll visit again anytime soon?" he wondered, trying to be casual about it. "Monday after school," I admitted. "I'll take homework, don't worry." I said in a rush. "You be sure to do that," he ordered, trying to disguise his satisfaction. I was nervous when we got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth of Jacob's presence was fading and, in its absence, the anxiety grew stronger. I was sure I wouldn't get away with two peaceful nights of sleep in a row.

To put bedtime off, I checked my e-mail; there was a new message from Renee. She wrote about her day, a new book club that took over the time slot of the meditation classes she'd just quit, her week subbing in the second grade, missing her kindergarteners. She wrote that Phil was enjoying his new coaching job, and that they were planning a second honeymoon trip to Disney World. And I noticed that the whole thing read like a journal entry, rather than a letter to someone else. Remorse flooded through me, leaving an uncomfortable sting behind. Some daughter I was. I wrote back to her quickly, commenting on each part of her letter, volunteering information of my own—describing the dinner party at Billy's and how I felt watching Jacob build a car out of small pieces of metal—awed and slightly envious. I made no reference to the change this letter would be from the ones she'd received in the last two months.

I could barely remember what I'd written to her even as recently as last week, but I was sure it wasn't very responsive. The more I thought about it, the guiltier I felt; I really must have worried her. I stayed up extra late after that, finishing more homework than strictly necessary. That night I had a dream that I was in a brick maze, I couldn't find the end and as I ran people I didn't know stared at me through the maze walls. Something was chasing me. It was a large red/brown wolf chasing me.

It was much too big to be a wolf but, I knew it was a wolf chasing me. For some reason I wasn't really scared. I don't know why I was running. "Bella!" I heard a familiar voice yell. I turned around and saw Jacob running toward me. I looked behind him and saw Sam Uley—the man who had pulled me from the forest floor that night I couldn't bear to think of consciously—was standing behind him. The man's dark eyes were surprisingly unfriendly, filled with some secret he didn't seem inclined to share.

I stared at him, my frantic searching for a way to worn Jacob. Maybe that was because, when I didn't look directly at him, his shape seemed to shiver and change in my peripheral vision. I screamed as in his place a huge black shape, quiet as a shadow, stalked deliberately toward Jacob. A large wolf stood snarling. I tried to tell Jacob to watch out but someone's hand covered my mouth. The hand was cold like ice and hard as stone. "You can't save him Bella" I heard the man say.

My muscles locked into place, froze me where I stood. It was a familiar voice, a beautiful voice—soft like velvet even though it was irate. It was his voice—I was exceptionally careful not to think his name—and I was surprised that the sound of it did not knock me to my knees, did not curl me onto the pavement in a torture of loss. But there was no pain, none at all. Instead I felt anger. Jacob needed me. I struggled trying to break free of his hold.

Jacob continued calling out for me and running. It was then I realized that he couldn't see me. The wolf was only inches away from him and he didn't know. I felt tears run down my face when I realized I wouldn't be able to warn him in time. Just then the wolf pounced and I heard Jacob scream. I woke shuddering, my scream muffled by the pillow. As the dim morning light filtered through the fog outside my window, I lay still in bed and tried to shake off the dream.

I needed to call Jacob. I didn't even glance at Charlie as I made my way to the phone. "Who are you calling Bella?" Charlie asked. "I'm calling Jacob." I said. "At 6:00 in the morning." Charlie asked. I hadn't realized what time it was. I dialed anyway, and then waited without high expectations.

It caught me off guard when Billy answered on the second ring. "Hello?" he asked. "Hi, is Jacob there?" I asked nervously. Billy was quiet for a second. "Bella?" he questioned. "Yeah it's me." I said. Billy paused again and I heard whispering.

"Hi, Bella" Jacob said taking the phone. I was surprised he could sound so chipper early in the morning. "Hi… I…um" I was in such a hurry to call and check on Jacob that I hadn't thought of what I would say when he answered. "Hey Bella, how about I come over later?" Jacob asked breaking me from my thoughts. "Ok" I said happy he didn't ask why I called. "We could rent a scary movie and I'll bring popcorn and snacks." He said. I smiled "That sounds great." I said.

"Alright, I'll see you at 6:00p.m" he said. I nodded even though I knew he couldn't see it. "You want me to pick you up?" I asked. I could hear Jacob smiled through the phone. "Sounds like a plan" he said. "Bye Jacob" I hung up. Charlie left for work after that.

I started cleaning the house trying to keep myself distracted. I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time. Then, when I'd washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was in the house much too much, and much too alone. Without Jacob, or my dad, or any distractions, everything I'd been repressing started creeping up on me. I glanced at the clock routinely.

Something I did every few minutes around this time. I had been in the kitchen for Less than a half hour now. Afternoons were the hardest part of my day. I went and took a shower, changed my clothes, and still had a lot of time left. Frustrated, I turned on the TV. Some romantic soap opera was on. "Will, you promised you'd stay with me forever" a dark haired woman cried holding a man, who I guess had to be Will, by the arm.

The man snatched his arm back and picked up his suit case. "I lied" he said before walking out the door. The woman fell to the ground sobbing. Quickly I turned the channel. I wasn't ready for romance yet. And sad romance was the worse. I settled on the Spanish cooking channel and relaxed. I just a couple more hours to wait then I could go see Jacob. I sighed, I really was pathetic.

* * *

**Author's note: i just finished chapter two! please review and pm your thoughts and ideas. thank you! and i'd like to give a speical thanks to my first two reviewers! **

**mrslisablack **

** GlassHeart1993**

**you guys are awesome!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

**Chapter three: An empty house, and an angry broken heart!**

_A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt._

_Rachel Sontag, House Rules_

After spending the weekend with Jacob time began to trip along much more quickly than it had before. It had been weeks since the night I had invited Jacob to the movies and Charlie got his wish: I wasn't miserable anymore. Charlie was no longer surprised to find Jacob and I sprawled across the living room floor with our books scattered around us. Me cooking dinner for Charlie, Jacob, and Billy became a daily event. I'd spend the afternoon cooking with Jacob—while Charlie watched and occasionally sampled. I was being a good daughter, trying to atone for all the pizza they had to eat over the years.

If Jacob came over my house he always stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. School, work, and Jacob—though not necessarily in that order—created a neat and effortless pattern to follow. Of course, I couldn't fool myself completely. When I stopped to take stock of my life, which I tried not to do too often, I couldn't ignore the implications of my behavior. I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity. Jacob had even fixed my radio, much to my dismay.

It had been a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. Even at the auto part store when he forced me to buy a stereo. Jacob took the time to explain what kind of stereo I was getting and how to install it. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn't think that was enough of an explanation.

Jacob was constantly encouraging me to make up with my friends from school and I think that was Charlie's idea. I wouldn't have a problem with it except for one thing. Remember how I was bothered by Charlie's constant staring. Well School was the opposite. Now that I was paying attention, it was clear that no one was watching here. I remembered the first day I'd come to Forks High School—how desperately I'd wished that I could turn gray, fade into the wet concrete of the sidewalk like an oversized chameleon. It seemed I was getting that wish answered, a year late. It was as if I was not there.

Even my teachers' eyes slid past my seat as if it were empty. I listened all through the morning, hearing once again the voices of the people around me. I tried to catch up on what was going on, but the conversations were so disjointed that I gave up. Jessica didn't look up when I sat down next to her in Calculus.

"Hey, Jess," I said with put-on nonchalance. "How have you been?" I asked waiting for her to turn on me. She twisted in her seat to face me, eyeing me incredulously. "Are you talking to me, Bella?" she asked surprised. "Of course", I widened my eyes to suggest innocence. "What? Do you need help with Calculus?" Her tone was a tad sour. "No." I shook my head.

"Actually, I wanted to know how you've been doing" I said. Jessica shrugged "Super", she said, turning back to her book. "That's good," I mumbled. I was about to give up when an idea popped in my head. "So what's up with you and Mike these days?" I asked quickly. "You see him more than I do." She said not looking up from her book. The question had not started her talking like I'd hoped it would.

"It's hard to talk at work," I mumbled, and then I tried again. "Have you been out with anyone lately?" I asked. "Not really. I go out with Conner sometimes. I went out with Eric two weeks ago." She rolled her eyes, and I sensed a long story. I clutched at the opportunity. "EricYorkie? Who asked who?" I asked trying to keep us talking. Why was it so much easier to talk to Jacob? She groaned, becoming more animated. "He did, of course! I couldn't think of a nice way to say no." she said irritated.

"Where did he take you?" I demanded, knowing she would interpret my eagerness as interest. "Tell me all about it." She launched into her tale, and I settled into my seat, more comfortable now. I paid strict attention, murmuring in sympathy and gasping in horror as called for. When she was finished with her Eric story, she continued into a Conner comparison without any prodding. Class passed quickly after that.

My fourth hour class got out late, and the lunch table I always sat at was full by the time I arrived. Mike was there, Jessica and Angela, Conner, Tyler, Eric and Lauren. KatieMarshall, the redheaded junior who lived around the corner from me, was sitting with Eric, and Austin Marks was next to her. I wondered how long they had been sitting here, unable to remember if this was the first day or something that was a regular habit. I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester. No one looked up when I sat down next to Mike, even though the chair squealed stridently against the linoleum as I dragged it back. I tried to catch up with the conversation.

Mike and Conner were talking sports, so I gave up on that one at once. "Where's Ben today?" Lauren was asking Angela. I perked up, interested. I wondered if that meant Angela and Ben were still together. I barely recognized Lauren. She'd cut off all her blond, corn-silk hair—now she had a pixie cut so short that the back was shaved like a boy. What an odd thing for her to do.

I wished I knew the reason behind it. Did she get gum stuck in it? Did she sell it? Did all the people she was habitually nasty to catch her behind the gym and scalped her? I decided it wasn't fair for me to judge her now by my former opinion. For all I knew, she'd turned into a nice person. "Ben's got the stomach flu," Angela said in her quiet, calm voice.

"Hopefully it's just some twenty-four hour thing. He was really sick last night." Angela said and I could see the worry in her eyes. Angela had changed her hair, too. She'd grown out her layers. I wondered if I should do something different with my hair too. Maybe I should make it shorter. I'll ask Jacob after school. "What did you two do this week?" Jessica asked, not sounding as if she cared about the answer.

I'd bet that this was just an opener so she could tell her own stories. I wondered if she would talk about the stuff she told me in calculus. Was I invisible, was that why no one would feel the need to talk to me while I was here? "We were going to have a picnic yesterday, actually, but… we changed our minds," Angela said. There was an edge to her voice that caught my interest. Jess, not so much. "That's too bad," she said, about to launch into her story.

However, I was not the only one who was paying attention. "What happened?" Lauren asked curiously. "Well," Angela said, seeming more hesitant than usual, though she was always reserved, "we drove up north, almost to the hot springs—there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail. But, when we were halfway there… we saw something." She said. "Saw something? What?" Lauren's pale eyebrows pulled together. Even Jess seemed to be listening now. "I don't know," Angela said. "We think it was a bear. It was black, anyway, but it seemed… too big." Her voice shook and I could tell what she saw had frightened her.

Lauren snorted. "Oh, not you, too!" Her eyes turned mocking, and I decided I didn't need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Obviously, her personality had not changed as much as her hair. "Tyler tried to sell me that one last week," she said with a sneer. "You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort," Jessica said, siding with Lauren. "Really," Angela protested in a low voice, looking down at the table.

"We did see it." She said. Lauren snickered. Mike was still talking to Conner, not paying attention to the girls. "No, she is right;" I blurted seeing my opening to join the conversation. "We had a hiker in just Saturday who saw the bear, too, Angela. He said it was huge and black and just outside of town, didn't he, Mike?" I said. There was a moment of silence. Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock. The new girl, Katie, had her mouth hanging open as if she had just witnessed an explosion. Nobody moved. "Mike?" I muttered, mortified. "Remember the guy with the bear story?" I asked him urgently.

"S-sure," Mike stuttered after a second. I didn't know why he was looking at me so strangely. I talked to him at work, right. Did I? I thought so. Mike recovered. "Yeah, there was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear right at the trailhead—bigger than a grizzly," he confirmed.

"Humph." Lauren turned to Jessica, her shoulders stiff, and changed the subject. "Did you hear back from USC?" she asked. Everyone else looked away, too, except for Mike and Angela. Angela smiled at me tentatively, and I hurried to return the smile. "So, what did you do this week, Bella?" Mike asked, curious, but oddly wary. Everyone but Lauren looked back, waiting for my response. "I rented a movie and hung out with my friend Jacob. And today I'm going to spend the afternoon down in La Push." I said with a smile at the thought of seeing Jacob.

"What movie did you see?" Mike asked, starting to smile. "Dead silence—the one with the puppets," I said with a grin. Maybe some of the damage I had done in these past zombie months was reparable. "I heard that was scary. Did you think so?" Mike was eager to continue the conversation. I looked at Jess who looked irritated. I guess she really wanted to tell her story. I nodded, trying to look embarrassed. "It was pretty scary." I turned to Jessica. "So what did you do Jessica?" I asked knowing that would cheer her up. The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me. "What did you do Jessica?" Mike asked, starting to smile. I guess he realize what I was trying to do. Jessica smiled at me and went on to tell her story.

Mike did not stop asking me questions until lunch was over. Gradually, the others were able to start up their own conversations again, though they still looked at me a lot. Angela talked mostly to Mike and me, and, when I got up to dump my tray, she followed. "Thanks," she said in a low voice when we were away from the table. "For what?" I asked confused. "Speaking up, sticking up for me." She said. I shrugged "No problem". I said brushing off her thanks.

She looked at me with concern, but not the offensive, maybe-she's-lost-it kind. "Are you okay?" she asked. This is why I had picked Jessica over Angela—though I had always liked Angela more—for my first conversation. Angela was too perceptive. "Not completely," I admitted. "But I'm a little bit better." I said. "I'm glad," she said. "I've missed you." She said sincerely.

Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then, and I heard Lauren whisper loudly, "Oh, joy Bella's back". Angela rolled her eyes at them, and smiled at me in encouragement. I sighed It was like I was starting all over again. "What is it?" Angela asked. "It feels like my first day here all over again", I told her. "Nothing's changed much," Angela muttered, looking after Lauren and Jessica. "I know, I agreed I was just thinking the same thing." I told her. As I was leaving the lunchroom, my eyes traveled to the empty table the Cullens used to sit at. It was lonely and empty just like me. "Poor girl, I heard the Cullen just abandoned her" I heard some kids whisper as they pass by me on there way second the bell rang for school to be over, I turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I nearly ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I was developing some kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.

I wasn't sure what the hell was doing here. Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture? I should have stayed home and watched TV until it was time to for Jacob to get out of school. I should have ignored the time and instead gone straight down to La Push and surprise Jacob. I felt much, much healthier around Jacob this was not a healthy thing to do.

However, I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched over me like a green, living tunnel. My hands were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmares, now that I was awake, the constant repeating of the same dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone. Sam, Jacob, a giant wolf, and him. The fact that _he _had been in my dreams had to mean something. He may be Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he was out there, somewhere. I had to believe that.

The words ran through my head, tonelessly, as if I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken:

**_It will be as if I'd never existed. _**

I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I did not want to admit the strongest motivation, because it was mentally unsound. The truth was that I wanted to find proof. I needed Proof that he was not just a figment of my imagination. I needed proof that he did exist. That is why I was going to his home. A place I hadn't been since my ill-fated birthday party, so many months ago. The thick, almost jungle-like growth crawled slowly past my windows.

The drive wound on and on. I started to go faster, getting edgy. How long had I been driving? Why haven't I reached the house yet? The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar. What if I couldn't find it? I shivered.

What if there was no tangible proof at all? Then there was the break in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not as pronounced as before. The flora here did not wait long to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow around the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was as if the lawn had been flooded—waist-high—with green, feathery waves. Even though the house was there, it was not the same. Though nothing had changed on the outside, the emptiness screamed from the blank windows.

It was creepy. For the first time since I had seen the beautiful house, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires. I hit the brakes, looking away. I was afraid to go farther. I shook my head. "Don't be a coward." I whispered. I left the engine running and jumped out into the fern sea. I approached the barren, vacant face slowly, my truck rumbling out a comforting roar behind me.

I stopped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. There was No lingering sense of their presence… of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it meant little. Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares. I did not go any closer. I did not want to look in the windows. I wasn't sure which would be harder to see.

If the rooms were bare, echoing empty from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt. Like my grandmother's funeral, when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during the viewing. She had said that I didn't need to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive. However, wouldn't it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat just as I had last seen them, the paintings on the walls—worse still, the piano on its low platform? It would be second only to the house disappearing all together, to see that there was no physical possession that tied them in anyway. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them. Just like their lunch table. Just like me.

I could not look at the house anymore, even if I wanted to. I felt like I was going to faint. I felt dizzy, my knees gave out beneath me, and I fell to the ground. I struggled to my feet, ignoring the scrapes on my hands and turned my back on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck, to the one thing that could get me away from here. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. I knew it was too early. Jacob had probably just got home and I should probably wait an hour before I bother him but I didn't care. I needed Jacob.

I drove as fast as I could. I felt like if I slowed down even for a minute I would fall apart. I was not surprised to find Jacob waiting outside when I pulled up. I got out of the car and ran to him. "Bella?" he asks confused. I would probably be confused to if someone showed up at my house an hour early and jumped into my arms shaking. "He's not there anymore." I whispered, "He's not anywhere anymore"

Jacob did not say anything. He frowned before lifting me up against his chest and taking me inside the house. He walked right by Billy, who looked concerned, and into his room. He placed me gently on the bed and just sat there he closes his eyes, his arms finding their way around me, holding me tightly. "You're not alone. I'm here for you," he said, something inside me cracked, and a sob escaped my throat before I could stop it. The dam broke violently; emotions and memories long suppressed tearing from me in a flood that threatens to drown us both. I clung to him, my fingers digging into his shirt, grasping handfuls of the soft fabric as I bury my face in the curve of his neck.

I had not been this close to anyone for this long since _he_ left me. I had the sudden urge to push Jacob away, to get up and run and never come back. I should leave him here and let him go back to whatever he was doing before I came into his life. "It's alright Bella. I'm not going anywhere," he whispered and all of a sudden, I knew that I couldn't hide anymore. And I couldn't get up even if I wanted to. Because I was suddenly adrift on an open sea of pain and memories and he was the only thing keeping me from drowning. I needed him to keep me from slipping under.

I wished desperately to be numb again to go back to hiding behind the walls I had so carefully constructed around myself. He held me through all of it, only moving to shift his weight to a more comfortable position underneath me. He didn't say anything else, just tightened his arms around me, my hands flat against his back as he tried to absorb my pain. I tugged myself free from his grasp and stood up, wrapping my arms around my middle, trying to keep myself together. The look in his eyes tears at me and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I'm sorry," I said again, hating the way those words as they came out of my mouth.

Then I did the only thing I can do. I turned and walked quickly away leaving the room. I left him in stunned shock to stare after me as I ran away. I ran past Billy, who was on the phone, and out the door. I heard him calling my name but I didn't care. I need to get out of there.

By the time I reach the car, I'm buzzing with all types of emotions. I feel the Pain of him leaving me, the loneliness of losing my second family, fear of the unknown, and surprisingly a lot of anger. I can feel it like a current of electricity beneath his skin. I pulled, trying to get the door open, but it wouldn't budge. I tugged harder, yanking at it with all my strength, but it still did not open. My anger boils over into an unsuppressed rage that I can no longer control. I kick the door savagely, and then kick it again.

Then I start pounding on the window with my fists. I wants to break it, wants to feel it shatter beneath his hands, to see the shards scatter across the seat. Just like my heart shattered when he left me in the woods. So I hit it again, and again, and again. I focus on the pain in my hands, welcomes it. It was sharp and acute, different from the pulsing ache I have been living with for months. "Bella, Stop it!" The shout is close by but it barely registers with me and I pound my hands against the window again, ignoring the plea.

"Stop it!" a familiar voice shouts and this time, I feel two warm hands on my arm, pulling me away. I wanted to struggle, to fight against his hold, but my arms felt like lead and they fell limply at my sides, the wound in my chest throbbing with each pounding heartbeat. When I focus my eyes, I see Jacob holding me tightly. "Bella," he whispers, my name just a whisper from on his lip. "Don't do this?" he begs. The words make me flinch. I had asked _him_ that, before _he_ left me, in nearly the same tone of voice.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I thought this truck meant a lot to you Bella. You shouldn't break things that are important to you." He said. I looked up at him and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. Jacob shakes his head, running his fingers across my cheeks, leaving wet smears across my skin. "I will never leave you." He promised. I stared at him, my eyes glistening, fresh tears replacing the ones he just wiped away. Then he hugs me, catching me off-guard.

He finally let go of my arm so he can wrap both arms around me tightly. My arms snaked under his, my hands gripping fistfuls of Jacob's shirt. Finally, the only sound that remains is that of their breathing, shallow and uneven. After a few moments, he loosens his grip on me but didn't let me go completely. He was willing to sit there as long as I needed; he was waiting for me to get myself together. The second he let me go, I slid to the ground, and wrapped my arms around my knees, my back against the truck. I was still struggling to calm down; the air seems too thick, like syrup, and I couldn't seem to get enough oxygen. I felt light-headed.

I forced myself to breathe; I sat up, meeting his eyes briefly before I turned away. I looked down at my hands, which were scrapped and bruised. Then I pressed the back of my sleeves to my eyes to dry my tears and dropped my hands into my lap. Jacob shifted again so that he was leaning against the car, knees drawn up like mine. Our shoulders almost touching, reaching over, he covers my hand with his, letting it rest there gently. "Tell me what I can do to help you," he asks and his qustion through the fog in my head. His voice is comforting and memories of easy conversations fill my mind. He's like an earthbound sun, whenever I was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed me. It was natural, a part of who he was. My own personal sun.

"Jake", I said closing my eyes. "Don't leave me and Talk to me. That is all I want you to do. Just stay with me and talk." I said. Unsure if he heard me. He suddenly stood up "Let's go" he said leading me away from the house. we walked through the woods that were surrounding his house. It was not sure how long we walked but I knew my feet were glad when we stopped. "My mom found this place during a walk…" Jacob trailed off and moved out of the way so I could see.

I stared in amazement at the utter beauty of the area. It wasn't like the meadow, which was only filled with flowers; it was a lake, with a few rose bushes, and some apple trees. I noticed a little garden growing off to the side. "She used to bring me here all the time before she died" Jacob said. "It's beautiful," I told him. Jacob smirked. "You should see it in the spring time. There are fireflies all over the place," he told me.

"Fireflies?" I asked. Jacob nodded and headed over to the rose bushes. He handed me a rose and put it in my hair. "Thank you for this." I said quietly. Jacob shrugged. "Sure, sure," He said taking off his shoes, and sitting next to lake. I sat next to him finding a comfortable position.

"Okay", he whispered and I looked at him confused. Then he began to talk. He talked about how school was going, his hobbies, his likes, his dislikes, his hopes, his dreams. I leaned my head back letting his voice wash over me. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, I whimpered involuntarily. Looking down at my hand, he made a face and brushed his fingertips feather-lightly across hands. They were red and raw and the skin is broken on a couple of them, tiny pearls of blood peeking out from the cut.

"You're bleeding Bella." He said. I didn't look, didn't need to – I was very familiar with the sight of my own blood. "Sorry" I say trying to pull my hand back. Jacob held my hand in his grip refusing to let go. "Why are you apologizing for bleeding?" he asked. I didn't answer. Instead, I focused on him, watching as he studied my hands – the curve of his lips, the way his black hair shines, his dark brown eyes.

Jacob looked older than fifteen, older than me. Quil didn't have too much on him in the muscle department; for all that Jacob claimed to be a skeleton. The muscles were the long wiry kind, but they were definitely there under the smooth skin. His skin was such a pretty color, flawless dark russet skin, it made me jealous. Jacob ripped the sleeve off his shirt and dipped it in the lake. He began gently washing the wounds on my hand. "You know what Jacob," I say tiredly.

"What?" Jacob asked looking up from my bleeding palm. "You're sort of beautiful," I whispered as if I was telling him a secret. Jacob smiled and rolled his eyes. "Did you hit your head or something?" he asked. I don't say anything. I wished that I could stop time. "Do you remember the day we first met?' I asked him. Jacob laughed. "Yeah, I was 5 and you were 7. I threw mud at you." He said laughing.

"And then you jumped on me and started trying to make me eat mud" Jacob said. I smiled shaking my head "Our first meeting was awful but we turned out alright." I told him. who would have thought that I would come to like him this much? That Jacob Black would one day be my best friend. "The suns going down" Jacob said standing up. "Jacob, thank you for being in my life." I said. Jacob and I headed back toward the house and I heard the door open but did not look up.

"Bella?" I hear Charlie yell rushing over to us. "Dad?" I say confused and I vaguely wondered why he was there. "Billy called me and said that you were here and that something was wrong." Charlie said. I blocked out the rest of the conversation letting Jacob take over. "Let's go home Bella" Charlie says helping me to my feet. "Bye Jacob" I said. "Bye Bells", Jacob said and gave me a wave.

He was still standing there when we drove away. Charlie waited till we got home before he broached the subject. "What happened Bella?" he asked, I shrugged. "Look Bells, I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel or what you're going through, but I do care about you and I want to help you." He said. I looked away from him. "I know I brought this up before and you were against it but maybe you should get some help from a professional." He suggested. I shook my head fiercely.

"No" I stated firmly. "Please Bella" he begged. "You are important to me. Your life is important to me. Please let me find you a therapist. Someone who can help you." He said. I didn't want a therapist but looking into Charlie's tired, worried eyes I couldn't help but nod my head. Charlie hugged me and went to call someone. I silently slipped away to my room. I kept telling myself that I did the right thing.

It will make Charlie happy and how bad could therapy actually be? I decided to go to bed early without dinner. That night I dreamed I was being chased by a shadow. It reached out and dragged me down into the darkness. Then Jacob appears and I reach for him with all my strength and he reaches for me to. Then I grabbed his hand only instead of him pulling me out I drag him down with me. "Let me go Jacob!" I yelled trying to save him from drowning with me.

"I'll never leave you." Jacob said. "I told you that you couldn't save him, Bella" _his _voice whispers in my ear and we sink. I woke up and lay down on my bed, but I was shaking too hard to hope to go back to sleep. I curled into a cramped ball under my quilt, and faced the horrifying facts. Tremors rocked me until my teeth chattered. "You're wrong" i whispered angrily about the comment_ he_ made. great now i was talking to myself. Maybe I did need help.

* * *

**Author's note: okay i know this chapter is a little long and rush but please bare with me. this chapter is very important. it's the start of bella's healing. please pm and review your thoughts. constructive critism welcome. no flames please. and a special thanks to those who reviewed.**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not twilight or the songs on Bella's CD!**

**Chapter 4: therapy and music**

**"There are many ways of getting strong; sometimes talking is the best way." **

**― Andre Agassi, Open**

I woke early the next morning. I quickly showered, and made breakfast for Charlie. I left a note and snuck out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would want to talk about last night and to be honest I was not sure that I could handle it. I was debating where I should go. I did not want to go to school but I was a little too embarrassed to go visit Jacob. I felt the hole in my chest cringe at the thought of not seeing Jacob. I decided to head to La Push anyway.

I drove down to FirstBeach and parked in the empty dirty lot. It was still dark - the gloomy predawn of a cloudy day – and when I cut the headlights it was hard to see. I had to let my eyes adjust before I could find the path that led through the tall hedge of weeds. It was colder here, with the wind whipping off the black water, and shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket. At least it was not raining. I strolled down the beach toward the north seawall. I could not see or the other islands, just the vague shape of the water's edge. I made my way carefully across the rocks, watching out for driftwood that might trip me.

I found what I was looking for before I realized I was looking for it. It materialized out of the gloom when it was just a few feet away: a long bone- white driftwood tree stranded deep on the rocks. The roots twisted up at the seaward end, like a hundred tentacles.

I could not be sure that it was the same tree where Jacob and I had our first conversation, a conversation that had begun so many different threads of my life, but it seemed to be the same place. I sat down where I had sat once before, and stared out across the invisible sea. I started skipping rocks across the water. I thought about all my problems. I thought about what Charlie said about me needing help. I thought about therapy. I did not know what I would tell them. I wished that I could talk to Jacob about this but I did not want to keep burdening him with my problems.

I must have been sitting there for hours just thinking. I closed my eyes and tried to think about something else but all I could think about was seeing Jacob. It almost felt like he was sitting next to me. "Hi, Bella" Jacob voice came from the darkness and made me jump so hard I fell. "Sorry Bella. I didn't mean to scare you." Jacob said while helping me to my feet. "What are you doing here?" I asked. Jacob rubbed the back of his neck looking embarrassed. "I had a half a day in school today and was looking for you." He said.

"Why?' I asked. "Charlie called the house looking for you. He said you skipped school and disappeared. He sounded worried." Jacob said. I was confused. "I left Charlie a note so there should have been no reason for him to worry." I told Jacob. Jacob looked at the ground. "The last time you left Charlie a note you went missing." Jacob said and I had flashback of Charlie holding a crumble sheet of paper in his hands. "Oh" I said unable to think of anything.

Jacob looked at me and sighed. "Charlie's at the house waiting for us." He said. "We should probably head back then" I said. When we got to Jacob's house, Charlie was waiting outside. "Hey" I said. Charlie stared at me for a second before pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back hesitantly.

"I was worried about you kiddo." Charlie told. "I'm sorry," I said guiltily. "It's alright" He said and released me from his desperate hug. I really needed to stop worrying Charlie. "I made you an appointment with the therapist later on today at 4:00." Charlie said. I frowned. "Bella, I know you don't think that you need a therapist but I-" Charlie started but I cut him off.

"No, I'll go." I told him. Charlie smiled and gave me a pat on the shoulder before heading inside. I was waiting for Jacob to comment on the fact that I was seeing a therapist. "Hey, I made you something." Jacob said suddenly. "What?" I asked surprised. Jacob ran into the house and came back out hold a black CD case and a Yellow CD case. "It's a mixed CD," Jacob said. I opened my mouth to refuse the gift but Jacob interrupted me.

"I know you don't like music Bella, but I think you will like this." Jacob said and I was shocked. I had not told Jacob that I did not like music. "Okay" I said once I saw the pleading look on Jacob's face. Jacob smiled. "Great, listen to one song every night from the black case before you go to bed. Listen to the Yellow one when you wake up in the morning, or in the car" Jacob said and I just stared at him. Jacob laughed, "I overheard Charlie tell my dad that you've been having trouble sleeping so I thought this would help". Jacob said. I was touched. "Thank you Jake." I said.

Charlie and I hung out in La Push until it was time for Charlie to take me to my appointment. "Bye Jake" I said. Jacob hugged me "Bye Bella" he said. I said goodbye to Billy and then we left. We dropped my truck off at the house and rode in Charlie's police cruiser. I tried not to fidget on the car ride to the therapist. The office was in Port Angles. The place was called "SerenityGardens".

We sat in the lobby waiting for the doctor to finish with their other patient. When the secretary called me to go next Charlie told me that he would wait for me but I shook my head. "This is a two hour session. You go get some lunch." I said patting his arm "I'll be fine", I faked a reassuring smile. I was not sure that I could handle it. I walked into the office expecting to see a man in a white button shirt, slacks, with glasses and a goatee. Instead, there was a woman sitting at her desk waiting for me. She was tall, slim, and dressed in a pale blue dress and a white lab coat. She stood up and shook my hand with a smile. I took in her light blond hair and her pale gray eyes.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Silverman but you may call me Ann." The doctor said. "Hi" I said taking a seat. "So Bella tell me, what brings you here?" Ann asked. "My dad brought me here," I said. Ann nodded "Okay, do you know why your dad bought you here?" she asked. I nodded, hoping she would not ask me to talk about it. "That's good," Ann, said pulling out a note pad.

"It says here that you suffered a break down yesterday." She commented. "Yes" I said. I guess you could call it a break down. "Can you tell me what happened?" she asked. I said nothing. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." Ann said. "I don't know what happened. I just snapped." I blurted out.

Ann wrote something down "what were you doing when you snapped?" She asked. I flinched "I was looking at a house". I said cringing. Ann looked curious "Who's house were you looking at?" she asked. I looked at my feet. "Do you not want to tell me?" she asked. I shook my head

"It's not that" I mumbled.

Ann gave me a sympathetic look. "Why did looking at the house make you upset?" she asked once she realized I was not going to answer. "Because it was exactly the same only different," I said trying to make an effort. Ann wrote something else down. "What was different about it?" she asked. "They weren't there," I whispered. "Who wasn't there?' she asked.

I could not even think their names without it hurting. My body shook from the pain of the wound in my chest. "The Cull-" I tried to say it but I could not get the whole name out. "The Cullens" she said and I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach to keep myself from falling to pieces. I nodded. "What happened after you left the house?' she asked. " I drove to my best friend's house." I said felling the pain numb itself slightly at the thought of Jacob.

"Who is your friend?" she asked. "Jacob Black "I said with a small smile. Ann smiled too "Tell me about him", she said. "He's my best friend; our dads are best buddies so we hung out when we were little. He was with me during my darkest time." I said thinking about my break down. "He always knows exactly what to say, he has a great smile. He's like the sun only brighter." I said. "He sounds like a great friend." She said.

I nodded "He is" I said. "So, you and Jacob are close?" Ann asked putting an emphasis on close. I tilted my head confused. "What?" I asked. "Never mind, listen Bella, your father told me what happened between you and Ed-" I gasped and she change her words, "You and your Ex." She said. I did not want to talk about this. "I know that have a relationship end can be very painful. However, from what I hear it is more than that. Can you tell me what's wrong?" she asked.

I opened and closed my mouth unable to think. "I that this is hard for you but I think together we can make progress and help you to move on with your life." Ann said firmly. The room faded from my sight as tears blurred my vision. She wanted me to move on. No one seemed to understand. I did not have a life without him. When he left me, he left me hollow and alone. My mind refused to focus, and the hole in my chest burst open. I was reduced to a crumbling mess in my mind. "Bella are you alright?" Ann asked standing up and coming over to check on me.

I said nothing; my head shook back and forth. I placed my hands tightly over my ears. I wanted to leave. I could not control my breathing. This had been a terrible idea. I did not want to face this. I was breathing in fast.

"I know you are scared Bella. I understand honestly but you need to calm down." She said. I tried but I could not. "Bella you are having an anxiety attack. Okay, listen to how I am breathing and calm down. Breathe in and out. Take a slow breath in and another slow one out." She instructed and my breathing evened out. "There all better." She said patting my arm. I stared at her as if she was insane. "Listen Bella, I think your problem is that you try to block your feelings instead of dealing with them. I want you to try to allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear, and pain that you keep avoiding." I tried to protest. I wanted to tell her how other than the pain I had nothing inside or out. I opened my mouth but she held up a hand singling me to be quiet.

"Because if you keep bottling those feelings up they eventually pour out and you end up having a break down like the one you had yesterday or the one you just had in my office." She said. I shook my head. "It hurts too much." I whispered. The doctor put her hand over mine. "Trust me Bella, it doesn't hurt forever." She said. I nodded. "Okay." I said. Ann smiled happily.

"Good, now let's talk about something less painful." She suggested. "Tell me more about your friend Jacob." She said. I took a deep breath and began to talk. When it came to Jacob, I did not need to worry about what I said because not even one of my memories of Jacob was painful. I told her about meeting Jacob when I was seven and some of the crazy stuff we got into when I was younger. I talked about meeting Jacob again when I came back to forks, going to the movies, and every little detail I could think of. By the time I finished my session was over.

Charlie was waiting for me when I opened the door. "You ready Bells?" He asked. I nodded and smiled. I felt lighter after talking about Jacob. "Can I speak with you alone for a minute Mr. Swan?" Ann said coming to the door. Charlie looked confused. "Sure" he said.

They went inside and closed the door. I wondered what they were saying about me. I debated for a few minutes then pressed my ear hard against the door and listened silently. I missed most of the conversation. "I don't know what to do. She seems to be getting better. I can see it. Then other times she looks like she is dying and I feel like a failure as a father." Charlie said and I felt guilty. I had not really thought about how my zombie moments affected Charlie. "The only one who can make her happy when she gets like that is Jacob. I just worry that she is relying too much on Jacob. He is just a kid, only fifteen. I do not understand why she does not lean on me. I'm her father." He said.

"Look Bella has been through a lot. You and her mother got a divorce when she was younger. She barely got a chance to spend time with you. Her mother remarried and she decided to move back to Forks. This based on what you told me, she hated. Then she falls in love with this person, who she thinks is perfect, and builds her life around him." Ann said. I frowned. Is that what I did? "Then out of the blue he just ups and leaves her, in the woods. Bella's emotions have always been sensitive. Maybe with time she will find a way to cope with her pain besides denial and Jacob." Ann told him. "But what if she doesn't?' Charlie asked. "What if she stays broken?" he asked fearfully. "You can't think like that. She need's time to heal. She needs time to sort herself out. You will see. She will get better soon. She just needs to connect with more people." Ann said.

I heard them coming toward the door. I quickly ran to the lobby and sat down. Picking up a car magazine, I pretended to read. "Come on Bella." Charlie said and I stood up. "Bye Bella" Ann said waving. I waved back. When we got in the car, Charlie was silent.

I did not want to think anymore. I wanted a distraction. I reached in my jacket pocket and saw the yellow CD Jacob made me. "Bella, I've been thinking. How would you like to go fishing with me next week? Just the two of us." He blurted out. I was going to refuse when I finally looked at Charlie. I saw the hope in his eyes, the worry lines on his face, the gray hairs that he had not had before. I was causing Charlie unnecessary pain. "Okay Dad." I said.

Charlie smiled. "Great." He said. I nodded then grabbed the CD Jacob made me. "What's that?" Charlie asked. "Jacob made me a CD." I told him popping it into the stereo. "Hey Bells!" Jacob's cheerful voice rang out through the car. "I'm glad you're listening to this CD. The first song is just to put a smile on your face. Enjoy!" he said. Then an upbeat song came on.

I wanna rock right now

I wanna, I wanna rock right now

I wanna, I wanna rock right now, now, now

Rock right now

I instantly bust out laughing. This was Jacob's idea of happy music. I looked at Charlie and was surprised to see him bobbing his head. I giggled.

I wanna, I wanna rock right now

I wanna, I wanna rock right now

I wanna, I wanna rock right now

I wanna dance, I wanna dance in the light

I wanna rock, I wanna rock your body

I wanna go, I wanna go for a ride

Hop in the music and rock your body right

Charlie apparently knew all the words. I decided to go with it. I started bobbing my head to the music with Charlie.

Rock that body, come on, come on

Rock that body, rock your body

Rock that body, come on, come on

Rock that body

The rest of the car ride Charlie and I sung danced, and bobbed are heads with the music. It was fun. I had barely been in the house for a minute before the phone rang in the kitchen. I answered thinking it was Jacob. "Hey Bella," Angela said. I stared at the phone in shock. "Hi Angela" I said slowly.

"I was worried. You weren't in school today." She said concerned. "I over slept" I lied. "Oh, well do you want to go shopping with me?" she asked. I felt uncertain. I did not want to spend all day shopping. I remembered what Ann said about me connecting more. "Okay, but can I bring a friend." I asked nervously. "That would be great." Angela said.

I sighed in relief. "Want me to pick you guys up?" Angela suggested. "My friend lives in La Push." I said. "No worries, I don't mind picking him up." She said. "How did you know my friend was a He?" I asked confused. "You mentioned your friend Jacob yesterday at lunch." She said. "Okay, well I'll see you." I said and hung up.

I called Jacob. He answered on the first ring. "Hey Bella, how did it go?" Jacob asked. I thought about it. "It wasn't as bad as I expected," I said honestly. "Okay, so you want to come hang out?" Jacob asked. "No, I have plans with Angela." I said.

"Oh" Jacob said sadly. "You want to come shopping with us?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure!" he said excited.

"Great, she said we would pick you up." I said. "Okay, I'll go tell my dad." Jacob said and hung up. I wondered just what I was getting myself into. I went to tell Charlie about my plans. I knew he would be happy.

* * *

**Author's note: okay so bella's finally getting the help she needs. i always suspected she was a little off. (anyone who would pick edward over jacob has got to be insane) no offese to team edward. also all the Songs on the yellow Cd are just songs to make bella smile. if you have a song request or an idea for a song don't be shy. the black Cd is the personal one. please make sure you review or Pm your thoughts. it makes me happy when you do! thanks to those who reviewed for the last chapter.**

**GlassHeart1993**

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 5: shopping with the angel, the bitch, oh and Jacob too**

**_Behind every bitch is a man who made her that way_**

**_unknown_**

* * *

I was not sure I had made the right choice when Angela pulled up in her mother's Hyundai Sonata. I grabbed my purse, along with the thirty dollars Charlie gave me, and ran out the door. "Hey Bella," Angela exclaimed. "Hey Angela," I said. I got in the passenger's seat. She was playing some cheesy love music.

I smiled and tried to tune it out. When we got to Jacob's house, he was waiting outside. He had on a black leather jacket, a tight, sleeveless, gray shirt that had a picture of a black car on it, and a pair of black jeans. He cleaned up nicely.

"That's your friend?" Angela asked. I nodded. "Hey Bella," Jacob said running to the car. "Hey Jake," I said then noticed someone behind him. It was Leah Clearwater. "What's Leah doing here?" I asked. Jacob let out a sigh.

"Harry asked if she could go with us to the mall." Jacob whispered. "Why?" I asked. "He wants her to get out of the house." Jacob said. I turned to Angela. "It's okay with me." Angela said. "Cool." Jacob said getting in the back seat. "Whatever" Leah said getting in beside him.

Leah scooted as far away from him as she could and crossed her arms. "Thanks for the CD Jacob" I said. Jacob smiled "Glad you like it!" he said. I decide to let Angela listen to the radio. Now that Jacob was here, the music did not bother me. The three of us all talked until we reached the mall. We tried to engage Leah but she just ignored us.

"So what do you want to do first?" I asked Angela. "Let's check out the boutique." She said. The shop was not very big or crowded. They sold men's clothes to so that was good for Jacob. "How do I look?' Angela asked. She came out wearing a cute red dress.

"I like it." I told her. "You look good." Jacob said. Leah just rolled her eyes. "Morons" she muttered. Jacob glared at her. "Shut up Leah," he ordered. Leah glared back at him.

"No, you shut up. You're not the boss of me." Leah growled. I decided to intervene before someone got hurt. "Come on Jacob. Help me find an outfit." Jacob continued glaring at Leah. It was time for drastic measures. "I'll let you pick out the next outfit I try on." I said. Jacob's head snapped towards me so fast that i was surprised it did not fall off.

"Any outfit" Jacob asked. I nodded hesitantly. "Okay", Jacob grabbed my hand and began leading me away. I looked back and saw Angela talking to Leah. I hope Leah was not too much of a bitch towards her. Angela was one of the nicest people I knew. Jacob started looking through the racks.

I expected Jacob to pick out some skimpy outfit, that would make me uncomfortable to look at, much less wear. Instead, he turned around with a red top and a short blue jean skirt. "This would look great on you," Jacob said handing it to me. "Y-you think so? " I asked nervously. I did not really think I looked good in skirts. "Of course" Jacob said. "Anything would look good on you." He said.

I smiled and went to the fitting room. The outfit was actually comfortable. I came out of the fitting room slowly. "How do I look?" I asked. Angela smiled "You look pretty." She said. Leah looked me over and gave a nod of approval. I looked at Jacob who was just staring at me.

"What do you think?" I asked. "You look beautiful." Jacob said. I smiled and decided to buy it. I looked at Leah who was just sitting there glaring at the ground. "You should pick something out to." I suggested. Leah gave me a blank look. "Seriously, you should get something." I said.

Jacob looked at me then at Leah. He walked off leaving me alone with her. Jacob came back with a dark brown almost black dress and through it at Leah. "Here, Leah." He said then gestured toward the fitting room. Leah got up and punched Jacob in the face. She threw the dress on the ground and stormed off. "I don't need your help finding clothes Black!" she said angrily.

Angela looked in the direction Leah went puzzled. "Why is she so angry all the time?" I asked Jacob. Jacob sighed and motioned for me to come closer. "Leah wasn't always such a bitch. She used to be really nice." Jacob whispered in my ear. "What happened?" I asked. Jacob sighed. "You remember Sam?" he asked.

I nodded. How could I forget about Sam, the gang leader, who kept looking at Jacob funny? "Well, Sam and Leah were high school sweet hearts. They started dating when Leah was a freshman. Anyway, before you came to Forks Sam went missing for two weeks. No one knew where he was. Sam's mother and Leah had the forest rangers searching for him and the police. People thought there had been an accident or something." Jacob said. "Where was he?" I asked. Jacob shrugged. "He wouldn't tell anyone. Rumors flew that he was up to no go, mostly. Sam and Leah were still together after that though. Then he started disappearing at night. Leah was furious that he would not tell her where he had been or where he went at night. Why he was so exhausted after he came back home, but they were working it out. They were trying and I thought they really loved each other." Jacob broke off. I looked at him expectantly.

"What happened?" I asked. "Leah's cousin, Emily Young, came down from the Makkah reservation to visit her one weekend. Emily is Leah's second cousin. They were close, though. Almost like sisters. Once Sam saw Emily it was love at first sight for him. After that, he dumped Leah and pursued Emily relentlessly. He broke Leah's heart. He went back on every promise he'd ever made to her." Jacob looked angry. I was angry too. Poor Leah, Sam was a jerk, who could ever do something so cruel. I saw a flash of Edward's cold face when he left me in the woods. I felt a sharp pain. I grabbed Jacob's hand and the pain numbed a little.

"How did Emily take it?" I asked. Jacob squeezed my hand. "She was real angry, in the beginning. However, eventually she gave in. a few weeks later she was mauled by a bear. Sam rarely left her side after that. They were engaged a month later. Now Leah has to put on a brave face. She is going to be a bridesmaid next spring." Jacob said. I was practically shaking with anger. I guess it was karma. She stole her cousin man so she is mauled by a bear. "Come on Jake. Let's go find Leah." I said determined.

I picked up the dress that Leah threw down and told Angela where we were going. Angela decided to come with us. We found Leah sitting on a bench in the shoe section. She was not trying on shoes though. She was staring at her phone with a wistful look on her face. "There you are Leah." I said and Leah dropped her phone in surprise. I picked it up.

Leah snatched it out my hand but no before I saw her screen saver. It was a picture of Sam and Leah smiling and walking happily hand in hand on the beach. I felt sad for her. I was also a little envious. He took all our pictures with him when he left. I shook those thoughts away. "Here Leah, I really think this dress would look good on you." I told her.

She looked at me suspiciously. "Whatever," she said grabbing the dress and going in the fitting room. When she came back, I gasped. She was stunning. I knew that I could never pull of something like that but on Leah, it looked good. The dress was strap-less and it stopped at her knees.

"You look gorgeous!" Angela said. "You look amazing." I said. Jacob gave her the thumbs up. Leah scoffed but I think I saw her blushing. I looked at Jacob who did not have anything in his hands.

"Aren't you going to get something?" I asked. Jacob shook his head. "I did not see anything I wanted." Jacob said then smirked. "But I found a bunch of outfits for you." Jacob said suggestively. I thought about the last outfit he picked out for me. "Bring them, I'll try them on." I said heading into the fitting room. Shopping with Jacob was nothing like with Alice.

I did not feel like a life-sized doll. I felt almost beautiful. We had a lot more fun after that. Leah and Angela really hit it off. She even warmed up to me a little. We all decide to get something to eat at the food court before we left. Jacob decided to be good man and bought us each a slice of pizza and a soda. We thanked him and all talked easily.

We made plans to hang out again afterwards. "I want ice-cream." Angela said. Leah and Jacob nodded. I did not really want ice cream but I tagged along any way. Angela got a strawberry ice cream with sprinkles. Leah got rocky road ice cream with nuts. Jacob got a double fudge banana split with nuts, sprinkles, and caramel sauce.

He handed me a cherry cola float. I shook my head. "I'm not hungry." I said. Jacob frowned then looked at his banana split. He took a spoonful and held it out to me. "Say AAH!" Jacob said. I kept my mouth closed.

Jacob moved the spoon closer. "AAH." He said again. I sighed and opened my mouth. "It's delicious!" I said amazed. Jacob smiled and took a spoonful for himself. He pointed toward my cherry float. I took a sip and smiled.

"Thank you." I said. I drank my float while Jacob ate his ice cream. Every occasionally Jacob would spoon-feed me some of his ice cream. We even split the banana. As we were leaving, I saw a hairdresser and remembered what I had wanted to ask Jacob. "Hey Jake, do you think I should change my hair style?" I asked.

Jacob looked at me and frowned. "Why?" he asked and I shrugged. "I was thinking of trying something different." I said. Jacob nodded. "Okay." He said. I told Angela and Leah what I was doing then went into the shop. "What style would you like?" the hairdresser asked. I looked at Jacob who was waving at me through the window.

"Something edgier" I said. The hairdresser smiled. "I got it.," she said. I left the shop with shoulder-length layers that stacked on the ends, to create subtle volume at the sides, with a deep side part. Jacob was speechless. "Does it look bad?" I asked. "Damn Swan, you look good." Leah said.

"You look totally different." Angela said. I looked toward Jacob. "You look hot!" Jacob exclaimed then blushed. I blushed to. "Thanks" I said to all of them. Jacob grabbed my hand while we were walking to the car. "Well if it isn't Bella and her little fan club." I heard someone say from behind us.

I turned and saw Lauren, Jessica, and some people I did not know staring at us. "Having fun?" she asked gesturing to my hand, which Jacob was still holding. "You bounce back pretty quickly." Jessica said with a smirk. "Weren't you still in love with Edward last week?" she asked and I felt my heart rip itself out of my chest. "You make me sick!" Lauren said with a sneer. "You acted like you were so torn up about Cullen for attention. Didn't you?" Jessica said. "You're nothing but a slut with a bad hairdo. No wonder Edward left you!" Lauren said.

I was devastated. I wrapped my arms around myself and began to cry. "You bitch!" Jacob said angrily stepping forward. "I have a policy against hitting women but for you I just might make an exception!" Jacob said cracking his knuckles. The boys who were with Lauren and Jessica stepped forward, to defend them. "Like we would let that happen." The one on the right said. "Come on, you look like a weakling anyway." The one on the left said.

They rushed toward Jacob. "I wouldn't do that." I heard Leah mutter from behind me. I had my hands over my eyes so I did not see what happened. I just heard the sounds of a struggle, then the sound of something hitting the ground. I looked up and saw Jacob punching the last one in the throat. Then Jacob kicked them again when they fell. He turned toward Lauren and Jessica, who were shaking in fear, and shook his bloody, bruised knuckles at them.

"You better not bother Bella again or I will come for you next. I don't care whether you are girls or not." Jacob threatened. "And Bella is not a slut! She is the best girl in the world." Jacob said and I felt my heart flutter. Lauren stopped shaking and smirked. "Why do you want her? She just uses men like tissue then dumps them. Wouldn't you rather have someone prettier than that loser?" Lauren asked suggestively. Jacob looked disgusted. Leah stepped forward. "That's it!" she said taking off her earrings and handing them to Angela.

"I'm going to shut you up once and for all!" Leah said. Lauren frowned and Jessica took a step back. Jacob walked over to me and put his jacket on my shoulders while I watched Leah beat the crap out of Lauren and Jessica. I never knew a girl could be that brutal. After Leah finished she walked over to me. "You're not so bad Swan. Those bitches had it coming!" she said. "This isn't over Bella!" I heard Lauren shout.

Leah glared at her. Jessica and Lauren limped away fearfully. Jacob led me to the car. The two of us sat in the back seat. Jacob wrapped his arm around me in the car. "Hey Jacob," I whispered. "Hmm" Jacob said.

"I'm sorry you had to get involved in all that." I said guiltily. "Don't be silly Bella! They were just a bunch of jealous liars. I know you, better than anyone right? "Jacob asked. I nodded. "Don't worry. I will always be here watching over you!" Jacob said. "Thank you for coming to my rescue" I said to both Jacob and Leah. Angela dropped Jacob and Leah off then drove me home. "I'm sorry Bella!" Angela suddenly blurted out. I looked at her confused.

"Why?" I asked. Angela turned away from me, and looked down at her hands, which were gripping the steering wheel tightly. "I just froze and I couldn't do anything to help you." Angela said. I placed my hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Angela." I said quietly. "I'm glad you didn't fight." I told her. I smiled at her and said goodbye before going in the house.

Charlie was asleep on the conch when I got home. I woke him up and made him go upstairs. He was so tired that he did not even notice my new hairstyle. I went to bed extremely tired after the events of the day. I lay down in my bed and stared at the ceiling. The words Lauren and Jessica said echoing in my head. I hated them.

I hated everyone. I hated the world. I hated Edwa- I felt the hole in my chest burst. I collapsed holding my chest gasping like a fish out of water. I cried bitterly. I could never hate him. I still loved him. I loved him from the bottom of my wounded, bleeding heart! "How could you just leave me here? What am I supposed to do now?" I whispered angrily at nothing. I was completely alone. I scrambled of the bed to my Stereo. I put the black CD in hoping for something to ease my pain. "Hey Bella, it's me Jacob" jacob was whispering softly. "It's time for bed." I lay down and closed my eyes listening to Jacob's voice. The music started playing.

**_When the road gets dark_**

**_ And you can no longer see_**

**_ Let my love throw a spark_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

The singer's voice was amazing. It also felt familiar. His voice was soft and deep. I could feel the emotions he had running through him when he sang. It all felt deeply personal. As if, I was intruding on something private.

**_And when the tears you cry_**

**_ Are all you can believe_**

**_ Give these loving arms a try baby_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_When your secret heart_**

**_ Cannot speak so easily_**

**_ From a whisper start_**

**_ To have a little faith in me_**

**_And when your back's against the wall_**

**_ Just turn around and you will see_**

**_ I will catch your fall_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

**_ Have a little faith in me_**

I felt my eyes drop and I fell into a deep sleep. That night I dreamed Jacob and I were riding on top of a giant russet wolf. We were both smiling and laughing going to a better place/ in the distance, I could swear I heard Edward's voice in the wind saying. "You won't get away" I urged the wolf faster and just went we made it to the clearing Jacob disappeared. I looked around and saw Sam Uley standing there staring at me with cold hard eyes. The wolf dropped me of its back and went to crouch near Sam's feet.

"You can't have him Bella." Sam said patting the wolf's head. "Jacob belongs to me." He growled. "No!" I shouted running toward him. A cold hand wrapped itself around my wrist. "Think only of me Bella!" Edward yelled. I struggled against him trying to find jacob. "Jacob where are you!" I yelled.

I saw Jacob crouched on his knees in place of the wolf. He was looking up at Sam as if Sam was his savior. Sam leaned down and whispered something in his ear. Jacob nodded and rose to his feet following Sam into the trees. "Jacob, please come back!" Edward continued holding me tightly. "I won't let you go Bella!" Edward yelled.

"Sam!" I heard, I looked, and saw Leah running after them. Sam turned to face her. They stood there staring at each other. I cried out for Leah to help me. Sam held out his hand toward Leah. I was screaming, begging, at the top of my lungs. Sam and Leah ran off into the forest with Jacob leaving me behind. I continued to struggle.

"What are you doing?" I heard to my left. I looked and saw Jacob, in the same outfit he wore to the mall, standing there staring at me with an eyebrow rose. "Jacob, please help me." I shouted. Jacob looked puzzled. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Edward won't let go of me!" I yelled struggling. Edward only gripped me tighter and growled.

"There is no one there Bella," Jacob said. I continued fighting. "He won't let go of me." I said again. Jacob put one hand over my chest where my heart was beating frantically and the other over my mouth. "Shh," he whimpered. I stopped struggling. "Relax, Bella…I'm going to take you away from here…some place far away." He said then took his hand off my mouth.

"Just take my hand Bella," he said calmly. "I can't. Edward is holding me too tight." I said. Jacob just continued holding his hand out for me to take. "There is no one there Bella. Stop fighting and take my hand. Have a little faith in me." Jacob said. I felt myself calm at his words and Edward's grip loosened. I reached out and took hold of his hand. Edward disappeared instantly. Jacob and I held on to each other as a strong wind came over us.

When I opened my eyes and found myself at the lake with Jacob. "This is our world now Bella." Jacob said and he pressed his lips against mine. I kissed him back and held his shoulders pulling him closer. Suddenly my eyes popped open and I realized that I was awake. I pressed my fingers to my lips. I could still feel Jacob's warmth. I could not believe it had been a dream.

Not even Edwa-I gasped in pain. Every cell of my body seemed to be jerking in pain. Sickness and disgust ran through me. I had betrayed him! I had betrayed our love. The words that Lauren and Jessica said echoed through my mind.

_You bounce back quickly._

_Weren't you still in love with Edward last week!_

I covered my ears trying to block out my thoughts. I felt like a horrible person. I looked at my alarm clock beside me. It was only 3:00am. That was too early to go anywhere. I needed to get out of here. I stood up and walked out of my room.

I walked across the hall and knocked before I could change my mind. I heard the sound of Charlie shifting. "Come on in, Bella" he said. I darted into his room. He was sitting up in bed, wiping his eyes and yawning. "What's up Bells?" He asked. He glanced at his alarm clock but did not comment on the time.

I looked down at the floor nervously. "Can I sleep in here?" I asked. I waited for him to tell me I was too old for that, as Rene did when I turned eight. "Sure, Bella" He said and held up the covers. I climbed into bed and cuddled beneath his arm. Just like I used to do, when I was a little girl, and I was hiding from the monsters in my closet. "Goodnight, Bells," he said closing his eyes and falling back to sleep instantly. "Goodnight, Dad" I muttered, sleeping into a deep dreamless sleep.

* * *

**author's note: so Bella is finally relying a little bit on Charlie. what did you think of the song and of Bella's dream? thank you all for reading my story. please make sure you PM or review your thoughts and suggestions. thanks to those who reviewed. you guys rock.**

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	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs!**

**Chapter 6: Happy sixteenth birthday Jake**

**"Take me to Happy Birthday Land. Its open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it's closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday. "**

**― Jarod Kintz, at even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading**

* * *

It had been a week since I had that dream of Jacob and me kissing. Things had been awkward between us since. Jacob did not understand why I was being weird. I realized how stupid was being. A dream kiss did not mean anything important. It was just a dream. After I realize that, it became easier to hang around Jacob again. Soon I decided to forget about the kiss because Jacob was my best friend and it was wrong of me to be weird around him because of something I had dreamed.

I was so distracted by trying to forget it that forgot to keep track of the days. So I was surprised by the date when Charlie brought it up during breakfast. "You know Jacob's birthday is next week right?" Charlie asked. I froze and stared at him in shock. Charlie raised an eyebrow. "You forgot?" he asked surprised.

I nodded. "Well, I feel like a schmuck", I mumbled. Charlie sighed and got up, downing his coffee, and headed for the door. "Don't feel bad. You've got week to get him something." Charlie said. After he was gone I stood there for a while trying to think of the perfect present for Jacob. He was my best friend and he deserved the best gift ever. I could not think of anything that would be good enough for Jacob but I knew two people who could.

I headed to the phone and dialed HarryClearwater's phone number. "Hey Charlie" Harry said. "No, it's Bella" I said. "Bella?" I knew why Harry was shocked. I never called him. "Hey…um…do you happen to have Quill and Embry's phone number." I asked. "Sure" Harry said.

After he gave me their phone numbers, I decided to call Embry first. "Hello?" he said. "Hey Embry this is Bella" I said. "Oh", Embry said and I could hear him mumble something that sounded copiously like "Jacob is not going to like this" after he got back on the phone I asked him what he thought I should get Jacob for his birthday. "Um…I don't know…how about you make him dinner?" Embry said. I shook my head even though I knew he could not see it.

"I do that almost every night," I said. Embry got quiet. "Maybe you could buy him a part for the rabbit?" Embry suggested. "Maybe" I said. We hung up soon after that and I called Quill. "You should throw him a party!" Quill said. I shuddered.

The last party I had been too ended with me getting stitches. "I'll think about it," I said. I hung up and thought about what quill had said. Throwing Jacob a party did seem like something he would like. I broached the subject with him later while we were working on are homework together in the living room "Jacob how do you feel about parties?" I asked. Jacob looked up from his math homework and shrugged.

"There nice as long as the person throwing them knows what they are doing" Jacob said. I did not know the first thing about throwing a birthday party for a sixteen-year-old boy. I was not about to give up though. I made a few phone calls and made arrangements. If I was going to throw a party then I was going to do it right. I talked to Billy about it and he agreed to help. Soon I had Sue Clearwater, Harry, Charlie, Seth, Quill, Embry, and surprisingly Leah. When I asked her about it, she shrugged and said that she had nothing better to do.

Sue and Leah did the cooking. Billy found the place. Charlie got the decorations. Embry and Angela invited the guest. Quill and Seth picked out the music and got the entertainment. I only had one task. I was supposed to distract the birthday boy.

The day before his birthday, I was driving down the north lane of Russell Avenue when I noticed something sitting in the yard of the Marks's house. It was just a big piece of cardboard leaning against their mailbox post, with black letters scrawled in caps across it. Was it a coincidence? Or was it meant to be? I did not know, but it seemed somewhat silly to think it was somehow fated, that the two shiny new motorcycles sitting in the Marks's front yard beside the hand printed FOR SALE; sign were serving some higher purpose by existing there, right where I needed them to be.

One of those bikes would be the perfect present for Jacob. I pulled over quickly in front. I ran to the Marks's front door and rang the bell. One of the Marks boys opened the door, the younger one, the freshman. His sandy hair only came up to my shoulder. He had no trouble remembering my name. "Bella Swan?" he asked in surprise.

"How much do you want for the bikes?" I asked, jerking my thumb over my shoulder toward the sales display. "Are you serious?" he demanded staring at me as if I had lost my mind. "Of course I am." I said. He thought about it for a minute. "Forty bucks" he said holding out his hand. I reached in my wallet pulling out my checkbook. "I was just kidding." He said surprised I was willing to pay.

"If you really want one, just take it. My mom made my dad move them down the road so they would be picked up with the garbage. She thinks motorcycles are reckless and stupid." He said. I nodded in understanding. Charlie always said the same thing. "Okay" I said. He stepped out on the porch. "Want me to help you?" he offered. "They are not light." He warned.

"Okay, thanks. I only need one, though." I told him. The boy shrugged. "Might as well take both," the boy said. He followed me and helped me load both of the heavy bikes into the back of my truck. "What are you going to do with them anyway?" he asked. I smiled. "Tomorrows my friend's birthday so I thought I would surprise him." I said.

He waved as I pulled away. I left and he was still smiling and waving. I guess he was a friendly kid. I drove quickly and purposefully now, in a hurry to get home before there was the slightest chance of Charlie. I hid the bikes in the shed and started making dinner. I felt good knowing that I had got Jacob an awesome present. I made baked potatoes with broccoli and cheese and chicken thighs with olives and tomatoes.

It hit me after I finished making dinner something else I could do for Jacob's birthday. I started making a small personal cake for Jacob. He was always going on and on about how much he loved my cooking. It seemed wrong if I did not cook anything for his birthday. After I finished the cake, I put it up and served Charlie dinner. I woke up extra early the next morning I drove over to Jacob's place.

I stopped at a bakery on the way and picked up a bag of cinnamon rolls and bagels. Billy had given me a key to the house so I snuck in and sat the bag of food next to Jacob. I shook him awake and laughed when he jumped out of bed. "Happy birthday!" I said handing him the bag. "What are you doing here?" he asked. I pouted. "So you're not happy to see me?" I asked pretending to leave.

Jacob grabbed my arm. "Wait, thanks for the food," he said. "You're welcome," I said. I Jacob smiled and ate one then handed me a cinnamon roll. After he ate, Jacob took showed and changed clothes. While he did that, I decided to straighten up. After I picked up Jacob's dirty clothes and put them in the washing machine Jake came out of the bathroom freshly showered and dressed in black jeans and a dark blue T-shirt.

"So birthday boy, want to go see a movie with me?" I asked. Jacob nodded. "Okay." He said and because it was his birthday, I let him drive. When we got to the movies, we decided to see an action movie. I brought popcorn and we enjoyed the movie. There was a bit of romance between the hero and the bad man's daughter but Jacob distracted me during those parts. After the movie, we went to the park and made up stories about the other people there.

"See that old couple sitting over "Jacob said. I looked to where he was pointing and noticed an old man giving a flower to an old woman. I nodded. "Well, the old man has been in love with that woman for forty years and she didn't know it. So he decided to tell her how he felt and it turned out that she loved him too." Jacob said. I looked at the happy couple and I could picture what he was saying. "So now every year on the anniversary of the day he confessed he takes her to the park and confesses all over again." He said. I looked at him and found him watching me with this look of pure affection that made me nervous.

"Jake?" I asked trying to snap him out of it. I was surprised that it worked. "Yes Bella" he said. I shook my head. "Never mind," I said standing up. It was almost time for the party so I had to get Jacob to the beach. "Let's go," I said.

We joked about the movie during the drive to the party. I could not wait to see the look on his face when we got there. Jacob was curious as to why I was in such a hurry to get to the beach but I managed to keep my mouth shut. I was not going to have the surprised ruined because I could not lie to save my life. Once they got there, I pulled out a blindfold. "What's that for?" Jacob asked confused. I ignored his question and waited until he got out of the truck to blindfold him.

Quickly before Jacob could ask questions, I dragged him over to the party. The others looked up when they saw us and I gave the signal. After everybody was in place, I yanked the blindfold off. "Surprise!" everyone yelled. Jacob looked around shocked. He turned to face me "You did this?" he asked. I shook my head.

"I just made a few phone calls everyone else did all the work." I explained. Quill came over and punched Jacob in the shoulder. "Happy birthday man" he said. Jacob punched him back. "Thanks" he said. Harry came over and pulled Jacob into a hug. "You're finally a man now!" Harry said.

I watched as he led Jacob away to go mingle. I smiled and watched as people crowded around Jacob and congratulated him on turning sixteen. I was amazed by how many people showed up. I looked around noticing how everyone had set up. There were three picnic tables, one was covered with food, and another was presents. Tiki torches were lit, there was a bonfire going, there was a grill fired up and balloons all over the place. There were even two piñatas.

I went over to Embry. "Did you invite all these people." I asked looking around. There must have been seventy people here. "Angela helped too," he said and I noticed he was blushing. I was impressed. "Thank you guys" I said gratefully. Quill who was walking past wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "No problem Bella. I know you're amazed at my awesomeness," he said.

I tried to speak but he cut me off. "No, you don't need to say it out loud. You may thank me with your body," he said. Jacob punched him in the back of the head. "That's enough Quills," he said. Sue, who was serving food, shot us an amused look as she handed me a plate of vegetable pasta medley. "Enough rough housing, go grab a plate before the food is all gone," she said. "Well that is my cue to leave" Quill said hurrying after Sue toward the food table.

Jacob laughed. "That's one way to get rid of him," he said. I smiled and handed him my plate. "The birthday boy should get the first bite," I said. He took the plate happily. "Thanks Bells" he said. "Sure, sure" I said trying to imitate him.

Jacob took my hand and led me over to the food table. We sat down and Leah came over to our table. Quill was stuffing his face when he saw her. "This is such an awesome sandwich. That I could kiss you," he said. Leah snorted at him. "Oh, please" she said chugging her strawberry lemonade and throwing the empty plastic cup at his head. "You're still a kissing virgin", she said.

Quill glared at her. "Shut up, I've kissed lots of girls," he said. Leah raised an eyebrow. "Name three" she said. Quill laughed nervously. "There was…um… Betty…and…um..." Quill frowned. Leah laughed.

"Hah! It is Just as I thought." She said. Quill stormed away angrily. Leah turned to face Jacob. "Happy birthday brat" she said handing him a cup of lemonade. Jacob ignored the insult. "Thank Lee", he said. Leah slapped him on the shoulder and gave me a nod of acknowledgement before she left our table.

I waved at her and took a bite of one of the sandwiches she made. My eyes widened. "These are amazing," I told Jacob. Jacob nodded. "Leah has always been an amazing cook." Jacob said. "She plans to open a restaurant someday," he explained. I stared at Leah who was arguing with Seth at the grill.

"She'd make a great chef." I said as Leah shoved Seth aside and took over. Billy came over with Charlie. "Hey son" he said. Jacob smiled "Hey dad, what's up?" he asked. Billy looked at Charlie. Charlie put his hand on Jacob's shoulder. "Time to hit the piñata!" they shouted handing Jacob a bat. Jacob stood up.

"Alright then" he said excited. I followed them and watched Jacob tried to hit it. He got it on the third try, and then Charlie blindfolded me and made me take a turn. I missed, a lot, and then I tripped and fell. "Did I get it?" I asked as Jacob was helping me to my feet. Jacob shook his head. "Not even close honey." He said.

I shrugged and went over to where Embry and Seth were playing limbo. "How low can you go?" Seth asked me wagging his eyebrows. I crossed my arms. "Lower than you" I said. As it turns out Seth was the ten-time limbo champion and I was the limbo joker. I rubbed my sore back and sat down. "Wow you stink at these games" Jacob commented.

I glared at him. "Shut up Jake," I said. Jacob moved my hands and took over rubbing my back. "That's okay honey. I like you anyway" he said. I relaxed and leaned back. Jacob was very good with his hands. "How does that feel?" Jacob asked. "Good" I moaned.

Jacob chuckled and started to massage my lower back. "You are really good at this." I said once Jacob stopped. Jacob shrugged. I remembered the present I had for him and stood up. "Come-on Jacob" I said grabbing his hand and dragging him behind me. "I have to give you your birthday present." I told him. I led him to a secluded part of the beach.

"Why are we here?" Jacob asked. I pulled the tarp off the bikes because of this!" I said with excitement. Jacob looked at the bikes in surprise. "You got these for me?" he asked. I nodded. "Happy birthday Jake" I said. Jacob pulled me into a bear hug and spun me around.

"I love you!" he yelled. I felt my heart flutter for some unknown reason but I just laughed it off. "I love you too." I said. Jacob's eyes lit up and opened his mouth to say something, but his words were cut off. "Time to cut the cake" Billy shouted from across the beach. Jacob was given the knife and told to blow out the candles. "Make a wish," Charlie said. Jacob looked up and made eye contact with me before blowing out the candles.

"Thanks everybody for making this the most awesome birthday ever!" he shouted before cutting the cake. Everybody cheered and Jacob said started saying stuff in Quileute that made everyone clap. Jacob was very popular. I felt envious of the easy way Jacob acted around people. Angela came over and gave me a hug. "Hey Bella" she said. I gave her a small smile.

"Hey" I said. "Where is Ben?" I asked. Angela frowned. "He was busy so I came alone," she said sadly. We chatted a bit before Embry came over and asked her to dance. Jacob came over with a slice of cake for me. "Saved you a piece" he said.

I took the piece and smiled brightly. "You must be Bella," someone said from behind me. I turned around and found a woman standing there. He had long dark hair, and brown eyes. "Jacob has told me so much about you," the woman said hugging me. "Bella this is my sister Rebecca," Jacob said. I smiled but inside I was a little angry.

This was one of the sisters, who left Jacob to take care of his father by himself when he was only thirteen. Before I could say anything people started coming up to me and congratulated me on throwing a great party. I was confused. "Why does every one keep congratulating me?" I asked. "Because Jacob told them that this was all your idea and that they should all show their apperception" Rebecca said. "Why did you do that?" I asked Jacob. He shrugged.

"Because you deserve to be appreciated" he said and gazed at me with such adoration that I blushed. Rachel smirked "I think I hear dad calling me" she said leaving us alone. Jacob smiled suddenly "Do you want to dance?" he asked. I was about to decline until I saw the hopeful look in Jacob's eyes. "Okay" I said slowly. "But I should warn you. I am not good at dancing." I said.

Jacob laughed. "Don't worry, I'll teach you" he said and grabbed my arm leading me to the dance floor. Jacob and I turned out to be the perfect dance partners. Because of Jacob's amazing growth spurt and my balance issues, neither one of us could dance. That did not mean that we did not try. We kept each other laughing with our poor attempts to be graceful on the dance floor. Once during our dance I tripped and took Jacob to the floor with me. We both ended up laughing our butts off holding on to one each other.

We danced until sunset and then the music suddenly slowed down and Jacob held out his hand for her to take. He pulled her closer and we began to sway to the music.

_Some enchanted evening_

_ You may see a stranger,_

_ You may see a stranger_

_ Across a crowded room_

_ And somehow you know,_

_ You know even then_

_ That somewhere you'll see her_

_ Again and again._

"This is nice," Jacob said softly. I closed my eyes and leaned into Jacob's warmth. "Yes, it is nice" I murmured. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his warm chest. For a while, we just swayed with me being held gently in his solid arms.

_Some enchanted evening_

_ Someone may be laughin',_

_ You may hear her laughin'_

_ Across a crowded room_

_ And night after night,_

_ As strange as it seems_

_ The sound of her laughter_

_ Will sing in your dreams._

Jacob pulled back enough to look me in the eye. His dark eyes were warm and friendly as always, but there was another emotion, that I could not name, shining in them. "Bella you have made this the best birthday ever," Jacob said and his smile sent a flutter through my heart. A, pretty, dazzling smile, it brightened his already handsome face. "I'm glad you're happy." I said quietly. "Are you happy Bella?" Jacob whispered and brushed a strand of hair behind my ears. I nodded.

_Who can explain it?_

_ Who can tell you why?_

_ Fools give you reasons,_

_ Wise men never try._

"Yes, I'm very happy" I said amazed. For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace, as though I was where I was meant to be. Jacob suddenly got a mischievous look on his face. Before I could say anything, he picked me up and twirled me around. I squealed loudly. Then he dipped me backwards and I held on to his strong arms feeling my face blush.

_Some enchanted evening_

_ When you find your true love,_

_ When you feel her call you_

_ Across a crowded room,_

_ Then fly to her side,_

_ And make her your own_

_ Or all through your life you_

_ May dream all alone._

Our eyes met and my heart pounded. "Bella" he said softly. His voice was husky almost raw. I knew what he wanted to kiss me. I also knew that he would not do it unless I gave him a signal that I wanted him to. I could see the fire in his eyes and feel the tension that crackled in the air between us. Then he lifted his hand and cupped my cheek.

_Once you have found her,_

_ Never let her go._

_ Once you have found her,_

_ Never let her go!_

I could feel his hand shaking and I knew he was just as nervous as I was. He leaned down and his face was so close, his lip simply an inch away. All the other dancers around us seemed to become invisible. I could still pull back. I did not have to let this happen. I should not let this happen. However, suddenly I wanted to kiss Jacob more than anything.

When I did not protest he closed the distance and kissed me lightly on the mouth. The kiss was filled with tenderness and love. When he pulled away, I put my fingertips to my lips and stared at him dazed. I did not know what to say. The kiss had been perfect. It had not been to rough or too soft. It was just perfect and so much better than in the dream.

I did not know what to say. I could not look at him anymore. Things were going to change now. Jacob was not going to want to be my friend. He was going to expect more. I was not ready for that. "I have to go," I said turning away from him.

"But about the kiss" he stated ready to face this head on. "It never should have happened." I said sadly. I could not say regretted it though. I could never regret that kiss. It was special. I thought Jacob would be upset but instead a slow smile spread across his face. "The kiss was nice." He moved a step closer.

I took a step back. "Can we talk about this later?" I asked. Jacob sighed and stepped away from me. "We don't have to talk about it at all, Bells," he said calmly. Then he grabbed my hand. "Let's go see if there's any cake left." Jacob said dragging me toward the food table. I relaxed.

The rest of the night went by quickly after that. Jacob helped me win at least one of the party games. I noticed Angela and Embry talking quietly in the corner. I wondered if something was going on there. Quill and Leah were arguing over something. Harry and Billy were looking at all the boys with sad eyes. I wondered why.

Charlie was talking with Sue about something. Seth was break dancing by himself on the dance floor. I have to say he was good. Jacob never mentioned the kiss that night but I did catch him staring at me with such longing that it made my chest ache. Why did I feel so guilty? I knew I was not ready for a relationship with any one. I was still in love with _him_. I looked at Jacob who was watching me intensely from across the table. At least I thought I was.

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**author's note: hi every body! i know a lot of people are probaly mad at me for the way the kiss ended but you have to understand that Bella thinks that she is still in love with jacob. i won't have jacob be a replacement! she has to fall for jacob before they can have a realationship. thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm in a good mood today so I'll be updating another chapter today! don't expect this everyday though. I'm in a really good mood because my birthday tomorrow! thanks to those who reviewed. I love you guys! **

**AussieGirl16 **

**GlassHeart1993**

**write more soon**

**Yeddi**

** cloudshadow22**

**AwEsOmEePiCgIrL**

**KEEP THOSE REVIEWS COMING!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs on Bella's CD!**

** (Thanks ****cloudshadow22**** for the song idea!)**

**Chapter 7: Finally home**

**"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you" **

**Christian Morgenstern **

"So how was your week?" Ann asked. I was sitting in her for another session. "It was alright," I said quietly. I told myself that I would try to get better, for Charlie's sake, but I was still having trouble talking to Ann. Ann smiled and wrote something down. "Did anything interesting happen?" she asked. "It was Jacob's birthday, we threw him a party," I said with a smile.

Ann leaned forward. "Tell me about it.," she said. I started talking, describing the details, the preparation, and the party. I told her about everything. When I got to the part about the kiss, I paused. I did not want to talk to her about it. "Is there something else?" she asked watching me concerned.

"Jacob and I kissed!" I blurted out before I could stop myself. I blushed and looked at the floor. "Tell me more," Ann said. I sighed. "We were dancing and having a good time then we kissed," I said quietly. "And how did that make you feel?" she asked. I shrugged.

"I'm not really sure. The kiss was nice and all but, I am not ready for a relationship with anyone. I'm still in love with-" I trailed off unable to say his name. Ann nodded in understanding. "How did Jacob feel?" she asked. I smiled. "He saw that I didn't want to mention it and said that we didn't have to ever talk about it but" I frowned. "I caught him staring at me afterwards." I told her.

Ann gave me a sympathetic look. "Well Bella, I'm glad you haven't jumped straight into a relationship with Jacob." She said. I was confused. "You are?" I asked. Ann nodded. "You have to give yourself time. You're still in the healing phase, rushing into a relationship isn't a good idea. " She said. I nodded.

Ann smiled and pulled something out of her desk. "Here" she said handing me two journals. "What are these for?" I asked. "This journal is for you to write down your bad feeling, thoughts, and events." She said handing me the dark blue journal. "This one is for you to write down your happy feeling, thoughts, and events." She said handing me the orange journal. "Why do I need these?" I asked. "A journal is a safe place to collect all those thoughts and feeling you have inside." She explained.

I nodded and put the journals in my bag. "Now let's work on some strategies to help you during a bad moment," she said. "Okay, now I want you to take a deep breath, hold it, now let it out." She said. I followed her instructions. "Again" she said. I did as told. "When you're having an emotional moment take a deep breath and try to focus on restoring a sense of calmness and stability." She said.

We did the breathing exercise a couple more times before she told me to stop. "Let's move on," she said. I let out the breath I had been holding. "Have you said goodbye to him yet?" she asked. I knew whom she was referring too. "He's gone," I said sadly. Ann nodded.

"Yes I know that but have you said goodbye to him," she said. I did not understand. Ann must have seen the confusion on my face. "Like this: he is gone, he left me, he is not coming back, but I'm still here and I'm alive". She said. Ann waited but when I did not say anything, she decided to explain. "During a break up a lot of the time people hold on to the hope that their past love may return. They put their lives on hold and never quite accept reality." She explained. She looked at me and motioned for me to say it.

"He is gone, he l-left me, he is n-n-not coming back." I stuttered. The wound in my chest opened a little wider. I took a deep breath as Ann told me. I was surprised it helped a little. "I'm still here and I'm alive." I said. Ann clapped. "Good job Bella!" she cheered.

"Make sure you say that at least once a day." She instructed. I felt my eyes water up a little but I held them back not wanting to cry in front of her. "If you want to cry, cry," Ann said. I shook my head. All this crying was getting on my nerves. "Don't bottle up your feelings. Let them out! Tears are a sign of healing and remembering your past." She said. She stood up and patted my back.

"Babies cry when they come into the world because their scared and confused but they stop. They stop because they understand that this is their new chapter. This is your new chapter Bella," She said "it is as Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat, Pray, Love. Do not apologize for crying. Without this emotion, we are only robots."

I gave in and cried. Ann did not comment just stood next to me the whole time. When our time was up, I walked out feeling just a little bit better. Charlie had to go to work today so he could not come with me. I headed to my truck pulling out the CDJacob gave me. It was a nice gesture.

"Hey Bells" Jacob's voice echoed. "I heard this song the other day and it reminded me of you!" he said. The music started playing and I wondered what song could have reminded him of me.

_You make me smile like the sun,_

_Fall out of bed_

_Sing like a bird, dizzy in my head_

_Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night_

_You make me dance like a fool,_

I laughed. Jacob had a great sense of humor. I had a feeling I was going to like this song.

_Forget how to breathe_

_Shine like gold, buzz like a bee_

_Just the thought of you can drive me wild_

_Oh, you make me smile_

_Don't know how I lived without you_

_'Cuz every time that I get around you_

_I see the best of me inside your eyes _

_You make me smile._

When I got to La Push, Jacob was waiting outside with Quill, and Embry. "Hey Bells," he said pulling me into a hug. "Hi," I said. I noticed they all were holding books in their hands. "Today's a homework day," Jacob stated seeing my look. "I have a history report due on World war 2," Quill cried out loudly. "I have research project due for science," Embry said quietly.

"I have an essay due in English on Romeo and Juliet." Jacob said. I remember that Romeo and Juliet was the last movie I watched with _him_. I forced a smile and followed them inside breathing deeply while replaying the song from the car in my head. I pulled out my chemistry homework and started on it. Occasionally I took a break to help the boys. Quill's report was easy enough. I helped him find out small stuff like facts, dates and people involved.

Embry's was a little harder. I helped him as best I could but I did not know much about the water system. Jacob was the hardest. I knew a lot about the book but talking about it hurt me. I forced myself to get through it though. Jacob noticed I was hurting though. "This is dumb," he said taking the book out of my hands.

"What?" I said confused. Jacob smiled. "Let's go make snacks," he said. Quill and Embry cheered. "Thanks Jake, I was starving!" Embry said loudly. I was surprised because Embry was usually so quiet. I guess hunger did that to a man.

We went in the kitchen. "What's wrong Bella?" Jacob asked. I shrugged. "It's nothing," I said turning away from him. "It's not anything Bella," Jacob said. I sighed I decided to tell the truth. Ann was always telling me that I needed to open up more.

"Romeo and Juliet is the last movie I watched with _him_," I said. Jacob nodded in understanding. He wrapped his arms around me. "You should have told me." He said. He pulled away and gave me a smile. "Let's get cooking," he said. I decided to make a white bean, spinach, and pepperoni pizza and Layered coconut chocolate chip layered bars.

Jacob and I had fun playing with the dough and hitting each other with the flour. The kitchen was a mess afterwards but I would clean it up later. Once the pizza was in the oven, I got started on the coconut/chocolate chip bars. Jacob went back out in the living room with the others. I loved cooking. It always cleared my mind. I used to cook all the time in Arizona but for some reason I did not really cook that much once I got here.

I dropped the spoon I was holding. I did not really cook because _He _could not eat what I made. I did not want to upset _him_ by talking about my love of cooking. I did not feel comfortable eating around _him _either. I shook those thoughts away and went back to cooking. When I finished I set the food out to the boys. They were instantly shoving their faces.

Jacob paused long enough to set aside two slices and a bar for me too. I smiled surprised by how comfortable I was. I ate quickly too not as fast as them though. Embry was arguing with Quill and Jacob over the last slice. He punched Quill in the face and laughed when he fell out of his chair. "What's wrong with you dude?" Jacob asked. Embry growled at him and I noticed his hands were shaking then he froze.

"Sorry Jake" he said quietly eating the last slice. I wondered what was up. Everything went back to normal after that. I was worried about him though. I could tell Jacob was too. When Quill and Embry were leaving I pulled Embry aside. "Are you okay?' I asked. Embry shook his head.

"I don't feel very good," he said sadly. I put my hand on his forehead and pulled it away shocked. "You're burning up!" I exclaimed. I led him back into the house and made him lie on the conch. "What's wrong?" Jacob asked seeing my panicked expression. "Embry's sick, he's burning up" I said. I ran a rag in cold water and laid it on his forehead.

"That feel's nice." Embry said closing his eyes. I found an ice pack in the cabinet and out it in the freezer. I started tearing the kitchen apart trying to find a can of soup. When I did not I started making him some chicken noodle soup from ingredients I found in the fridge. "Bella calm down!" Jacob said. I looked at him. "I'm going to call Sue, she's a nurse okay," he said. I nodded and the second he walked out of the room, I went back to cooking.

While the soup was on the stove, I rewet the rag on Embry's forehead. I found a thermometer and put it in his mouth. It beeped "112!" I shouted. I saw that it was still rising. "Fuck!" I yelled. That was too high.

"Wake up Embry!" I yelled shaking him. I had to get him to the hospital. He did not even twitch. I pulled out my cell phone about to dial 911 when Harry Clearwater and Sue were here. "What's going on?" Harry asked. I turned around to face them. "His temperature is too high and he won't wake up." I said. Over the last few weeks, I had gotten close to Jacob's friends I thought of them as mine to.

Harry put his hand on his forehead and gasped. He shared a look with Sue. Jacob read the thermometer and growled. "Shit, let's get him to the hospital!" Jacob ordered. Harry held out a hand stopping him. "Sue and I will take him. You and Bella stay here "Harry said. He lifted Embry into the car and he and Sue drove away speeding.

Jacob wrapped his arm around me. "Come on", he said. We sat on the conch in silence until Billy came home. "What's wrong son?" Billy asked. "Embry's sick," Jacob said. I nodded too upset to speak. "His temperature was over a 100!" Jacob exclaimed.

Billy's eyes widened. "Where is he?" he asked. "Harry and Sue took him to the hospital." I said. Billy calmed down. "Good" he said and rolled to his room. "That was weird" I commented. Jacob nodded. "Yeah it was but my dad's always been weird," he said.

I could not judge. Yesterday I caught Charlie posing with his gun in front of the mirror. "The names Swan, Chief Swan" I shook my head to clear my mind of that. I stood up. "I should head home," I said. Jacob shook his head and grabbed my hand pulling me back on the conch. He pulled me back into his arms.

"Stay." He said. I blushed. I really needed to put some distance between Jacob and I. Jacob leaned his head against mine, and I could feel all the tension leave his body. But not tonight. I closed my eyes and slipped into a nice peaceful sleep. "Should we wake them up?" Charlie asked.

I was confused. What was he talking about? "No, let's take some pictures and embarrass them." Billy said. I heard a few clicks and saw some flashes. I hid my face in my pillow. "That is so cute" I heard Charlie say. A few more clicks and flashes.

I heard my pillow yawn. Wait, pillows do not yawn. I opened my eyes and found myself staring into the sleepy eyes of Jacob. "Hey" he said not fully awake. "Hey" I said confused. What was Jacob doing in my room? I heard snickering.

I turned to see who else was in my room and was blinded by more flashes. I found out it was Billy with a camera, and Charlie with his camera phone. "What are you doing?" Jacob asked. "Say cheese" Billy said. I covered my face with my hands. "Dad stop!" Jacob yelled. I head Charlie laughing. I heard Jacob growl and then there was a sound of a struggle.

I looked around and saw that everyone was gone. "Give me that camera dad!" I heard Jacob yell from the kitchen. I heard some crashing sounds and Charlie yelling. I stood up and went to the bathroom. Just a normal day at home. I paused. Home, I smiled. I guess this was home now.

* * *

**Author's note: things are getting interesting! Embry's sick. i told you guys i would be updating twice. i can not believe you doubted me! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs on Bella's CD!**

**(Thanks ****Rikkumiku**** for the song idea!)**

**Chapter 8: Discoveries and changes**

**_"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before one can call it by name" _**

**_George Washington _**

I was hanging out in Jacob's garage drinking one of his warm sodas and watching him work on the rabbit. Jacob had been quiet today. I was worried. I did not want to pry but I felt like something was going on. "Jake?" I said deciding to just ask him. Jacob looked up from under the hood. "What's up?" he asked. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

Jacob sighed. "It's Embry." He said. I was surprised. It had been Two weeks since Embry got sick. I thought he was better. "Is he still sick?" I asked. Jacob shook his head.

"Embry missed a week of school so I thought he was still sick but he was never home when I tried to see him. When he came back, he looked…he looked freaked out, as if he was terrified of something. Quill and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldn't listen to either of us." He said frustrated. I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiously—he was frightened.

However, he did not look at me he just continued staring under the hood. "Then this week, out of nowhere, Embry starts hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. When I last saw him he was out on the cliffs diving with Sam and his groupies." His voice was low and tense. He finally looked at me and I could see this deep sadness in his eyes. "Bella, they bugged him even more than they bothered me. He did not want anything to do with them. Now he's following Sam around as if he has joined a cult. Just like with Paul. He was not even friends with Sam at all. Then he stopped going to school. A few weeks he came back and suddenly Sam owned him. I do not know what it means. I cannot figure it out, and I feel like I have to, because Embry is my friend and…Sam is still looking at me funny…and..." he trailed off and I saw tears in the corner of his eyes.

I hugged him and pressed my face against his back. "Oh, Jake it will be okay!" I promised. "If it gets worse, you can come live with Charlie and me. Don't be scared, we'll think of something!" I said. He was frozen for a second then he turned around and hugged me tightly. His face buried in my shoulder. I could feel him trembling. "Thanks, Bells." He said and I noticed his voice huskier than usual.

We stood like that for a moment. I pretended I did not feel the wetness on my shoulder and just patted his back. This was a true friendship. Jacob pulled away and smiled. "You are the greatest Bella." He said. His voice was light and normal again. He ran his fingers through my hair.

I noticed he had done that a lot lately, ever since I cut my hair. I pulled away quickly, laughing nervously. "If you keep this up I'm going to get a big head." I was joking. I slapped his arm laughing at myself. Jacob laughed with me. "I think your head would look good big." He said, I puffed my cheeks out and widened my eyes. "See, what I told you?" he said patting my head.

I smiled blushing. "Shut up" I said. Jacob laughed and went to get some more sodas. I stared at his back wondering if there was something, I could do to make everything better. I frowned. Maybe I could talk to Embry. I nodded. That sounded like a good plan.

Jacob tossed me a soda and it slip right through my hands. "Good catch!" Jacob called from the other side of the garage. I shrugged, picking up my soda. "Thanks". The rest of the day went by quickly after that. I called Charlie and told him we would be having dinner at Jacob's house tonight. I was going to cheer Jacob up no matter what.

Jacob and I went grocery shopping again. Once we got to his house I made a tomato salad, Steak, buttermilk mashed potatoes, corn, and apple pie. They looked at the salad weirdly but, after seeing the look on my face, they ate it. "That was good Bella," Charlie said. Billy nodded. "You're a great cook." He said. Jacob smiled at me.

"You would make a great chief." He said. I blushed. After dinner, I washed the dishes while Jacob dried. "I meant what I said you know," he said. I looked at him. "I know," I said. I saw the faraway look in his eye and wondered if he was thinking about Embry.

"Do you want to come over tomorrow and help me redecorate my room?" I asked quickly trying to distract him. Jacob looked confused. "What?" he said. I looked at the sink. "My therapist said that it was a good idea and I don't want to do it alone." I said. Jacob nodded. "Okay" he said.

We made plans to meet tomorrow. That night I could hardly sleep. I was worried about Embry. He was always so quiet and friendly. I could not picture him in a gang or a cult. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. That night I dreamed of Jacob following Sam over to the edge of a cliff and before I could say anything Jacob ran past me and jumped with him. "NO!" I shouted and I caught Jacob's hand.

"Let go of my hand," Jacob said. I shook my head. "What are you saying?" I said feeling myself sliding forward. I gripped his hand tighter and tried to pull him up but he was too heavy. "I think she went this way" I heard a familiar velvety voice say. Jacob looked at me sadly. "We don't have time their coming this way." Jacob said.

"You can still get away," Jacob said. I shook my head. "Not without you" I said trying to hold on to him. "Bella, I'm begging you! Let go of my hand!" Jacob shouted. I felt someone standing behind me. I turned and saw Embry standing there watching us with cold eyes. "Please help me save him!" I yelled.

Embry ignored me and stared at Jacob. "Embry, you know what to do." Sam voice echoed in the air around us. Embry just continued to stand there. "That's an order!" Sam said. Embry reached out his hand toward me and I closed my eyes and let out the breath I had held. He was going to save Jacob. Suddenly I felt something sharp sink into my arm.

I looked and saw a huge wolf biting me. My grip loosened and Jacob fell. "No!" I shouted. "Jacob!" the wolf backed away and before I could say anything, he jumped off the cliff and followed Jacob and Sam into the darkness of the ocean. I clutched my bleeding arm and stood up preparing to follow them. Then I felt someone grab me from behind and I turned around. It was the Cullen standing there.

Their eyes glowing red and hungry looks on their faces. The last thing I saw was Edward launching himself at me and I felt a sharp pain in my neck. I woke up clutching my neck. I was terrified. I looked out my window and saw that it was morning. I hopped out of bed and started getting ready trying not to think. After I showered and made Charlie breakfast I threw myself into cleaning up my bedroom.

I cleaned out the closet, except for the trash bag in the back. I washed my bed-spread and my pillow. I still could not completely banish the dream from my mind. "It was only a dream," I whispered angrily to myself. After that, I started cleaning and dusting more desperately. When Jacob arrived, he stared at my bedroom in wonder. "Wow, you already started cleaning." He said.

I nodded. "So what do you want it to look like?" Jacob asked. I frowned. "I want it to look more like I live here." I said. Jacob smiled as if he understood. "Okay, let's get started." He said. Even though I did not know how I wanted, it to look did not mean that Jacob did not have ideas.

We moved the furniture and started painting. Jacob decided that blue was a good color. "Bella you got a little paint on your face," Jacob said. I looked confused. "Where at on my face?" I asked. Jacob wiped his paint-covered finger on my cheek. "Right there" he said laughing.

I laughed too. "You have paint on you too," I said and rubbed the paint on his arm. "This means war," Jacob said. Jacob and I spent that afternoon trying to cover the other in paint. In the end, we both had more paint covering our bodies than on the walls. "We should probably clean this mess up." I told Jacob. He nodded and I went to take a shower. When I came back, Jacob had painted too whole walls by himself

The painting went by quickly after that. We went shopping on Sunday morning in thrift stores for furniture and little items. Thrift store shopping was different from shopping at the mall. People were milling around with baskets full of cool stuff. "This is great," Jacob, said handing me a quilt. "Really?" I asked looking at it. "Oh, yes. Quilts are very you" he said then he draped the quilt over my shoulder like a cape.

"It's quilt girl!" Jacob said. I laughed and struck a pose. Jacob was my best friend in the world. I do not know what I would do without him. Jacob noticed me staring and waved. I waved back and went to looking for more stuff for my room. The morning passed quickly.

Although Jacob and I did not find any furniture, I did find a lot of cool stuff. Jacob was thrilled to have found a pack of those little glows in the dark stars. I asked him why he wanted them. "It's a surprise Bella," he said. I found several picture frames that Jacob told me that I should buy. "You should buy something for yourself Bella," Jacob said. I found some decorative plates for the kitchen too.

I even brought an entire collection of stuffed animals, even though I had no idea what I was going to do with them. Charlie shook his head at us when we asked him for money to buy more stuff for my room but he gave it to me anyway. We moved stuff around and when we finished my room looked amazing. It had taken a few weeks but it was worth it. My room was blue with yellow suns painted on it. The ceiling was black with glow in the dark stars. I had two nightstand with matching lamps on both sides.

I had picture frames, which Jacob said I would need, on my night stands and my dresser. A pair of matching silver candle sticks with red and pink candles. I had flowers on my windowsill. I had picture frames of different shapes and sizes on the wall. I had flowers in bottles on hooks on the wall. We had mounted a curtain rod and draped a blue and black quilt with yellow butterflies on the wall in front of my desk and I had a plain dark blue one on my bed. My bed was covered in a bunch of small pillows and stuffed animals. I had a yellow patchwork quilt thrown over a rocking chair in the corner of my room.

Hanging on the wall across from my bed there was A Victorian style clock with a cascade of Victorian roses and a long slender full-length mirror under it. I had a bookcase next to my desk, which was filled with all my favorite books and some more stuffed animals. I also had a yellow curtain up over my window and a glass mirror-edged vase that Jacob brought me on my dresser. "Last but not least the blue rug." Jacob said. He had found it in town and thought it was perfect for my new room. He leaned to put in on the floor and noticed one of my floor boards squeaked. "I can fix that," he said.

I handed him the toolbox and he got to work. He lifted up the floorboard and gasped. "What?" I asked. Jacob pulled out a box. "What's that?" I asked feeling uneasy. "I don't know," he said. He sat it on my desk and opened it. It was the all the things that He had taken from me when he left.

Tears filled my eyes and made their way down my cheeks. It was the presents _they_ had given me for my birthday and the all the things _He_ had taken from me when _He_ left. The two plane tickets to Jacksonville Florida, the CD of his music on the piano and all the pictures I had of _him _and the rest of _them_. I sank to my knees, on the floor, beginning to gasp. He had not taken them with him. My head swirled dizzily.

I curled into a ball gasping tears streaming down my face. Jacob was by my side instantly. "What's wrong Bella?" he asked. I tried to speak but all that came out was a bunch of noises. How could I explain that I was fracturing into little pieces? At least I was not alone. I felt a rush of thankfulness as I realized that.

If I would found that box by myself without Jacob…I could not bear to think about it. Jacob wrapped his arms around me. "It's all right Bella," he said softly. I continued crying. Even though we are not, together …no matter how coldly he treated me….I was still in love with him. I know that, no matter what Ann said, I am not okay, and I will never be okay. Jacob rocked me gently whispering words of encouragement. That is, one of the things I loved about him, he always tried to help me.

**_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_**

**_You make me happy when skies are gray_**

**_You'll never know Bells, how much I love you_**

**_Please don't take my sunshine away"_**

I looked at Jacob surprised. He was slightly off key but he still had a nice voice. It sounded slightly familiar but I could not put my finger on where I had heard it before today.

**_"The other night, as I lay sleepin'_**

**_I dreamed, I held you by my side_**

**_When I awoke Bells, I was mistaken_**

**_And I hung my head and cry"_**

Jacob stroked my head as he sang. I could feel the hole in my chest closing quicker than usual.

**_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_**

**_You make me happy when skies are gray_**

**_You'll never know Bells, how much I love you_**

**_Please don't take my sunshine away"_**

The song was familiar too. I remember someone singing this song when I was little and I got the chicken pox. Someone stood outside my door singing this song because I could not have visitors.

**_"You told me once Bells, you really loved me_**

**_And no one else could come between_**

**_But now you left me and you love another_**

**_And you have shattered all my dreams"_**

Jacob's face was pained I wondered if that line had a special meaning to him. I un-curled myself and lay my head on Jacob's chest.

**_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_**

**_You make me happy when skies are gray_**

**_You'll never know Bells, how much I love you_**

**_Please don't take my sunshine away"_**

I listened to Jacob's heartbeat wondering why he was always there when I needed him. I knew Jacob wanted more than friendship from me, but he needed to understand. I was broken. I was beyond broken. I was damaged and mentally imbalanced. Jacob deserved better than that.

**_"I'll always love you and make you happy_**

**_If you will only say the same_**

**_But if you leave me to love another _**

**_But you'll regret it all some day"_**

Was he talking about me and him? I frowned. Did I regret what happened? I regretted that I had not been good enough to make him stay. I could not regret our love though. It had been nice while it lasted.

**_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_**

**_You make me happy when skies are gray_**

**_You'll never know Bells, how much I love you_**

**_Please don't take my sunshine away_**

**_Please don't take my sunshine away" _**

Jacob waited until he was sure that I was done crying then he gently sat me on the bed. "You okay?" he asked. I nodded. Jacob smiled softly then picked up the box that had caused my little episode and closed it. He left the room and came back a few minutes later with some dark chocolate. He handed the candy bar to me and I nibbled on it. It was very good chocolate.

"What happened?' he asked. I looked at my hands. "Those were the gifts the he said that he got rid of." I said. Jacob looked at me and I could tell that he was debating over something with his self. "What happened between you two anyway?" Jacob asked. I winced. "I don't want to talk about it," I said.

Jacob frowned then got up and opened my nightstand. He pulled out a pen and the journal Ann gave to me... I stared at him confused. "Write it then" he said. I shook my head. "I can't," I said. Jacob put the pen in my hand and the journal in my lap. "Yes, you can Bella" he said. I sighed and took the pen. I started writing surprised at how good it felt to get it off my chest.

When I finished I handed the notebook to Jacob. Jacob handed me another chocolate bar and began reading. He read silently and I wondered what he would say. After he read it, he closed the book and sat it down. "Bella, he's an idiot," Jacob said. "What makes you say that?" I asked shocked. Everyone I knew, other than Charlie, always talked about what a wonderful man he was. He was at the top of his class, good-looking, polite, and rich.

He was a great catch and I was lucky that he stayed with me as long as he did. No one had ever called him an idiot. "Because" Jacob said "he let you go." Jacob finished. I shook my head. "No, it was my fault." I told him. Jacob frowned.

"It wasn't your fault. He was a jerk, a damned fool. You deserve better." Jacob explained, looking me straight in the eye as he spoke, as if to make a point. "No, he deserved better. I was not good enough for him. He deserves someone smarter and prettier-" Jacob cut me off. "What are you talking about? You're beautiful, Bella." Jacob said. I frowned. "What? You don't believe me?" he asked surprised. "No, I don't believe you." I said. Jacob sighed. "All right then." He said standing up.

"Get out of bed.' Jacob ordered. I shook my head. "I'm going to prove to you how beautiful you are." He told me. He dragged me out of bed and grabbed the keys to my truck. "Where are we going?" I asked. Jacob smiled. "You'll see." He said.

We arrived at a small shop in Port Angeles and Jacob dragged me inside. "Try this on" Jacob said. I tried to protest but Jacob pushed me in the dressing room. I came out wearing the shirt and jeans, blushing. The shirt was a dark red with a wide neckline that dipped into the low V between my breasts and the skirt was short, black, tight, and stopped four inches above the knee. It looked good on me. I had on a push up bra and black boots.

"Wow! You look hot!" Jacob said. I blushed, a darker red than my shirt. "Here, wear this with it" Jacob said handing me a black choker. I put it on and Jacob took my hand and headed for the counter. He paid for the outfit then took me to a salon. They did my nails, my make up, and they styled my hair into a bun with pieces of hair framing my face. "Whoa!" Jacob said when they finished.

"Bella, you are gorgeous!" Jacob said. He walked around me. "You're so sexy." He said, "Knock it off". I said. "But its true…you're so pretty and amazing." Jacob complimented me. I blushed and smiled laughing. "I like your smile best." Jacob said. : "You're gorgeous. You shouldn't put yourself down." Jacob said.

He walked me around town and people stared at us. "See I told you" Jacob said after another person asked me out. I turned him down but I noticed Jacob glaring at the boy. Women had complemented me on my fashion sense and a couple of people invited me to a few parties. I was tired when Jacob led me back to the truck. He handed me a bouquet of mixed wild flowers he brought from a man. All during the ride home Jacob kept talking about how nice I looked.

I could not believe how beautiful I felt in that moment. I had never felt beautiful before, especially not next to the Cull-them. I thought about that box at home. What did it mean? That he could not take the box with him, and that he did not even want memories of our time together. I looked at Jacob. "E-Ed-Edward's not coming back for me is he?" I said.

Jacob looked at me surprised. I could not believe I said his name. The pain was severe but I would get through it. "No matter how long I wait for him he's not coming back. I guess…it really is over." I said and I put my face in my hands, hunching over and cried silently. I did not want Jacob to know that I was crying again. However, Jacob noticed the trembling of my shoulders, so he pulled over to the side of the road, and put his arms around me. "I'm sorry Bella," he whispered in my ear. "It's okay. Cry it all out. I am here for you. I'll always be here," he said.

I hated to cry in front of Jacob twice in one night. I was glad to be held. Jacob stroked my hair. Crying with Jacob was always more of a relief than an embarrassment. I could not imagine crying to anyone else. I remembered what Charlie said about me relying too much on Jacob. I clung to him, unable to pull away. "Wh-Why do you always have to see me cry?" I sobbed.

"It's not fair," I said. Jacob smiled softly at me. "I'm always here when you need me," Jacob said. When I finally stopped crying, I looked up at Jacob with gratitude. Why did Jacob always have to be so sweet? "Thank you Jacob" I whispered. I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek very close to the corner of his mouth. I pulled away and Jacob stared at me for a moment.

I thought that he would want to talk about it but he just chuckled and hugged me. "You're so sweet Bella," Jacob said. He patted me on the head and then turned the truck back on. "Let's get you home." He said. Jacob was so nice to me. He was always so calm and happy. I wondered if he would always be like this or would he one day decide to leave me just as…I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.

I could not compare the two of them. What would I do with the box when I got home? "What's wrong Bella?" Jacob asked. I did not say anything. "Tell me," he demanded softly. "Jacob, I don't want to keep burdening you with my problems," I said. "You could never be a burden Bella," he said with a slight grin and a furrow of his brow.

"I was wondering what I would do with the box when I got home." I said quietly. Jacob looked thoughtful. "What's in there?" he asked. I told him what was in there and Jacob smiled. "Keep them," he said. I looked confused. "What?" I asked.

Jacob laughed. "You wanted proof that he was real right?" he asked. I blushed. I should not have written that down. "Well you have the proof." He stated. When we got to my house, Jacob took the pictures of Edward and put them in the picture frames on my dresser. He also put pictures of him and me at his birthday party in the picture frames on my nightstand, and pictures of my mom, Charlie, the pictures I took of my friends.

"There, now everyone important to you is in here." He said. I smiled at him. Jacob was one of a kind. "I have to go home now Bella." Jacob said. I nodded. "Goodbye Jake" I said. Jacob paused in the doorway.

Before I could ask what he was doing, he turned around and hugged me tightly. "I'll see you later." He said. He let me go and went down stairs. I stood there frozen. I heard him ask Charlie for a ride home. After they were gone, I changed into my pajamas as lay down. Tomorrow I was going to try to get on with my life.

I could not keep putting my life on hold. "Edward is gone, he left me, and he is not coming back. I am still here though and I am alive." I said to my empty room. It still hurt to say it aloud but one day the pain would not be as intense. I knew the pain was never going to disappear. That would be too much to ask for. However, maybe one day I could handle it without breaking into tears. That was my goal now.

I needed to stop crying and try to be a stronger person like Jacob. I thought about Jacob's feelings for me. I felt safe around Jacob and I cared about him more than anyone did but I was not in love with him. I do not think I could ever love anyone again. Edward was the love of my life. I shook my head. That was not the right word for it.

Edward was the love of my existence. I would never be able to find another love like that. Jacob deserved someone who could give him all of their heart. I looked at Jacob's smiling face on my nightstand. I loved Jacob. I could admit that. However, I worried was I taking advantage of his kindness and his feelings for me?

I got out of bed and went to my desk. The picture of Edward just sat there. Memories rose to the surface of my mind flashing like scenes from a movie. It hurt. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I closed my eyes and imagined Edward was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." he said.

I turned around and saw than I was alone. I could not do this. If I still felt this way about Edward…if I am still so unstable…I will end up hurting Jacob. I did not want that to happen. I wanted him to, always, be that happy. However, I did not want to lose Jacob either. How do I really feel about Jacob?

I felt happy when I was with him. I did not doubt myself with Jacob. Jacob made me feel…beautiful. He made me laugh and he was someone I could be as silly as I wanted around. I could sit in silence with him and I would not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could say anything and Jacob would understand. Jacob was someone I could rely on and I wanted to be around him constantly.

But that's what friendship was. With Edward, I felt weak at the knees. I felt unworthy of such perfection. I felt like I was in a fairytale. As if, we were Romeo and Juliet. I felt utterly devoted to him. He was flawless and amazing.

The way I felt for Jacob was not like with Edward. If he were with me, I would just bring him down with me. Maybe if I put some space between us then he would finally be able to move find someone else. Someone more pretty than I was. Someone more stable. Someone who was not damaged or as broken as I was. I frowned.

Jacob needed someone kind and happy. I tried to ignore the twinge I felt at the thought of Jacob with somebody else. I could not be selfish. Jacob deserved the best. He needed to find someone as beautiful inside as he was. I snuggled into my bed, pulled my quilt over my head, and closed my eyes. I made a mental note of all the people who I needed to make amends with after the way I acted all these months. I would start tomorrow.

* * *

**Author's note: So Bella's changing. what are your thoughts? do you really believe that Bella will be able to keep her distance from jacob? send in your song ideas and any other ideas you have. don't forget to review or Pm your thoughts!**

**A speical thanks to those who reviewed:**

**KatelinSalLovesReading1**

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**megan39**

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**write more soon**

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**thanks everyone. if i didn't include you let me know okay!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not Twilight or any songs on Bella's CD!**

**Chapter 10: The second stage/ Time for a change!**

**_"It weren't too loo long before I seen something in me, had changed. A bitter seed was planted inside of me. And I just didn't feel so, accepting, anymore." _**

**_― Kathryn Stockett, The Help_**

I woke up several times during the night. I was not sure what woke me up but each time I woke the image of Jacob's sad miserable face quickly filled my mind and made my heart ache. Not seeing Jacob would be tough. I decided to get a head start on the list of things I needed to change. I decided that the first person I needed to focus on was Charlie. He had been so worried about me and I wanted to make us closer. I woke up early and ironed Charlie's uniform for him.

I started fixing a nice breakfast and I wondered how I would broach what I wanted to talk about with him. "Hey Bella, did you iron my uniform?" Charlie asked as he entered the kitchen. I smiled and turned away from the stove. "Yes, I did dad" I said. That was something that I needed to work on. I would try to think of Charlie as Dad from now on. I handed Char- I mean dad the paper and a cup of coffee.

"Good morning Dad" I said. I kissed him on the cheek and turned back to the stove. "What's for breakfast?" Charlie asked after he got over his shock at my actions. I set a plate of scrambled eggs, ham, toast, and a grapefruit in front of him. "A healthy breakfast for my hard working Dad" I said. Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay Bella?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah dad" I said sitting down across from him eating my own breakfast and cutting out coupons. "Maybe this weekend we could go fishing just the two of us," I suggested. Charlie dropped his fork. "But you hate fishing. Last time I tried to talk you after your visit to you bailed." Charlie said. I shrugged. "I think it will be fun" I lied.

Charlie nodded but still looked confused. "So what are you going to do today?" I asked. We chatted for a while and I forced myself to pay attention. "Well I've got to get to work," Charlie said standing up. I stood up to and handed him a brown lunch bag. "I made you a turkey sandwich with mustard, and a mixed salad." I said. Charlie took the bag gratefully and left.

After I washed the dishes; I called and made an appointment with Ann for this afternoon, then grabbed my backpack. I had started trying to bond with Char-dad. This may take some getting used to. I made it to school on time and hung out with Angela before class. I sent Jacob a good morning text, usually I would call, but hearing Jacob's voice might ruin everything. School was another place that needed work, I had zoned out for so long that people forgot I existed. I spent the rest of the day participating in all my classes. Teachers were surprised that I was talking again.

I chatted up classmates, who I had never talked to before, in the hall and signed up for a couple of clubs. I sat with Angela and Mike joined us. "Hi Bella" he said taking the chair to my right. "Hey" I said not interested. MikeNewton was not on my list of relationships to fix. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out. It was a text from Jacob.

**_ 'School sucks, I'm so bored right now'_**

I smiled and began typing back. "So, Bella are you busy this weekend?" Mike asked. I ignored him.

**_ 'I'm with you there Jake' _**

I typed. Mike did not seem to notice that I had not responded. "Because I was hoping you would go see a movie with me," Mike said.

"What?" I asked looking at him. "Will you go to the movies with me?" he asked. I frowned. "I have plans this weekend." I said then went back to texting.

**_'So, what are you doing after school?' _**

I paused to think. Jacob and I had been spending so much time together. I told myself that I would put some distance between us. I typed back something and turned my phone off. Texting had been a bad idea.

**_'I have plans'_**

I turned back to Mike. He was staring at me funny. "Plans with that boy in La Push that you spend all your time with," He said. I stared at him as if he were crazy. "So what if I am?" I asked.

Mike frowned. "Are you dating him or something?" he asked. "No, were just friends" I said. Mike sighed in relief. "So what grade is he in anyway?" Mike asked trying to be nonchalant. "He's a sophomore." I said cheerfully. "Oh," Mike said, surprised.

After a second though, he smiled. The rest of the day flew by quickly after that. I made plans to hang out with Angela and Leah later on after my visit with my therapist. "I was surprised when I heard you scheduled an earlier meeting. How have you been Bella?' Ann asked. I looked at my feet. "I'm not sure," I said. One minute I felt great then felt miserable.

Ann looked puzzled. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I found the things that Edward took," I said quietly. Ann waited patiently for me to explain. "When Edward l-left me he said that it would be as if he never e-existed so to make it a clean break he took everything I had that reminded me of him. Jacob and I found the box last night," I said. "Where was the box?" Ann asked. "Under the floor boards in my room" I said.

Ann furrowed her brows and pulled out her note pad. "Why would he do that?" she asked. I flinched remembering my thoughts from last night. "Because he didn't want any memories of our time together and he didn't want me to have any memories either." I said.

"Why didn't he want you to have any memories of him, Bella," Ann said. Part of me wanted to shy away from the memories but I promised that I would try. I took a deep breath but I still could not get the words out. "It's alright Bella," Ann said. Ann looked at me sympathetically. "I'm going to ask you a few questions about Edward okay?" she asked. I nodded and wrapped my arms around myself preparing to face the pain head on.

"Has Edward ever driven a car recklessly while you were with him?" she asked. I thought about that night all those months ago. I nodded. Ann wrote something down. "Did he ever go through your personal belongings without asking?" she asked. I nodded again not seeing where this was going. "Did he ever criticize things that were important to you?" she asked.

I thought about my books that Edward always used to make fun of and then read them anyway. "Yes" I said. "Has he ever hit, slapped, or pushed you?" she asked. I thought about my birthday party when Edward pushed me into the table.

"Yes, he pushed me once but I was in danger and it was for my own good" I defended. Ann sighed and shook her head. "Did he sometimes act as if he was doing you a favor by dating you?' she asked. " No! I just felt that way," I said. "Did you ever feel as if he was trying to run your life?" she asked. I shook my head but I felt doubt creeping in. This went on for a while Ann asking questions about Edward and me answering them.

After I finished Ann looked at me with compassion. "What?" I asked worriedly. Ann sighed and placed her note pad on her desk. "Bella, you and Edward scored very high on the check list of emotionally abusive relationships," she stated. I shook my head in denial. "Edward never abused me in any shape or form!" I shouted angrily. "He was the perfect boyfriend," I said. Ann stood up and handed me her note pad. "Read it," she said quietly. I looked down and gasped.

** Signs Of Emotional Abuse:**

**1. Driving A Car Recklessly To Scare You**

** 2. Going Through Your Personal Belongings Without Permission**

**3. Criticizing Things That Matter To You**

**4. Pushing Or Throwing You Across A Room, Down Stairs, Or Into A Wall**

**5. Seems Too Good To Be True: Picking You Up And Dropping You Off, Always Somewhere Around You**

**6. Says Things Such As You're No Good Or Not Good Enough**

**7. Makes You Feel Like You Cannot Do Anything Without His Help**

**8. Restricting And Controlling**

**9. Ever Tried To Make You Choose Between Him And Your Family**

**10. Keeps Track Of Where You Are, Or Where You Went **

**11. Always Threatening To Leave You**

I stared at the list mentally checking of things. I closed my eyes then opened them and balled up the sheet of paper. "Edward was old fashioned okay?" I said. Ann did not say anything for a log moment. "Okay, we'll drop it for now" Ann said. Ann noticed my sadness and switched topics suddenly. "How is Jacob?" she asked.

I frowned and sank in my chair. "I've decided to distance myself from him for the time being." I said. Ann's eyes widened. "Why," she asked surprised. I explained the events of last night. "So, because you love Edward you're going to stop being friends with Jacob?" she asked looking at me as if I were insane. I nodded.

"I can't give Jacob the kind of love he deserves. He needs to find a better girl." I stated. Ann frowned. "Why can't you give him the love you think he deserves?" Ann asked. I sighed. "I'll never love anyone ever again." I told her. "You shouldn't give up on love Bella. When those you love deeply reject you, or leave you, your heart will be broken. However, that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love more fruitful." Ann said. "You really need to stop putting yourself down Bella," Ann said.

"I'm not putting myself down. I'm just telling the truth." I said quietly. Ann raised an eyebrow. "Have you always felt like this or is this something that happened recently?" Ann asked. I shrugged. "I've always been aware of my flaws." I said. Ann looked thoughtful. "Bella I have an assignment for you." She said.

"What kind of assignment?" I asked. Ann smiled. "I want you to write a list of all your strengths and positive attributes. In addition, I want you to have four other people write lists for you also. You have until our next meeting." Ann said. I frowned. "Seriously?" I asked. Ann nodded. "And I want you to remember this Bella; you don't need anyone or anything to make you happy." she said.

I remembered the changes I wanted to make and thought that maybe I should talk to Ann about it. "So what exactly do you want to change?" Ann asked after I explained. I looked at my freshly manicured nails. Jacob had convinced me to get sunflowers painted on them for a boost of happiness. "I want to stop crying and being weak. I want to be stronger. I want to figure out who I am or at least who I was before Edward left me." I said. Ann smiled and leaned forward. "How can I help?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I don't really know what to do. I already started trying to fix things with Charlie. I am trying to become more involved in school but I do not know what is missing. My life is such a mess." I said frustrated. Ann gave me a patient smile. "As long as you realize that you need change in your life then you are on the right track." Ann said. We talked for a while and made a list of things I needed to accomplish and people I needed to fix things with. As I stood up and prepared to leave, Ann stopped me. "Wait" Ann, said.

She pulled out a card from her pocket. "This is a business card of a healing group therapy. They meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6pm to 8pm. I think that it would be good for you to sit in on one of their meetings." Ann said. I took the card ready to throw it away then I froze. Had I not just said that I was going to change? I put the card in my pocket and smiled. "Thank you Ann" I said. "Also maybe you should ask Jacob what type of love he wants before you throw away your friendship!" Ann yelled as I closed the door.

I told myself that I would stay away from Jacob for a month. Jacob apparently was not about to happen. He called the next day but I did not answer the phone. Wednesday he called every five minutes until well after midnight. "Will you just answer the phone for Jacob? He is getting on my nerves." Charlie said. The phone rang then, shrill and demanding. "That's him again, I'd bet my next paycheck," Charlie muttered leaving the room.

I sat by the phone the entire time with tears in my eyes desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob's voice. Thursday he got a ride, with Harry, over to the house and I snuck out the back door. I spent the night over Angela's house. Charlie tried to talk to me about Jacob but I kept changing the subject. The next week on Friday after school, I was talking to Angela about the book club meeting on Monday that is when I saw him. I would know him anywhere, even if he had not been parked next to my truck leaning against his black motorcycle that I brought him. I stared at him in shock.

I noticed other faces, too – the faces of my classmates. I noticed how their eyes widened as they took in all six foot six inches of Jacob's long body. I raked my eyes over his tight dark blue T-shirt – short sleeved, thought the day was unseasonably cool – his ragged dark grease- smeared jeans. I noticed a couple of girls staring at him with lust and felt my stomach churn. I glared at them silently telling them to back off. I stopped when I remembered that Jacob was not my property. I looked at Jacob and waited for him to say something.

"Hey Bella" Jacob said quietly. His husky voice sent a wave of wistfulness through me. A thousand memories spun in my head; tangling together – a rocky beach strewn with driftwood trees, a garage made of plastic sheds, warm sodas in a paper bag, a tiny room with one too small shabby love seat. The laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the warmth of his hand around mine, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always been like a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter, and most surprisingly the kiss we shared at his birthday party.

I cleared the lump from my throat. "H-hey" I said nervously as I noticed that for once he was not smiling. "Why have you been avoiding me?' Jacob asked. "I wasn't avoiding you" I lied. "Don't lie. Are you mad at me for something?" Jacob asked. I looked at him puzzled. "I'm not mad at you. Why would I be mad?" I asked.

Jacob shook his head. "If you weren't avoiding me and you're not mad at me then why didn't you call me back?" Jacob demanded. His angry tone instantly made me guilty. I tried to come up with an excuse but failed. "Jacob, could we talk about this later?" I asked. I wanted Jacob to drop it but I could tell that he was not going to let it go. Jacob snorted. "What's wrong with now?" he asked. I looked around and noticed people staring at us. Girls were staring at me eyes filled with jealousy and a few people looked curious. "So what did you want Jacob?" I asked. He hesitated.

"Nothing really, I guess…I just…I wanted to hear your voice." He said sadly. I looked into his sad heartbroken expression and felt a pull towards him. I wanted to comfort him and tell him that I wanted to hear his voice too. Instead, I forced myself to act indifferent. "Okay then" I said trying to go around him and get in my truck. Jacob blocked my way. "Wait Bella" Jacob said grabbing my arm.

"I have to go," I said knowing if I stayed near him any longer I would fall into his arms and cry. Jacob let go of me. "How about after you finish whatever you're doing, come see me." Jacob said, a tiny hint of a smile playing around the edges of his mouth. "Jake…" I said softly. Jacob leaned forward suddenly. "Please Bella" he begged. "I don't know about that, Jake," I said looking at the ground. Jacob's face fell.

"I miss you everyday Bells. It is not the same without you. These two weeks have been horrible." He said. "I know and I'm sorry Jake, I just…" I trailed off. He shook his head and sighed. "I know. You are busy right. I guess I will survive somehow. Who needs friends?" he grimaced, trying to cover the pain with a thin attempt at bravado. I noticed the bags under his eyes and the way he was swaying at his feet. Jacob's suffering trigged something inside me, something protective and irrational. I reached out my arms and wrapped them around his waist.

"I'm sorry," I said. Jacob hugged me back tightly and buried his face in my neck inhaling deeply. I felt his body relax completely. What had been going on that had him so tense? "I didn't mean to hurt you Jacob," I told him. "Then why did you avoid me Bella? I don't understand," he said. I decided to tell him the truth.

"Because I don't know how I feel." I said. "What?' Jacob asked pulling away slightly. I sighed. "To be honest, I've been relying on you a lot lately. You make me feel safe, happy, and beautiful and I am thankful; for that. But I feel as though that's not the best thing for me, Jake" I told him. Jacob was confused. "Why?" he asked and I let go of him and put some distance between us. "Because I am still in love with Edward and I was worried that I was using you so that I don't have to deal with the fact that I am broken. I am keeping you from being happy and dragging you down with me. I am just leaning on you and I have not tried to stand on my own two feet yet." I said sadly.

"Bella" Jacob said but I interrupted him. "I'm sorry Jacob. I am still in love with Edward but you are more than my best friend Jake. You are like my other half and I do not want to lose you. But it's unfair of me to keep you bound to me." I said. Jacob stared at me for a minute. "But you like me right?" he asked. I nodded. "Better than any other guy?" he asked. I nodded and gave him a small smile.

"Better than I like the girls too." I stated. "And you like being with me, right?" he asked. I nodded. "I don't think I could ever not like being around you" I told him honestly. Jacob shrugged. "As long as you like being around me and you think I am sort of good looking then it's fine with me." Jacob said. "But I am not going to change and it's not right of me to keep you from all the other people you could meet who could make you happier than I ever could." I said and though I tried to keep my voice normal, you could hear the sadness in it.

"But Bella I don't want anyone else!" he declared loudly. I sighed. "It doesn't matter; I'm always going to love Edward." I whispered. Jacob's face was thoughtful. "So you'll never love anyone again?" he asked. I nodded avoiding eye contact. "How could I? He was my first love, the love of my existence." I said holding a hand over the hole in my heart.

"I'll never love anyone as much as I loved him." I said. Jacob frowned. "So you're condemning yourself to a life of solitude for someone who left you?" he asked angrily. I looked away from him. "I love him." I repeated. Jacob shook his head. "Everything is always about Edward! I know he was your first love but that does not mean that he has to be your last love. That is why it is called a first love because there is supposed to be a second love too!" he said and I stared at him speechless.

He looked at me sadly. "I have always liked you Bella. You are my best friend." He said brushing the hair out of my face. "I understand that you still have feelings for Edward and that is what's holding you back but don't get mad at me for sticking around, okay?" Jacob asked cupping my face in his hands. "Because I am not giving up on this, Bella. I'm going to wait for you. I've got all the time in the world." He said. I sighed sadly. "You shouldn't waste it on me." I said, though I wanted him to. Especially if he was willing to except me the way I was – damaged goods, as is.

"I don't know what you like so much about me. I'm nothing special." I mumbled. Jacob's eyes narrowed. "I like how cute you look when you are when you get that troubled expression on your face. I love it when you smile. I like it when you slap my shoulder when you tell a joke. I never felt the way I feel about anyone but you." He said. I opened my mouth to say something but Jacob kept talking. "I love your hair, the color, that wonderful smell of vanilla and strawberries. I love that you are not like other girls. I love that you are fun and easy to talk to about anything. I love that you always listen. I love the sound of your voice. I love-" Jacob's eyes were glowing and I knew that he could keep going. This was not just a crush for Jacob. I felt a blush rise to my cheeks and butterflies flutter through my stomach.

This always happened to me when I was around Jacob. I looked into his eyes, which were so happy all the time, unlike mine. I wondered if one day my burdens would get so heavy that they would crush that light too. I had to put an end to this, before someone got hurt. I pulled away from him. "Don't be so quick to fall in love with me!" I shouted. Jacob stared at me. "I'm not some car you can fix up. I am never going to run right. I'm damaged goods Jacob!" I finally admitted. "I can't even hold myself together anymore! I still feel pain every time I think about Edward and the Cullens." I feel tears prick in the corners of my eyes but I pushed them back.

"I'm an empty shell. Like an abandoned house – condemned and you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me!" I said. Jacob frowned. "You really believe that, don't you?" he asked. I nodded. "That's not true Bella. There is no one better for me than you, Bells. I want you to know that I am always going to be here. I will not let you down I promise that you can count on me. I will never leave you." He said fiercely. "I know that and I already count on you more than you know." I whispered. Jacob sighed.

"Even though I know we can never turn back time I wish I had got to you first, when you came to Forks. So that I could stop you from getting hurt." He said. "I know you've had a tough time but it's going to get better. You do not have to get through this all by yourself. It is okay to rely on me sometimes. That is what friends are for Bella. Also, I don't mind that you're still in love with Edward I just want to stay by your side." Jacob said brushing my hair out of my face. I stared at him amazed as the sun shined behind him. Jacob was not just 'sort of' beautiful. He was breathtakingly beautiful. I wanted to say something but I could not speak. He looked at me then at my truck.

"Now that we've talked and got all our issues cleared up, want to go for a ride on my bike?" he asked. I looked at his motorcycle. "Okay," I said. Jacob hopped on his bike and I got on the back. He handed me a helmet. "Just to be safe." He stated. "Don't drive too fast." I said fearfully.

"Yes, sir," he said and snapped a military salute before he kicked it to a start. The engine snarled and the tires squealed as he spun it sharply around. In a matter of seconds Jacob and I were flying. There was wind that was not there before, blowing through my clothes with enough force it felt as if someone was tugging on it. I wrapped my arms tighter around Jacob a large smile spreading over my face. Jacob and I rode all over Forks. He eventually drove us to La push.

We walked to the secret place he had found with his mother. We sat in the grass in silence for a few minutes. Jacob looked at me and I could see that he wanted to ask me something. "What?" I asked. Jacob gave me a serious look. "Will you do something for me Bella?" Jacob asked. "Anything," I said.

Jacob smirked. "Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to say anything when you don't know what I want yet" he said. I waited. "Tell me about Edward," Jacob said. I gasped. I had already told Ann about Edward so that should make it easier. "Why do you want to hear about Edward?" I asked. Jacob sighed.

"Bella you told me that I was like the other half of you right? Then will you trust me enough to tell me about Edward? Tell me everything and maybe you can get rid of his shadow hanging over you. I want to know what made him so important Bella. I want to know how I can free you of him," he said. "Tell me…all of it." he said. I looked into his eyes and could not deny him. I began to talk softly. "I first saw him in the lunch room-", I drew in a deep shuddering sigh as I began again. Holding Jacob's hand, I told him about Edward's constant battle with being around me. I told him everything, about the car incident, about Port Angelus, I even told him about James. I told him how I always felt so insecure and plain next to Edward and how lucky I was that he wanted to date me.

I told him about the birthday party, about Edward stealing (And hiding) all my memories of him and would not let me say goodbye to his family. I laughed sadly, looking up into Jacob's eyes. "And when he left I felt like such a fool for believing that someone like him could actually love me." Tears glimmered in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I pulled my hand from Jacob. He waited until I was done speaking before he let out the breath he had been holding. "Bella, why did you want to be with someone who you never believed could really love you?" he asked. I glared at him.

"It's none of your business," I snapped. "Yes it is Bella. Edward hurt you and you're trying to make sure that nobody else hurts you again." Jacob said. I frowned. Was that what I was doing? I looked at Jacob. I did not believe that Jacob could ever intentionally hurt me. "I don't believe that" I told him.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "Jacob I trust you more than anyone. I just can't-" I broke off. Jacob gave me a smile. "It's okay Bella," he said and I saw traces of my friend coming back. "I just want to stop feeling hollow," I said. Jacob nodded. "I understand," he said standing up.

"Let's get you home," he said. Then we rode his motorcycle back to my truck. We made plans to spend the next day together. He was about to leave but then he turned around and walked back over to me. "I heard what you said before. I understand what you were telling me." He said in a low husky voice. "But I just want see if I can stop the hollowness with this…" I felt his hand tip my chin up. Then soft, warm, slightly opened lips touched mine.

My eyes slip closed and the gentle pressure of his mouth lingered. Without breaking the kiss, he pulled me lightly against him and my arms wrapped around his sides. He moved his hand slowly to my back holding me tighter as he deepened the kiss. The whole in my heart filled with warmth, and happiness. There was no pain only the thrumming of my heart filling my own ears. My lips parted slightly and my face flushed in pleasure. I felt his hand on my neck, tangling itself in my hair.

My heart hammered everywhere as he tugged gently and pulled back. I looked at Jacob's face expecting to see something that would explain what had just happened. Instead, I found Jacob's eyes closed and a large smile on his face. "Wow" he said. He opened his eyes and stared at me with amazement. "That was perfect." He said softly. "I'll see you tomorrow." He said getting on his bike and then he was gone leaving me dazed and trembling.

When I got home I saw Edward picture sitting on my dresser staring at me. I stared at the photo feeling guilty. I did not understand why I felt guilty though. Edward did not want me anymore. I thought about what Ann said and about Jacob's confession. Edward was ruining my life and he was not even here to see the results in person. Before I could think about what I was doing, my fist slammed into Edward's face breaking the glass in the frame.

"Damn you, Edward, damn you!" I shouted. I lay my forehead on my dresser and tears slid down my cheeks as I indulged in the memory of his face, his voice, his body, his words, and all the things I had thought that I could trust. Suddenly anger coursed through my body. My head jerked up and I threw the frame across the room against the wall watching it shatter. I dragged my arm across my face and wiped away all traces of tears. "I'll get over you, Edward!" I said angrily. "You fucking bastard!" I screamed.

I was enraged, anger, hate, pain were clouding my vision. "You good for nothing piece of shit!" I growled. His conversations, his actions, and his feelings all of it was a fucking lie! "I loved you! I offered you my soul you asshole!" I was overcome with the thoughts that I tried to block out. My fist was clenched tightly. "You took everything away from me and brought me into your world just so that you could break me and leave me in pieces on the ground!" I stomped the frame breaking more glass. Luckily, Charlie was not home yet.

"You ruined everything!" I yelled. I looked over at the rocking chair in the corner where he used to sit at night and watch me sleep. I could see him slouched over, his heel rocking the chair, teasing me with those gorgeous golden eyes and those cold lips that house his venom coated teeth. "Were you laughing at me? Did you think it was funny listening to me talk about you in my sleep?" I asked. I looked around remembering everything. Edward…Edward…he had been everywhere. He had touched everything.

I could see him sitting at my kitchen table not eating just watching me eat making me feel insecure. I could see Edward sitting next to me, in the passenger seat of my truck, insulting the speed and the gas mileage. Edward playing the piano, playing a song he claimed he wrote for me, Edward sitting on my bed watching my every move and silently judging me. Edward with his face of an angel, who made me feel so plain standing next to him. Edward, who spoke so eloquently and always managed to confuse me. I pulled the photo out of the pile of shatter glass and stared at it. "You never loved me at all did you?" I asked quietly.

I balled the picture up. "That's why you didn't turn me into a vampire. That is why I always felt so uncertain." I said. I shook with anger so intense that my face was red. "I'll never forgive you!" I shouted ripping up the picture. The hole in my chest burned the pain transforming itself into anger and resentment. "You took my heart and dragged it through the woods with you. Did you hide in the trees and watch as I stumbled through the forest for hours calling your name. Did you hear me with your super vampire hearing?" I asked. I looked toward my window.

"You took my hopes and my dreams and left me with only emptiness and a hollow feeling. If it wasn't for Jacob-" I stopped. I thought about Jacob, the only pure thing in my life. I thought about that kiss. I could not corrupt such a nice memory with my darkness. "You are not coming back for me because you never loved me in the first place." I stated. I left my room and headed to the kitchen where I made spaghetti and sat down at the table alone with Edward's image shimmering next to me as if he were suiting there watching me.

"Damn you Edward if you ever come back expecting to haunt me and take over my life again you will be sadly disappointed." I muttered. Deep in my gut, I felt a change coming. Now that my pain had given way to anger, I wondered if I would ever be, completely, happy, or would I always feel this mad. After Charlie came home, I asked him about his day. "More hikers were found dead I the woods last night." Charlie said. I could see that this news had saddened him. "I keep telling these people not to go in the woods but nobody ever listens." Charlie was frustrated.

I got up and got him another beer out of the fridge. "It will be okay dad," I told him. We sat and watched the game. Charlie was trying to explain to me the difference between defense and offense. I was still confused but I tried not to show it. Before bed, I wrote an email to René letting her know about all that was going on. Charlie had told her that I was in therapy and she was worried.

After telling her that I was doing well and that I was not, taking any medication I put in Jacob's CD and laid down. "Hey Bella," Jacob's voice played. "I picked this song for a reason," he said. The music started playing.

**_ I never felt nothing in the world like this before _**

**_Now I'm missing you and I'm wishing you would come back through my door,_**

**_ Ooh_**

**_Why did you have to go? You could've let me know_**

**_ So now I'm all alone_**

I wondered if this was really how Jacob felt when I was avoiding him. It made me guilty. I remembered that Embry was also avoiding him and that Sam was looking at him funny and I rolled over in my bed to face Jacob's picture. He had enough things to worry about.

**_Girl, you could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance_**

**_With you not around it's a little bit more than I can stand, _**

**_Ooh_**

**_And all my tears they keep running down my face_**

**_Why did you turn away?_**

Why did I turn away? I thought that I was doing what was best for Jacob but was that the real reason. "I'm scared," I whispered aloud. I was scared that one day I would become such a heavy burden that I would crush Jacob's spirits the way Edward crushed me.

**_So why does your pride make you run and hide?_**

**_Are you that afraid of me?_**

**_But I know it's a lie what you keep inside_**

**_This is not how you want it to be_**

It was not my pride that made me run; it was me, just me. I was not afraid of Jacob. There was nothing to be afraid of when it came to him. Was I lying to myself? Did I want things to be different? Yes but I did not want the same things Jacob wanted.

**_So baby, I will wait for you_**

**_'Cause I don't know what else I can do_**

**_Don't tell me I ran out of time_**

**_If it takes the rest of my life_**

**_Baby, I will wait for you_**

**_If you think I'm fine it just ain't true_**

**_I really need you in my life_**

**_No matter what I have to do,_**

**_ I'll wait for you_**

Would Jacob really wait for me? Part of me I hoped not. I was a loss cause. However, a part of me wanted him to. More than anything in the world and I did not understand why.

**_Been a long time since you called me_**

**_(How could you forget about me?)_**

**_You got to be feeling crazy_**

**_How can you walk away? _**

**_Everything stays the same_**

**_I just can't do it baby_**

**_What will it take to make you come back?_**

**_Girl, I told you what it is and it just ain't like that_**

**_No, why can't you look at me? _**

**_You're still in love with me_**

**_Don't leave me crying_**

Was this really, how Jacob felt? I could never forget about him. Maybe I was a bit crazy but I did what I thought I had to do. I was not in love with Jacob though. He was my best friend and I loved him.

**_Baby, why can't we just, just start over again?_**

**_Get it back to the way it was_**

**_If you give me a chance I can love you right_**

**_But you're telling me it won't be enough_**

I could not give Jacob a chance, not as long as I still harbored feelings for Edward. I growled. Just thinking his name made me angry enough to punch someone. I punched my pillow a couple of times.

**_So baby, I will wait for you'_**

**_Cause I don't know what else I can do_**

**_Don't tell me I ran out of time_**

**_If it takes the rest of my life_**

**_Baby, I will wait for you_**

**_If you think I'm fine it just ain't true_**

**_I really need you in my life_**

**_No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you_**

**_I'll be waiting_**

I fell asleep and with my last conscious, I wondered how long Jacob would be willing to wait. I dreamed of a man coming closer to me. I could make out his shape. His broad shoulders and his tall height but I could not make out his face. As he came closer, my heart began to beat faster and faster. Was it fear…or was it something else?

The man held out his arms and against my will, I went to him. I put my hand in his and he pulled me to him. With a gasp I fell against him, my head nestled against his chest and I could feel his lips pressed against my ear. "I'm tired of waiting Bella," he growled. "Who are you?" I asked. The man pulled back and dipped his head towards mine. "Jacob?" my voice was a whisper of denial.

Jacob glared at me and before I could say anything else, his mouth covered mine roughly. Only instead of pain, I felt pleasure. I instinctively kissed him back savoring the taste of his lips. "Why can't you just love me back?" Jacob whispered pulling away. I reached for him wanting desperately to kiss him some more. I looked up into his face and saw the pure anguish in his eyes. "I do love you Jacob," I whispered trying to pull him back into my arms.

Jacob stepped back shaking his head. "Why can't you just love me half as much as I love you Bella?" he asked. "I do love you!" I said. Jacob looked away from me. "I'm through waiting for you.," he said and vanished. "Jacob….no…don't go…please…I love you…Don't leave me!" I screamed then I fell to my knees screaming, begging him to come back. I woke up suddenly, thrashing in my bed and crying.

I thought about the dream and jumped out of bed running to the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I emptied my stomach. "What is wrong with me?" I asked aloud. I thought of Jacob's resigned face as he left and threw up some more. I needed serious help.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Chapter 10: A Valentine's Day to Remember!**

**_Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day._**

**_-_****_Nicholas Sparks_**

I woke up feeling surprised to find myself happy. I was sure after the events from yesterday that I would wake up with a pounding headache. But today, I felt refreshed, energetic, and alive. It was a nice feeling. I sat up and looked at my window. Then I looked at my room in general. I smiled at the changes Jacob and I had made that I hadn't got a chance to fully appreciate because of finding Edward's box.

I sighed getting out of bed. I looked at my alarm clock and gasped. There was a sticky note attached to it covering up the numbers. 'There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you!' I was confused. Who would put a note on my alarm clock? I grabbed the note and rolled out of bed heading to my closet.

I opened it and found an outfit hanging on the door for me to wear. It was a dark blue silk button down baby doll shirt and some jeans. 'I saw this at the store and thought of you!'I grabbed the note and my purse throwing them inside. I went in the bathroom getting ready to go over Jacob's house when I noticed a sticky note stuck to my mirror. 'You look great today! How do I know? Because you look great everyday' I put the note in my purse and went downstairs to make Charlie breakfast. I went to the refrigerator and there was another sticky note on the door.

'A woman who can cook is always great! But you're the best no debate' I giggled. I put that note in my purse. I made a nice breakfast for Charlie. "Bella, your truck was leaking oil so I'll take it to the shop later on my way to work.'" He said. I was confused. "How am I going to get to Jake's then?" I asked. Charlie tossed me the keys to his cruiser. "Take care of it." He said before leaving. There was a sticky note on his windshield. I got in the car and drove to La Push. Jacob was waiting when I pulled up in front of his house.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Jacob said, smiling, but ducking his head as he greeted me. He held out a small, pink box, balancing it on his palm and a bouquet. Conversation hearts and white and red roses. I blushed as the gifts were shoved into my arms. "Is today Valentine's Day?" I asked surprised. I really needed to get a calendar or something. Jacob shook his head with mock sadness.

"You can be so out of it sometimes. Yes, it is the fourteenth day of February. So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't even get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it's the least you can do." he said. I pretended to think about it. "What exactly does that entail?" I asked. Jacob smirked. "That's for me to know and you to find out" he said leading me into the house. We sat on his couch and looked at sappy valentines movies that his sisters had left in their room. I was still slightly sensitive to romance but watching them with Jacob holding my hand didn't hurt me as much.

In fact I actually laughed a couple of times during when Harry met Sally. We watched the titanic and were both angry at the ending. "There was enough room on that door for the two of them!" I said angrily. Jacob nodded. "Yeah, and she didn't even really check and see if he was alive. He might have just been a deep sleeper!" he said. We watched 'P.s I love you' and I was practically sobbing. "That was so sad but I'm glad she got a happy ending!" I cried.

Jacob nodded wiping his eyes. "I don't think there could possibly be a movie sadder than that." He said. He was forced to take that back after 'Untamed heart'. "Why did I agree to watch these?" he asked covering his face. I sniffled and smiled "Because I asked you to?" I asked. Jacob sighed.

"Right" he mumbled. "You have to admit that it was a beautiful movie though" I said. Jacob smiled. "Yes it was." He said. We pulled out the photo album and looked at pictures from when we were younger. "Look at us! We were so cute!" I squealed. It was a picture of the two of us in Jacob's backyard climbing his tree.

Our dads were in the picture laughing with each other about something while pointing at us and our mother were smiling. The next was a picture of Jacob standing there covered in chocolate pudding with his fist balled up and I was hiding in a bush behind him. "I remember that. You said you'd beat me up after I threw pudding at you." I said giggling. Jacob smirked. "You were a troublemaker back then someone had to put you in your place." Jacob said smugly. I shook my head. "You never did beat me up" I told him.

We turned the page and looked at the other. "We had a lot of good times." I said softly. Jacob smiled. "Remember how our dads used to joke about the two of us growing up and falling in love." He said. I nodded sort of uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. Jacob turned the page again and suddenly burst out laughing. I peeked at the page to and couldn't control my laughter.

It was a picture of Jacob with his lips puckered for a kiss, me running away blushing and tripping over a rock. "I remember that!" I exclaimed. "We were watching my colors of the winds sing along tape and 'Can you feel the love tonight' came on. I can't believe that I dared you to kiss me!" I said. Jacob laughed. "Jacob Black never backs down from a challenge." He declared. I grinned. "I didn't believe you would actually do it. I changed my mind at the last second and tried to run off but that stupid rock got in my way." I said in mock anger.

"You were clumsy way back then to." He stated. I frowned. "Yeah, then my mom went ahead and signed me up for those ballet lessons. I was the worst ballet dancer ever! I used to hide in the closet and pray that she wouldn't make me go." I said sadly. Jacob frowned too. "Did that work?" he asked. I shook my head. "No, she always caught me." I said.

"I was eight when my mother decided to enroll me in ballet class. When I first started I thought that I would be graceful as a butterfly and fall madly in love with one of the boys in the class but instead I was klutz. During class, I sat among the girls, on the other side of the room, waiting for someone to ask me to dance. To my complete shock I was consistently the last one chosen. At first I thought the boys made some mistake. Renee and Charlie were always telling me how pretty and talented I was. I remember thinking I could beat everyone back home at building mud pies and I knew how to bake a whole cake all by myself." I told Jacob.

"Why didn't anyone want to dance with me? I got my answer later in the week. All the other girls had been chosen and there was one boy left. The teacher pointed him in my direction and told him to dance with me. I smiled thinking I was finally going to get my chance to shine. "No fair!" the boy shouted. "Why do I have to dance with the Klutz? I want to dance with one of the pretty girls!" he yelled." I felt as if I was reliving that moment all those years ago. Jacob held my hand trying to comfort me.

"My confidence shattered that day and I never fully regained it. Class after class I watched boys in blue and black leotards ask girls in pink and purple tutus to dance while I watched from the wall. I'd watch as they fell easily in step with each other in a way that seemed mysterious to me. I was someone who always had scrapped knees from tripping over my own two feet. After watching them week after week I came to believe that being considered pretty or beautiful was only for people who glided and those who never tripped, fell, or really even touched the ground. By the time I was 9 I knew how to fade into the background so no one would notice my tears when no one asked me to dance. Around that time Renee's closet became my hiding place." I joked trying to lighten the mood. I could tell by the look on Jacob's face that I hadn't succeeded.

"What happened next?" he asked. I shrugged not wanting to talk about it anymore. "What happened?" he repeated. "I'd listen to the other kids laugh, talk, and make plans for the weekend and I would cry because no one ever me to come with them. A few months later I met Kevin, a red headed boy who was way more popular than me." I sighed wistfully at the memory. "He was nice and he always volunteered to be my dance partner. He was two years older than me but cute. I was quiet and couldn't even look him in the eye but he always talked to me and never asked anyone else in the class to dance. He talked about books he read, offering me copies after class. He became my loyal dance partner and my first crush." I admitted blushing.

"We dance at every lesson but one day he didn't show. I was worried so I begged my mom to take me to his house so I could see if he was alright. I found him outside in his backyard making out with some blond girl from the class next to ours. I got my heart broken that day. I stopped going to ballet lessons after that but I did gain a new appreciation for books." I said tapping the next page which was a picture of me reading a book on the beach while Jacob built a sand castle.

"After that Renee signed me up for flute lessons. I thought I was pretty good. So she signed me up for a talent show at my school. I went to play and couldn't hit any low notes." I said shuddering at the memory. "You were nervous." Jacob said patting my shoulder. I shook my head. "The judge said I was untalented and needed more practice." I mocked the condescending tone she used and frowned. "Then she signed me up for art lessons. I couldn't draw a straight line with a ruler." I told him. He stayed quiet listening to my story patiently. "Then I decide I wanted to be a writer. The newspaper was having a creative writing contest. I worked for weeks on my story and sent it in. A few weeks later the newspaper came out." I said.

I fidgeted on the couch. "I didn't win but my story was published in the paper. My story was posted as what not to do next to the winning story. The editor ridiculed every aspect of my story. I was so humiliated." I shook my head trying to shake away the nasty memories.

We put the photo album up and left shortly after that. "Why didn't I remember any of this stuff I did with you before? I mean you were my best friend." I asked quietly. Jacob shrugged. "You know how they say that people rarely remember the good points in their childhood but instead only remember the traumatic incidents?" he stared at me, looking for some sign that I understood. I looked at him confused. "Well how come you remember?" I asked. He sighed.

"I remember everything. I was blessed with a really great memory. It's a blessing and a curse." He said sadly. I wondered what he was remembering that made him so sad. I opened my mouth to ask but Jacob interrupted me. "Also There was a lot of pretty significant periods in my childhood that were…well a little traumatic." He said. I remembered that his mom died around the time I started ballet and his father's diabetes got worse that year too. I was so busy worrying about myself that I had forgotten Jacob while I was doing that. I reached over and slid my fingers into his. He stared at our clasped hands before smiling and squeezing my hand slightly. We walked in the woods for a while.

I was nervous about walking around the woods when there bears around I flinched at every noise and stared into the shadows expecting one to attack at any moment. Jacob seemed to be feeling the opposite. "Maybe we'll see the super bear," he joked. I glared at him. "Hope those shoes are fast, Bella. The snacks I have in my bag won't keep a hungry bear occupied for long." He teased.

"I only have to be faster than you." I pointed out. "Good luck with that!" he said running ahead of me. "Wait up!" I yelled struggling to keep up with him. "You're too slow" he said turning around. I expected him to walk beside me. Instead he picked me up over his shoulder and continued walking like I weighed nothing. "Put me down!" I yelled beating on his shoulder.

"Nope" he said then he started whistling cheerfully, an unfamiliar tune, swinging his arms and moving easily through the undergrowth. "If a bear does come after us how will you get away if you're carrying me?" I asked sarcastically. "Don't worry Bells. Bears don't eat people. We don't taste that good." I could hear the grin in his voice. "Of course you might be the exception." He said. I laughed. "If anyone would be the exception it would be you." I said trying to get down. Eventually I gave up the struggle; it wasn't like I really wanted to walk anyway.

The shadows didn't seem dark as usual. Not with my personal sun carrying me. My mind wondered as I walked, and I grew curious. I wondered how Embry was doing but I didn't want to pry. I had been waiting for Jacob to bring it up but he hadn't said a word about it. "Hey… Jake?" I asked hesitantly. "Yeah?" he said.

"How are things… with Embry? Is he back to normal yet?" I asked. Jacob was silent for a minute, still moving forward with long paces. Was I really that light? About ten feet later stopped. "No. he's not back to normal," Jacob said. I pushed my way out of his arms to look at his face. His mouth was pulling down at the corners.

His eyes were sad and lost. I immediately regretted bringing it up. "Is he still with Sam?" I asked. "Yup," he said. He put his arm around my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around his waist trying to silently offer him the comfort he needed. "Are they still looking at you funny?" I whispered. Jacob stared through the trees.

"Sometimes," he admitted. "And Billy?" I asked. "As helpful as ever," he said in a sour, angry voice that disturbed me. "Our couch is always open," I offered trying to keeping the hopefulness out of my voice. It would be really nice if he could stay with Charlie and me for a while. He laughed, breaking out of the unnatural gloom. "But think of the position that would put Charlie in – when Billy calls the police to report my kidnapping." He joked.

I laughed too; glad to have Jacob back to normal. We stopped at our usual spot by the lake. "This is really nice." I said. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I pulled out the conversation hearts from my pocket. I poured one out of the box and into my hand. "Be mine" I read.

The green heart shaped candy made a rather loud crunch between my teeth. Jacob looked at me. I offered him the box. Jacob poured one into his hand. He gave a little snort and then read the candy out loud. "My love" he said. Then popped the pink candy into his mouth and crunched it.

I took the box out of his hand and poured another candy out. "Eternal lovers" I read. The little white heart shook in my hand. I thought about the past and felt a rush of anger. I pushed the thought away and offered the candy to Jacob. Jacob took the candy and threw it into the lake. I looked at him and saw that he appeared lost in thought.

I poured more candy into my hand looking for the right ones. I handed them to Jacob and he read them. "U R nice" read aloud before eating it. "U R # 1" he read aloud again. He took the box from me and did the same as I had done. He handed me a couple of candies reading each one before handing it to me. "E Z 2 love" he read, batting his eyelashes playfully.

My lips twitched. "U R 2 cute" he read. I smiled. "I'm Buggy 4 U" he read before tickling me. I burst out laughing unable to stop. I pushed him away and ran for it with him chasing behind me. "Come back, I'm Batty for you!" he shouted throwing a candy at my back.

I tripped over a rock and fell laughing. "Best valentine's day ever!" I said. Jacob gave a mock bow. "I aim to please." He said. When we got back to the house the sun was setting and Leah was waiting on the stairs. "Come on Swan. We got work to do" she said. I looked at her confused.

"She's going to help you get ready for the surprise I have planned." Jacob explained. I looked at her cautiously like she was a wild animal waiting to attack. "Oh for the love of- I don't bite Swan" she growled. I followed her to the jeep that was waiting in front of the house and cast a pleading look towards Jacob. "I can't just leave Charlie's cruiser here." I said. He gave me an encouraging smile "Charlie bringing your truck by later so I'll bring it with me." He yelled as we pulled away. The silence was stifling and uncomfortable. When we got to Leah's house she dragged me inside before I got a chance to get a good look at it.

The inside was clean and simple. Leah dragged me upstairs to her bedroom and tossed me a face rag and a towel. "The shower is next door." She said. I was confused. She raised an eyebrow. "You do realize that you're covered in mud right?"She asked. I looked down at my clothes surprised.

I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was covered in dirt from head to toe. My hair had leaves in it and a stick. It took a while to get all the dirt and leaves out of my hair but when I came back Leah was waiting with my dress. "Try this on Swan" she ordered. "My name is Bella…you know" I said nervously. She glared at me for a minute then tossed me the dress.

"Just put on the damn dress…Bella" she said. I hesitated. "Isn't this a little much?" I asked and she growled at me. "Look Swan, you are going to wear that dress. The question is: are you going to put it on yourself or am I going to have to help you?" she asked stepping towards me. I gulped and quickly decided to put the dress on before she killed me. "I…I…I can do it myself Leah!" I exclaimed running back into the bathroom. The dress was modest, yet the material's dips and curves were appealing creating a glowing air of sophistication around me.

Somewhere between an ocean blue, powder blue, and Light blue, it mixed with a rainbow of blues when the light hit it just so making one ponder what the true color of the dress was. The neck curved in a slight dip at the cleavage, not showing anymore than necessary and held up with two thin straps of material on each shoulder, accenting the appendages just so. My pale white skin didn't tan, so there were no tan marks marring me in different shades. Tightening around the breast and waist the material fell loosely to my feet trailing slightly in the back and showing off the tip of my silver open toe sandals in the front. The back open exposed by the crisscross pattern with a couple of strings.

I came out slowly and she gave me a look over before forcing me into the chair next to her dresser. "Now I have to do your hair and makeup" she stated. I wanted to say something but she shut me up with a look. I made sure to stay perfectly still not wanting to anger her. After she finished I stood up and went to check myself in the full length mirror. I was surprised to see that I looked good. My eyes glittered covered with a glittering dust rather than a heavy coat of eye shadow making my eyes seem more vivid.

My lips were glossed over with a light natural color, the shine adding plump. My hair was half up, half down with a twist. Overall it was a simple, yet elegant and exactly my style. Not like when Alice dressed me. I wondered why everyone else respected my fashion choices but Alice hadn't. I shook the thoughts away and admired my dress some more. "Stop ogling your-self Bella or else we're going to be late." She said without her usual heat.

I noticed the wistful expression on her face as she gazed at my dress. "Leah, where did you get this dress?" I asked. Leah smiled sadly. "Sam brought it for me before-" she cut herself off. I hesitated then decided to go for it. "You really loved him didn't you?" I asked. She nodded.

"I thought we were meant for each. I know a lot of people say that but it was different for us. I loved him with all my heart. Soul mates were the only way to describe us. " She said sadly. I put my hand on her shoulder. She grabbed my hand her tight grip was not painful, but it wasn't comfortable either. But I did not pull my hand away as I looked at her from the corner of my eye. She was staring at my dress- her eyes filling with tears. I'm sure Jacob told you about what happened between us." She said and I nodded. "Emily was more than my close friend. She was my sister. The one person I trusted with my life," she said so quietly that I almost didn't hear her then she barked a laugh, "We shared everything." She whispered.

"I'm so sorry," I said sincerely as a tear spilled over. "No," she said and met my eyes, "I'm sorry Bella. This is supposed to be your night. I can't believe I'm dumping all my problems on you." She started wiping harshly at her eyes. "It's okay," I reassured as the pain in my chest flared, "It's better than holding it all inside.. Trust me I know." I told her. She looked at me like I was crazy before busting out laughing. "You're alright Bella" she said.

We stood up and I noticed for the first time what Leah was wearing. It was the dress that Jacob had picked out for her at the mall. "That looks good on you." I said. She slapped my shoulder. "Thanks. You look good too." She said. We talked in the car enjoying finally being around someone who understood. She told me about Sam and I even told her about Edward.

"He just left you there in the woods?" she asked angrily. I nodded. "And you chased after him?" she asked. I sighed. "I know it was stupid but I thought if I could catch up to him then I could change his mind." I said. She nodded as if she understood. We arrived at a restaurant and found Jacob waiting outside for us.

I swallowed hard as I took in the sharp black suit he was wearing a black suit with a blue shirt and tie that matched my dress. He wore his clothes with a careless grace that was very attractive. As I got out of the truck I saw the looks women cast him as they walked past him into the restaurant. Suddenly my heart wrenched because I realized how much more beautiful they were than me. But then Jake saw me, and the way his face lit up took my breath away. His eyes widened slightly as they flickered over my dress in appreciation, but it was his smile – which seemed to start from deep within him - that made my heart beat just a teensy bit faster as he made his way over to me through the crowd.

Finally, Jake was in front of me. "Hey Bella," he said and that's when I noticed the flowers in his hand. It was a cluster of wildflowers beautifully arranged. His warm hands engulfing mine, as he slipped the flowers into my hand, as I brought my hand up to admire the flowers Jake grabbed it and he brought it to up to softly kiss the inside of my palm, sending shivers down my spine. "Do you know amazing you look? You look like an angel in that dress." He said. I laughed. "You can thank Leah for that." I said giving her a grateful look.

Jacob turned to Leah and thanked her. Leah went inside leaving us alone. "You clean up pretty well yourself Mr. Black." I complimented. Jacob rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Well thank you. Ready for an amazing dinner?" he asked. I nodded. "Yes." I said.

We went outside and got into the restaurant. They sat us at the perfect table. It was in the back with a single candle on the table. It had a deep red table cloth and not a lot of other people close by. "This is perfect." I said. We sat down and we ordered the Valentine's Day platter. We ate, we talked, and relaxed.

When we finished the waitress brought out the dessert and Jacob waited until she gone before handing me another gift. "What is it?" I asked. "Open it" he said. I opened the box and found a wooden dream catcher with the words 'Sweet dreams Bella, love Jacob' carved into it. "Did you make this?" I asked. He nodded. "Yeah, I've been practicing my wood carving skills." He said.

I stood up and hugged him. Then music stared playing.

**_The room is empty _**

**_The lights are dim _**

**_And my heart wonders _**

**_If I'll ever see you again_**

"Want to dance?" he asked. I shook my head. "Please" he begged. "Alright" I said giving in. Jacob grabbed my hand and dragged me out on the dance floor with the other couples.

He pulled me onto the dance floor so that we could sway slowly to the music. "I don't remember you being this good at your birthday party," I said as I tried not to make a fool of myself on the dance floor. Jacob smirked. "I know. I've been practicing." He said waggling his eyebrows. Then he started doing some weird twist and moon walking which looked silly and contrasted with the slow music playing. I rolled my eyes and then he pulled me in and he expertly dipped me. I sighed as I moved in closer, laying my head on his broad chest as we swayed to the music.

**_My tears are hungry _**

**_For an open door _**

**_When your arms held me _**

**_I never felt that way before_**

I could feel the heat of his body through the smooth sheen of his shirt and it felt comforting in the heavily air-conditioned restaurant. I turned my head to one side so I could lay it against his chest, smiling as I heard the secure faithful sound of his heartbeat. Everything was perfect right now. After the stress of the last few days this seemed like a comfy sanctuary from the world outside.

**_I'll be waiting _**

**_I'll be watching _**

**_Under a blue moon _**

**_The taste of heaven _**

**_Only happens _**

**_Once in a blue moon_**

Jake seemed to feel the same way as he shifted slightly so that he could wrap his arms tighter around me. We were barely moving at this point, just swaying to the beat of the song, a song that I would associate with this perfect moment for the rest of my life. I wished I could just stay in this moment forever – feeling loved, cherished, protected, and secure.

**_Once in a blue moon _**

**_Do you remember _**

**_When the wind blew free _**

**_And we fit together _**

**_So naturally _**

I looked up at Jacob suddenly wanting him to kiss me. Jake noticed me staring and leaned down and just before he pressed his lips to mine he took a deep breath as he straightened his shoulders. "Bella, those boys in your ballet class were idiots. You are the most beautiful, amazing, funny girl and I lov-" I cut him off from his speech by putting my hands on his warm cheeks. "Stop, that's all I need to hear." I told him. I wondered why such a wonderful guy like Jacob wanted with me. I couldn't bear to hear him say those three words which would change everything. I could tell he wanted to say it anyway and I felt anger that rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch.

Don't say it. I wanted to beg. My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair pulled him towards me, fusing my lips against his. Jake froze at first, in shock, but with a wild gasp, he responded, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist as he eagerly wrapped his arms around my waist to pull me towards him.

**_If the wind closes a door _**

**_It will open another_**

The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-control; his ecstatic response overthrew it entirely. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissing him back more forcefully. My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now. There were no words to describe the way I felt. He was everywhere. The heat was everywhere. I couldn't see or hear or feel anything that wasn't Jacob. Even the music was silent.

It was amazing and I was absolutely sure that this was what I wanted. I felt completely whole again, something that I haven't felt since Edward left. And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole. The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me. Why wasn't I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn't I find it in myself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didn't want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?

**_"You love him,"_** Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear. "**_Be happy,"_** he told me. I froze. My heart stopped and all the blood froze in my body. I flinched and was taken aback when the hole didn't open as much as I expected. Instead, another unpleasant feeling nagged at me and I realized it was guilt. I was betraying Edward. _Edward._ The guilt was replaced by anger. Leave it to my messed up brain to ruin a perfect moment. Jake felt me tense up and he pressed his lips to my head in a soft kiss. "Don't …" he admonished gently, he bent to kiss me again. This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet

He was staring at me with wonder and elation. I began to worry and panic wondering if I had given him the wrong idea because I knew I wasn't ready yet. No matter what_ he_ had said. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I don't know why I did that…I mean, I…we can't, I can't…oh, Jacob." I couldn't explain my actions, but as I looked at him, he started to smile. "Don't be sorry, Bella," he said. "It was just a shut-up kiss right" he said raising an eyebrow.

I gave him a forced a smiled then buried my head into the shirt and he pressed me to him as we continued to sway to the music. Against his chest, where he couldn't see, the tears welled up and spilled over. I don't know how long we stayed like that, lost in the moment, lost in my thoughts, but I eventually realized that we were the only people still on the dance floor. We left the restaurant after that.

"I have something to show you." He said. He took me to the parking lot. "I don't understand why-" I got quiet staring at my truck in amazement. My truck had been washed, waxed, detailed, and the wheels had been changed. On the back window were two big hearts that read 'Best Friends forever'. There were cans tied to the back of the bumper and pink and red balloons in the truck. We rode around attracting attention everywhere we went.

It was fun and when we finally got back to Jacob's house. I was sad that the night had to end. "Bye Jake" I said softly. He smiled. "Bye my valentine" he said. "Call me!" I yelled as he moved away from the truck. I watched him go inside the house, and I stared at the empty place where he had been. I missed him already.

Spending the day with Jacob had made this Valentine's Day special. Except for that one thing, it had been perfect and it had made me realize something I should've figured out a long time ago. I realized that the friendship I'd felt had grown into something else. Our friendship had grown into love. "I love Jacob." I said out loud.

It was a complication I couldn't accept. Love was an emotion I had banned myself from feeling. Love only brought pain. And I did love him more than a brother, more than a friend, more than a best friend. Not in the way I loved Edward. It was different and but it was strong. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough.

I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had. And I knew that if I told him, he would be with me in an instant but I was afraid. I was afraid to give anyone my heart again because one thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet knew it deep in my wounded heart—was how love gave someone the power to break you. But I needed Jacob now, needed he like a drug.

I'd used him as a crutch for too long, and I was in deeper than I'd planned to go with anyone again. Now I couldn't bear for him to be hurt, and I couldn't keep from hurting him, either. He was my best friend. I and I loved him, but I wasn't ready to take a risk like that again. Not until I was completely over Edward. It wouldn't be fair to Jacob and it wouldn't be fair to me. I hadn't realized how long I'd stayed outside but it must not have been as long as I thought.

"You're home already?" Charlie asked in surprise when I came in. He was on the floor, just a foot from the TV. Must be an exciting game. I sat next to him with my fingers started drumming against the couch. "Yeah, I dropped Jacob off at home" I said. I spent the rest of the night watching the game with Charlie trying to pretend that my whole world hadn't just been shaken. I stayed up until Charlie turned in for the night. After that I went up to my room. I closed the door softly behind me, sliding down to the ground and wrapped my arms around my knees, pressing my cheek into the hollow between my legs. Everything was, quiet except for my ragged breathing.

_"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."_

I wrapped my arms around myself trying to literally hold myself together and block out the memories.

_"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

My vision blurred and my eyes as began to burn with the salty, hot tears that seared my eyes as I tried to blink them away before running down my face.

_"I'm no good for you, Bella."_

Why, why, why, why, **_why_**?

_"My world is not for you,"_

Those words burnt holes in my soul. I knew from the very beginning, from the first time I laid my human eyes on him and his bronze tousled hair, his amber eyes and his pale perfect skin that we would never fit together, we were unbearably different.

_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

I was merely a human girl, plain, painfully weak, with no special skills or qualities that stood out.

_"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."_

I shook my head angrily. **_Why was this happening? I shouldn't be reliving the past._**

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

The truth of that statement hurt more than the actual words

_"Do you understand what I'm saying?"_

Edward's departure speech echoed through my mind, the words different from the order he had said them, his voice so heartbreakingly perfect. I hated him! Why could I not forget those harsh words? Why after everything that has happened, did I still end up at the same breaking point? Tonight my time with Jacob was so amazing that I thought for sure I was finally going to leave all of this pain behind. Obviously, I was wrong. As soon as I dropped Jacob off at home and drove down my driveway, my happiness faded.

Tears filled my eyes as I burrowed my head into the crook of her elbow I might have been crying had I not already completely drained myself of all possible tears over the past couple of months. I got up and flopped down onto my bed. I threw my hand over my eyes and sighed. Why even after all this was I still in love with Edward? I wanted to hit something-hard. I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted to call him up and ask him why. Why he would ever do this to me? Why did he keep attacking my thoughts so I couldn't move on? I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel a fraction of the agonizing pain that he had caused me. I was furious and I was bitter. I didn't sleep that night.

**Author's note: Sorry it took me so long to update. I just really wanted this chapter to be perfect. So Bella's finally admitted that she loves Jacob but isn't going to act on it out of fear. What do you think about how the Bella/Leah interaction. I revealed a bit of Bella's past because I think in order for Bella to truly heal she needs to find out how she became the way she is now. I don't own Bella's background story. I read it somewhere and thought that it sounded just like Bella. Let me know what you think. I need more song ideas for Bella's Cd. Please review or Pm your thoughts. Constructive criticism is welcome flames are not. **


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